Culture war threatened by game of football, complain Tories

There has been outcry among Conservatives after everyone enjoyed a cracking game of footy instead of getting their knickers in a twist about something completely anodine being "woke".

GB News [sic] pundit and Tory Minister Jock Shockington, complained that an exciting second half where James Maddison scored a 35 yard screamer with seconds to spare in extra time was distracting people from wingeing about the wrong colour Waffen-SS insignia being "PC gone maaaaad".

It's awful to see sport bringing people of all cultures and creeds together instead of providing fertile ground for exploiting patriotism for divisive ends, said Conservative and soon-to-be Reform MP Dean Leerson.

Asked if this was really about football or just a cynical manufactured conflict of ideology, Prime Minister Rishi Sunk said "what's football?".

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Advice from the National Cyber Security Centre may have compromised PM’s passwords

In a blogpost made in 2021, the National Cyber Security Centre advised that three random words can provide the most effective login password to defeat hackers.

Newsbiscuit has learned through leaked documents, that it appears that unaccountably, government ministers were revealing their three-word passwords in the three-word slogans they adorned their lecterns with.

Cyber security experts are likely to be spending the rest of the year trying to establish how many times Rishi Sunak’s STOPTHEBOATS password was breached by Russian and Chinese spies, but think a parody lectern used in Newsbiscuit cartoons with slogans such as STOP THE VOTES may have helped as a distraction and be seen in time as equally valuable as the efforts made in WW2 by the Special Operations Executive (SOE).

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April fooling period extended to November, government confirms

The usual cut off point of midday for any April Fools gags to be actioned has been extended, more than likely to November this year, the government announced this morning.

'We're pleased to announce another six months of ridiculous policy making, comedy leadership and general all-round incompetence', stated chief idiot, Rishi Sunak, outside Number 10 Downing Street, wearing a pair of oversized clown shoes in place of his usual brown brogues.

'We may end the period of tomfoolery a bit earlier, depending on what the polls look like and whether we actuallly have any sitting MPs left by that point', continued the PM, as he stepped into a miniature clown car and gave a little comedy parp of its horn.

'Expect plenty of gags from us' said Sunak, preparing a massive custard pie with the Tory logo on the front. 'Shafting the economy, taking donations from racists, creating a hostile environment for migrants, that sort of thing. Top japes'.

Alongside the policy, Sunak announced that Jacob Rees-Mogg was to be Minister of Jokes with a loose remit to be a total bellend.

'To be honest, anyone currently in a Cabinet position could have stepped up the plate on this one' admitted Sunak. 'But Jacob is the fools' fool, and I'm sure will do a great job'.

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