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Zombies refusing to eat the brains of anyone without proof of a negative lateral flow test


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Walking dead old grey matter gnawers have insisted that there will be implications for anyone who does not have a negative lateral flow test certificate.


'Ideally, victims should be in possession of official documentation clearly stating that they have had a negative PCR test within the last 48 hours,' wailed Terry, a senior member of the mind muncher community. 'But times have been tough for everyone, and most zombies I've moaned at have suggested that they would be willing to accept lateral flow test results up to 72 hours prior to the time of attack.'


'Look, we're all a bit twitchy about this new variant, and until we know more, we're not taking any chances. A mate of mine in the vampire community has said that they will not bite the necks of anyone who isn't wearing an FP2 approved face covering. If you ask me, that's going too far, but at least it shows a bit of consideration. Better than those sodding werewolves, anyway. They'll rip anyone to pieces without a second thought. But, then again, they lick their own genitals, so what do you expect?'







Schools get opportunity to help with new covid variants

Updated: Feb 10, 2022


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In a surprise move announced this evening by the Education Secretary, next year's GCSE Graphics Design exam will be asking students to design new graphics to represent either the upsilon or phi covid variants, as it's anticipated that by the time they arrive in the UK, there will be a ban on giving the job to Tory doners for a million quid a pic; and in any case, those in the know think kids could do a better job anyway.


Coursework will need to be accompanied by a signed document conferring all copyright of the graphic to the state, or the coursework will deemed ineligible for submission as exam material.


A spokesbeing for the Dept of Education said “This move surprised as too, as we're not used to planning for the future. We're still trying to get round to reading the personally-signed copy of the King James Bible that Michael Gove was kind enough to donate to schools, but every time we see his signature, we swoon and become so transfixed on it, we forget to turn the page.”


Eddie Downwivdakidz, a graphics teacher from Wakefield said “It's a brilliant idea. I've been doodling stuff like this all the time we were in lockdown, while the IT dept were trying to get kids connected to the network, so by the time senior managers come round shitting themselves over our ability to keep up in the league tables, I'll just show them my doodles and wait for them to have me on News at Ten, saying levelling up isn't as difficult as they make out. We've got graphitti in our bogs that can match anything the BBC graphic designers can knock out.”







Government announces December 9th as "Panic Day"


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In an effort to clarify the UK's response to the Omicron variation of Covid, December 9th has been named as Panic Day.


"Now is not the time to panic", explained a government minister over a Zoom session from the new cabinet office in the Carribbean, "but quite soon would seem appropriate."


"We've made it clear for some time, that calm, sensible following of scientific advise is something we like to espouse. But now I'm safely on the other side of the world, it feels that a new deadly strain, a clueless government and an idiot as prime-minister has raised a desire for panic that should be met and on December 9th, people are free to run into the streets screaming, dance like lunatics and play kiss chase. Weather permitting, obviously."







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