Johnson & Hancock awarded Nobel prize for work on ‘not following the science'

The thorny question of whether or not the UK government was really following the science has been solved by this year’s Nobel Laureates.

Johnson and Hancock's valuable research over the last 18 months hypothesised what would happen if senior members of a government told everyone they were following the science but, in fact, were ‘not following the science at all.’

A spokesperson for the Nobel medicine Committee said the UK team’s 'doing the exact opposite' research project allowed us to make sense for the first time the government thinking behind such policies as:

- The 'delay in taking any action whatsoever' strategy

- The 'not stopping flights coming to the UK from Wuhan until the day before the Chinese locked down the city; strategy - The 'Boris Johnson still shaking hands despite warnings from the Spi-behavioural group' strategy - The 'let's go for herd immunity' strategy - The 'don’t bother with facemasks' strategy - The 'we’re not listening to the WHO' strategy - The ;send PPE to China even though we might need it' strategy - The 'abandoning the idea of a circuit-break lockdown' strategy - The 'let massive sporting events with massive crowds go ahead' strategy

The spokesperson also praised the Johnson & Hancock team for investigating what caused some cabinet ministers such as Rishi Sunak to go completely rogue, although they didn't have time to come to any firm conclusions. He set up his EAT OUT TO HELP OUT strategy without asking any scientists or any advice whatsoever.

‘This is understandable as it would have detracted from the already excellent hypothesis that the team had on their main subject', said the spokseperson. 'However, they’ve not ruled out further explorations into the ‘I’m a minister, I’ll do what I f*cking well want if it means getting the cash tills of business ringing,’ strategy.’

Image: Pixabay/Florian Pircher

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‘Hancock genius' remark signals Rees-Mogg's return to frontline politics

Jacob Rees-Mogg’s assessment of how Matt Hancock handled the pandemic, has reportedly convinced Boris Johnson to encourage the leader of the house to play a bigger part in frontline politics once more. Despite Mr Hancock’s spectacular fall from grace since.

The part-time Gussie Fink-Nottle impersonator, once an almost daily source of comedy entertainment on our screens, disappeared from public life quite some time ago giving considerable cause for concern to absolutely no one at all.

On hearing the news, Billericay whelk stall holder, Barry Shite said: ‘If this is true then I’m well made-up, cos Jacob’s my guy. Look mate, just like him, I never had fack all until I pulled myself up by my bootstraps.’

‘See, we’re cut from the same cloff, innit? And now he’s back on the scene, the man in the street’s gonna get a fair crack of the whip. It ain’t no sin to be borassic, and Jacob, more than most, knows that only too well.’

Matt Hancock leaves to standing ovation from grateful nation for job well done

Universally popular man of the people, Health Secretary Matt Hancock, has walked tall and proud through streets lined with millions of grateful Brits all cheering wildly for his outstanding contribution and service to this world-beating country.

Sorry about that, I thought this was for my other job of spouting false bilge for a tabloid rag of filth.

Actually, what has happened is that the death ghost Hat Mancock has skulked away from the scene of his genocidal disgrace.

There's not much more to say about him that his appointer and boss hasn't already. Who then left him in position for over a year to really shag things up good and proper.

His greatest role model in Downing Street, Dominic Bollockhead Cummings, could only speak without hesitation, deviation or repetition on the subject of 'why Hancock is a palm penis' for just the seven hours.

Half a million nurses, though, what do they think?

Collectively and in unison they all indicated their admiration and respect with the well-chosen, thoughtful and heartfelt words, "Fuck off, Hancock."

But is there anyone left who actually does still feel positively towards the former Health Secretary, even in some small way? His oldest, closest and longest-standing friend offered these warm words:

"Matt has the look and persona of a shadowy coward who if you were to offer him a little piece of cheese, would snatch it from you, scurry away into a corner, and frantically gnaw at it from his his little clutchy claws while furtively glancing from side to side as if to say, 'No, my cheese.'