Dog owner bound over after training pet to bite Daily Mail readers on arse

Magistrates in Hounslow have fined a man one hundred pounds and bound him over to keep the peace, after he was convicted of having trained his dog, a two-year-old German Shepherd called Rex, to "lurk nearby the newspaper display in Tesco and bite anyone on the arse who picked up a copy of the Daily Mail".

Simon Rothery a sous chef told reporters: 'I had had just about enough of watching a succession of smug blue-rinse old bats and Captain Mainwaring total fuckwits walking into the shop, reading the Mail's front page, turning puce, tutting loudly then picking up and buying it without even the slightest hint of embarrassment or shame. Not even one of them asked to have it hidden inside a brown paper bag.'

'What's more I have no intention whatsoever of complying with my sentence. Rex will continue to bite these reactionary bigots with impunity as far as I am concerned. They and their ilk are the reason the Brexit vote won in the EU referendum. I just don't know why they can't take a proper balanced paper like The Express or Sun.'

Photo by Anna Dudkova on Unsplash

Tom Hartley to be fast-tracked to cricketing failure

The England Cricket Board is thrilled with their win against India and about the brilliant performance of bowler Tom Hartley.

Work is now in hand to fast-track his career. As demonstrated by many before him, the usual trajectory is unexpected success, wild expectation, setbacks, teeth gnashing, mentoring, tabloid expose, time off, wild speculation, cautious return, limited success, family issues, mental health issues, inappropriate banter, tabloid fury, IPL contract, fantastic performances in India, dismal performances for England, disappointment, regret, grief, embarrassment, resignation.

English Cricket says that the process towards inevitable downfall is currently taking far too long and ties up too many resources. They feel it will be in everyone’s interests to speed up the whole process, and are working on a plan to do this.

A spokesman said, ‘England supporters prefer to have low expectations of the team, and to expect defeat. They find it unbearable if the team have a passably good player and there is even a small chance that the team will win, because the inevitable defeat will only hit them harder.’

Tom Hartley was unavailable for comment, but is believed to be in discussions with a team in the IPL.

Photo by michael weir on Unsplash

EXPOSED: Tabloids' ARBITRARY use of CAPITAL letters SCANDAL

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