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Post-Brexit Britain best place to live by a country mile says new survey

Updated: Nov 29, 2021


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Bigots, xenophobes, racists and jingoistic fools across the country are celebrating today following the results of a new survey which says post-Brexit Britain is the best country in the world to live in.


'I knew it.' said one moron from Billericay. 'Britain’s the best country and always has been, simple as. It's no mistake that we're called Great Britain. The name's on the tin, and boy are we now living up to that again.'


Eighty-five year-old former magistrate and staunch Conservative, Dorothy Mallet agrees. 'This is the best country in the world, no doubt about it. I knew Brexit was going to be great once we became disentangled from those foreigners. We've got our sovereignty back and we've regained control now. It's great to have the Queen back, I missed her being in charge.


'Everything's running like a well-oiled machine. We've never had it so good. That three-hundred and fifty million a week has really got the NHS back on its feet, too. It's all thanks to Boris Johnson and his wonderful cabinet of many talents.'


The survey, carried out by GB News, is being claimed by the broadcaster as being the most extensive of its kind since Brexit. When asked, a channel spokesman said: 'Oh yes, very extensive indeed. We canvassed our entire audience during Dan Wooton's show and got an amazing 100% participation. Actually, three responses were registered and it was a unanimous win for Britain being best. However, full disclosure here, in the interests of accuracy and fairness we had to discount one vote as the couple's poodle wasn't eligible.'






EU Apple device users outraged at plans to give same charger as everyone else

Apple users in the EU were today outraged by plans to force them to use the same USB-C charging cables as the ordinary Windows or Android user. "We are used to a cooler, more ergonomic, slicker form of electricity" said Ambroos, 26, from Amsterdam. "And what if Android users want to borrow my charger? What can I say?" She asked.


Apple are said to be developing designs to comply with the regulations, but the Apple chargers and sockets will be retained in new models alongside the new ones. A spokesman said: "There will be a USB-C port in the centre of the back of the case, covered by a flap. The flap will open only when you push a button on an app which will be free to download to a linked Apple phone. This action will also purchase for you a new Apple charger, unless you disable this feature in settings."


Imports of red tape cut by increased border bureaucracy

  • Sep 17, 2021

Finally fulfilling a promise made during Brexit and subsequent election campaigns, the amount of red tape in the UK has fallen by over 90% following delays to red tape imports caused by increased bureaucracy at the border. Stationery and art stores around the country have warned that a winter shortage in supplies will have a catastrophic affect on the number of bows around Christmas presents this year.


Although the fishing industry is on its knees, the promised £350 million a week cheque for the NHS is still in the post and the oven-ready deal is no more than an empty pack of unpicked frozen peas, the government have been celebrating the cut in red tape as “promises made, promises kept despite our best efforts to screw it all up”.


Nadine Dorries - newly appointed Minster for Flags, Farage and Gareth Southgate – indicated that the massive increase in paperwork, time and checks at the border were a small price to pay for the promised cut in red tape.


“We said from the very beginning that we got all of our red tape from the EU, and surprisingly we weren't lying” a spokesperson for Dorries added. “Apparently 200 tonnes a year. Now we have more forms to fill in than the PM's annual child maintenance assessment, most of it is stuck in Calais along with other unimportant things like food, medicine and a family of four who have been waiting in an immigration queue since February”.


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