Phew, what a scorcher! The lazy tabloid journalist's guide to writing about heatwaves

With temperatures set to reach 30 degrees tomorrow, lazy journalists everywhere are dusting off their trusty sun/drought/unusually hot weather stories from the back of their filing cabinets. Here’s a quick guide to writing your own 2 page feature:

1. Start with a great headline - something from a song, a funny cultural reference, or a winning pun, like ‘Scorchio’, ‘Hot in the city’ or ‘Heat Surrender’. This will show your readers that they can expect to be informed but also entertained

2. Compare temperatures in London/Margate/Blackpool favourably to places that your average reader will be mildly surprised to find are not as hot today as here. The Sahara desert is good. Egypt or Doha - even better. They're hot places aren't they? But, look, ah, they’re not as hot as Cromer is at this specific time on Friday. Fooled you.

3. Include pictures of some attractive women in bikinis enjoying an ice cream on Brighton beach. Airbrush out any pasty men with their tops off, scratching their bollocks in sweaty swimming trunks in the heat, that doesn’t sell papers.

4. Include a graphic with a thermometer on it - make sure the mercury is coloured bright red and preferably provide a fahrenheit conversion for the older reader of just how hot it will be. 104 in the shade. That’s almost as hot as the drought of 1976, isn't it?

5. Definitely mention the drought of 1976. Highlight how there were standpipes on every street corner. Use this to start a reminiscing piece about white dog shit, rola cola, Huckleberry Finn being on telly in the summer holidays, and how everyone mucked in and got on with it didn't they? Oh, that was hot then, though, wasn't it, even hotter than today.

6. Provide a rudimentary public information service by telling people only 2 things: First, drink lots of water. And secondly, don’t leave dogs alone in cars in the heat as they might die. These are the only 2 things that matter in a UK heatwave.

7. Have a side bar in which a hapless reporter conducts an egg frying experiment on a local road or the bonnet of a car. Provide some scientific explanation as to why it doesn’t work and don’t forget to put in your expense claim for the damage to the paintwork on your Ford mondeo.

8. Ask a serious question about whether this is global warming and be sure to include a picture of a dried up riverbank, before moving on to make a gratuitous reference back to the lovely ladies enjoying an ice cream on Brighton beach.

9. Bring everyone crashing down to earth by reminding them that it will piss it down from Sunday,

Image: Pixabay/josealbafotos

Rebekah Vardy lands job producing tabloid epigrams

Rebekah Vardy has secured a lucrative job as a social commentator, as a result of her ongoing court case with Colleen Rooney, it has emerged.

Vardy will be employed by the tabloid press to provide her own tweet-length summaries of major news items, with a stipulation of at least one level 2 obscenity in each message, a source revealed.

‘She’s a natural’, said Mike McBride, Professor of Lexicology at the University of Lunn. ‘Her tweets and messages have a Shakespearean rhythm to them, combining the wit of Mark Twain with the sense of pathos of Moliere’.

‘That c**t needs to get over him/herself’ has that universality, invoking feelings of anger along with a sense of that underlying truth that we are all searching for’, continued McBride. ‘It can be applied to Boris Johnson, Vladimir Putin or Simon Cowell in equal measure. A kind of Everyman epigram for our age.’

Producing her first copy today, Vardy responded to the news that the UK economy had contracted by 0.1% last month: ‘UK plc growth rate is like a miniature chipolata. Last time I saw this much shrinkage was when Peter Andre’s Speedos came off after he jumped into a freezing North Sea’.

Random story generator deployed at The Sun

It has long been suspected that articles at tabloid papers have been cobbled together by interns with a drink problem. But the reality is far worse.

Anonymous sources have received a copy of a crib sheet that sub-editors can use to churn out stories on demand by simply highlighting options with a yellow marker pen. You too can become a Sun journalist for a day. Here is the current crib sheet for Tuesdays:

A three bedroom house in [Powys / Nottingham / Middlesborough] could be bought for a little as [£32000 / £33000 / £34000] – but there’s a chilling secret.

Its close proximity to [a rubbish dump / foreign undesirables / outside privy] means [there are more rats than cats / the air is filled with the smell of bad food / the garden is full of shit].

[Stacey Simpson / Keeley Stevens / Olivia Hardwick], 29, condemned prospective purchasers by setting their ambitions too low. The [hairdresser / TikTok influencer / nail bar assistant] from Harpenden managed to pay off her £450,000 mortgage two years ago by working [three jobs / as a Cam Girl / the streets], and has little respect for scroungers who want to slum it at the bottom end of the housing market. Boyfriend and window fitter Darren agrees and says “I’d rather vote Labour than live in a shit-hole like that. These people need to find some [self-respect / old dear to fleece / mastic] and start voting for Boris.”

We asked former editor Kelvin McKenzie to comment on the crib sheet, but he simply referred us to Carol Vorderman who [sent us a smouldering selfie / revealed her plunging cleavage / delights her fans with her amazing youthful figure] and told us to behave and watch out for her every Friday.

Image: Pixabay/stevepb

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