'Wiping my bum with The Daily Mail has turned me into a ranting xenophobe' claims Warwick man

A man who wiped his backside using squares cut from the Daily Mail claims he's become a ranting xenophobe as a result.

Dave Phelps from Warwick said it started when a well-intentioned dinner party joke backfired next morning after he wiped his arse with the newspaper, having forgotten to switch it back to his Waitrose triple-ply super soft.

'But by then it was too late. I’d gone and wiped me bum with the Mail and within minutes I was slagging off my longtime best friend and next door neighbour, Ahmed. I told my missus he came in illegally on one of them rubber boats, despite him having been my golf buddy for almost ten years.'

Toxicologist, Professor Craig Lennox commented. ‘I understand the squares were particularly toxic. Packed as they were with totally unfounded lies, racial slurs and unbridled hatred. I’m no expert in this particular area but perhaps as his wife, Moira, suggests, if mister Phelps begins wiping his behind with The Express it may start to reverse the condition.’

Photo by Photo Boards on Unsplash

Sunday Times seeks new “bloke down the pub” columnist

Following the death of Rod Liddle the Sunday Times is seeking to hire a new “bloke down the pub” or “golf club bore” type to write a column every week.

Inviting candidates to submit a sample article, the ad suggests people think of 1,000 words that might comfortably sit between “I was talking to this bloke down the pub, and he reckons” and “Spose you can’t say that any more”. Points will be deducted for citing any evidence beyond your gut feeling on the issue, attacking anyone with the power to fight back, referring to Muslims as anything other than “Muslamics”, or saying “I’m not racist/sexist” without instantly proving that you are.

Reports suggest the job was initially offered to comedian Al Murray, who patiently explained “No, the pub landlord’s a character, I’m actually very intelligent.”

Liddle’s family have declined to talk about his death, though one insider has suggested he was so ecstatic over the news a black Cambridge professor turned out to be a fraud that he didn’t even make it to his word processor before expiring with a look of serene happiness on his face.

However, the paper said that the official verdict that Liddle died of Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder should in no way discourage candidates from writing that the smoking ban in pubs is “a gross infringement of a free-born Englishman’s civil liberties”, people who are against smoking are just “puritans and killjoys” and that you might get hit by a bus tomorrow anyway. 

“It’s what he would have wanted.”

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Get ready for the Mandelson Marathon

It's one of the greatest tests of endurance known to humankind and will leave even the keenest followers of the news wondering why the hell they bother.

Yes! It's the Mandelson Marathon - a low-voltage scandal involving some dusty old political has-been from the Blair years and a handful of crashingly dull senior civil servants which is, unfortunately, set to run and run around the Westminster village.

'After a week of hearing Starmer making hours-long statements about who said what at precisely what time in the afternoon, and talking about the fine print of security vetting rules, you will all be finding life achingly dull," said one Fleet Street newspaper editor who is organising the event.

'After a month, you will be screaming for a rest, as in: 'For pity's sake, just give it a rest!

"The winner of the Mandelson Marathon will be the one newspaper reader in Britain who is still remotely interested in any of this by the time the story finally collapses of exhaustion... in about three year's time.

"Good luck, everyone!'