Africa disguises itself as South America, to avoid Matt Hancock

The world's second-largest and second-most populous continent, has decided it is easier to adopt a fake Mexican accent and poncho covering 30 million km², rather than take advice from Matt Hancock. The prospect of having the shamed former minister as an UN envoy, has caused a continental drift of 8000 miles and has left a rather large gap below Spain.

Speaking from an undisclosed location, somewhere in the vicinity of coffee beans, Africa said: ‘Initially we thought we could just hide behind the curtains when he came knocking but a lot of women expressed alarm. After all we’ve got 1.3 billion people, so there is a very real risk that one lady might find him attractive. Law of big numbers says someone has self-esteem that low’.

Having changed postal address and worn a large fake moustache, Africa explained: ‘Ethiopia particularly has seen a lot of alarming pictures of death and disease over the years – and that’s just Matt Hancock’s time as Health Secretary’

image pixabay/mohamed_hassan

Something Similar	Order now in time for Christmas	Something Different
Suspicious package at Manchester Airport was not Matt Hancock in Speedos	Only from Amazon	Criticality of Daily Mails unleashes inferno of intolerance

Johnson & Hancock awarded Nobel prize for work on ‘not following the science'

The thorny question of whether or not the UK government was really following the science has been solved by this year’s Nobel Laureates.

Johnson and Hancock's valuable research over the last 18 months hypothesised what would happen if senior members of a government told everyone they were following the science but, in fact, were ‘not following the science at all.’

A spokesperson for the Nobel medicine Committee said the UK team’s 'doing the exact opposite' research project allowed us to make sense for the first time the government thinking behind such policies as:

- The 'delay in taking any action whatsoever' strategy

- The 'not stopping flights coming to the UK from Wuhan until the day before the Chinese locked down the city; strategy - The 'Boris Johnson still shaking hands despite warnings from the Spi-behavioural group' strategy - The 'let's go for herd immunity' strategy - The 'don’t bother with facemasks' strategy - The 'we’re not listening to the WHO' strategy - The ;send PPE to China even though we might need it' strategy - The 'abandoning the idea of a circuit-break lockdown' strategy - The 'let massive sporting events with massive crowds go ahead' strategy

The spokesperson also praised the Johnson & Hancock team for investigating what caused some cabinet ministers such as Rishi Sunak to go completely rogue, although they didn't have time to come to any firm conclusions. He set up his EAT OUT TO HELP OUT strategy without asking any scientists or any advice whatsoever.

‘This is understandable as it would have detracted from the already excellent hypothesis that the team had on their main subject', said the spokseperson. 'However, they’ve not ruled out further explorations into the ‘I’m a minister, I’ll do what I f*cking well want if it means getting the cash tills of business ringing,’ strategy.’

Image: Pixabay/Florian Pircher

Something Similar	500+ pages, 800+ stories hundreds of one line gags	Something Differnt
Hancock falls foul of UN's new "no bellends" rule	For the price of a coffee	How to tell if dozens of people are having a party in your house

‘Hancock genius' remark signals Rees-Mogg's return to frontline politics

Jacob Rees-Mogg’s assessment of how Matt Hancock handled the pandemic, has reportedly convinced Boris Johnson to encourage the leader of the house to play a bigger part in frontline politics once more. Despite Mr Hancock’s spectacular fall from grace since.

The part-time Gussie Fink-Nottle impersonator, once an almost daily source of comedy entertainment on our screens, disappeared from public life quite some time ago giving considerable cause for concern to absolutely no one at all.

On hearing the news, Billericay whelk stall holder, Barry Shite said: ‘If this is true then I’m well made-up, cos Jacob’s my guy. Look mate, just like him, I never had fack all until I pulled myself up by my bootstraps.’

‘See, we’re cut from the same cloff, innit? And now he’s back on the scene, the man in the street’s gonna get a fair crack of the whip. It ain’t no sin to be borassic, and Jacob, more than most, knows that only too well.’