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"Shambling incompetence is the new normal" announces Downing Street

Updated: Dec 19, 2021


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A Government spokesman has reiterated that Boris Johnson is well and working normally and the public had better "get used to car impressions, Peppa Pig stories and long periods of near silence with muttered swearing."


With a wistful mood, the spokesman continued; "I can remember going into country pubs in the 1970s and there was often a semi-coherent bleary-eyed bloke sitting in the corner talking about French seagulls or something, so it's quite nostalgic for someone like that to be prime-minister."


"I know it would be more reassuring if the Prime Minister was bravely battling a bad cold to give a speech, but he's actually fine and this is what he does now."






Johnson announces Garden Bridge to cross rift with EU


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The Prime Minister has resurrected plans for a Garden Bridge.


Mr Johnson explained the plan; "Not building the bridge in London has cost the tax payer £43M, I think we can do better than that. Did you know you could walk from the UK to the EU in Ireland? I didn't. But we can take advantage of that by moving the bridge to connect to the EU because there's simply a line in the road in Northern Ireland that the bridge has to cross."




NASA can see Brexit f$ckup from space

Updated: Nov 23, 2021



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So large is the mess that Boris Johnson has caused, that astronauts claims that it can be seen from space – alongside Kim Kardashian’s butt and James Corden’s ego. The pile of errors dwarfs the Great Wall of China and is being likened to a bigger disaster than Donald Trump’s marriage vows.


NASA confirmed that the size of the cockup was still growing: ‘It’s almost as if someone was feeding it – like a Gremlin after midnight. One second, it’s a cute Mogwai and the next its Liz Truss on steroids’,


A government spokesperson was at pains to point out that there was nothing to see, other than oceans of raw sewage and no food: ‘For those that say the nation is on fire, I say, that seems unlikely given that there’s no fuel’.





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