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Parents slacking on 'don't sit so close to the TV' advice



The latest made up UK government figures to distract from the absolute carnage they are causing, demonstrate beyond doubt that parents are to blame for everything.


A crucially important announcement from Downing Street stated, 'All children, and grandparents who are not themselves parents should immediately forget everything Rishi Sunak, Liz Truss and Boris Johnson screwed up, and point the finger at mothers and fathers for the state of the nation.


'Since the 1970s and 80s, parents have not admonished their children for sitting so close to the telly. The words "you'll get radiation and go blind" should be heard by every child at least three times a day, even if there is no television in the household.


'This has led to the entire nation now sitting so close to laptop, tablet and mobile phone screens that they can actually tell what is going on. And we simply can't allow that happen.


'We are not a nanny state, but parents should take a serious look at themselves and go straight to bed without a wagon wheel and a glass of milk.'




Culture war threatened by game of football, complain Tories



There has been outcry among Conservatives after everyone enjoyed a cracking game of footy instead of getting their knickers in a twist about something completely anodine being "woke".


GB News [sic] pundit and Tory Minister Jock Shockington, complained that an exciting second half where James Maddison scored a 35 yard screamer with seconds to spare in extra time was distracting people from wingeing about the wrong colour Waffen-SS insignia being "PC gone maaaaad".

It's awful to see sport bringing people of all cultures and creeds together instead of providing fertile ground for exploiting patriotism for divisive ends, said Conservative and soon-to-be Reform MP Dean Leerson.


Asked if this was really about football or just a cynical manufactured conflict of ideology, Prime Minister Rishi Sunk said "what's football?".



Advice from the National Cyber Security Centre may have compromised PM’s passwords



In a blogpost made in 2021, the National Cyber Security Centre advised that three random words can provide the most effective login password to defeat hackers.



Newsbiscuit has learned through leaked documents, that it appears that unaccountably, government ministers were revealing their three-word passwords in the three-word slogans they adorned their lecterns with.



Cyber security experts are likely to be spending the rest of the year trying to establish how many times Rishi Sunak’s STOPTHEBOATS password was breached by Russian and Chinese spies, but think a parody lectern used in Newsbiscuit cartoons with slogans such as STOP THE VOTES may have helped as a distraction and be seen in time as equally valuable as the efforts made in WW2 by the Special Operations Executive (SOE).


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