Nation plunged into crisis as tens of ribbons may go uncut

A wealthy old chap who jumped a queue of 6 million commoners awaiting life saving medical attention has been diagnosed as probably having overdone it on the swan.

All people qualified in medicine have immediately dashed to his attention, because everything he does is so crucially important. 'Imagine the chaos without a rich old gent pointing at things and mumbling vaguely positive appreciation,' screamed a panicking patriot.

When told who might have to take over duties, the patriot removed their own head and placed it on a spike.

Daily Express shares rose 5,000% on the back of a guaranteed 15 news cycles of wall-to-wall panic-inducing speculation, and all crockery production machinery has been instantly retooled to cover emergency production of inflamed prostate mugs.

A US commentator allayed State-side fears by pointing out, 'Americans aren't so dumb as to have an old white man as their leader.'

Image: Wix

Government blames Royal Family for election pledge failures

A spokesman for the government has claimed the Royal Family, specifically King Charles and the Princess of Wales, are stopping them from completing their 2019 election pledges.  'There's forty hospitals waiting to be opened,' said the spokesman, 'but with the King's prostate and the Princess supine we can't find enough Royals available to cut the bloody ribbons,' he ranted.  'They offered Prince Andrew, but the Prime Minister's ratings are already at an all-time low, there's no way we can risk that,' he added.

As well as the hospitals, which will sit empty until a suitable date for ribbon cutting can be arranged, there are multiple other improvements that are waiting for the Royal Family to catch up.  'There's twenty thousand potholes in Blackburn Lancashire alone that need filling and resurfacing - no point mixing the tarmac until we know somebody with blue blood can declare the roads drivable again,' he said, 'plus all those new prisons, community centres, libraries we've been saving for election year, all scuppered thanks to the bloody Royals.  

'I suppose the ribbon cutting for the first Rwanda flight will have to wait as well,' he sighed.

Image: Pixabay/ichigo121212

Man almost cares about Royals' surgery

A middle aged man had to check himself yesterday, when he found he almost gave a crap about the royal family.

Dave Garside, 52, of Selby was driving home last night when he heard on the radio news that, yet another royal, has been under the knife.

Dave told our reporter, "It just came on the radio that the Duchess of York, had been in hospital. I started welling up. I thought she might be one of the Big Five, you know like Kate, or Melons Windsor or the other one, you know, Koo Stark."

He continued, "You know, you wait around for a Royal operation and then three come along all at once. I felt for them. A tear came to my eye. Then it runs out it wasn't an important one, but that toe sucking one from back in the day. I'm bitterly disappointed."

A spokesman for Buckingham Palace assured us that all three royals were in good spirits and recovering well. 

Melons Windsor was unavailable for comment and believed to be staying with friends.

Image: Pixabay/ichigo121212