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Anti-Growth Coalition shot Kennedy

Updated: Oct 7, 2022


New findings suggest that the shadowy ‘anti-growth coalition’ was behind the Kennedy assassination in 1963.


I definitely saw a coalition on the grassy knoll,” said an eyewitness. 'They were saying something about holding Britain back with high taxes, then a gunshot rang out.'


This isn’t the first time the evil coalition has been accused of doing naughty things. Global warming, high prices, declining standards in Strictly Come Dancing, Peppa Pig’s abortion, Michael Fabricant’s hair and the Bermuda Triangle are all believed to be the fault of this evil cabal.


Economists are in broad agreement that the dastardly policies of the AGC led to the failure of Kwasi Kwarteng’s otherwise brilliant Special Budgetary Operation, and unfortunately led to large numbers of hedge fund managers making millions of pounds, an outcome which Mr Kwarteng definitely didn’t want to happen.


Government palaeontologists have also said that it was the AGC, rather than a big comet, which wiped out the dinosaurs. We can but hope.




Downing Street tells Ministers to use 'Baldrick Defence' in new media guidelines




It's understood government ministers have been given new guidelines for facing the media when the going gets tough.


A Whitehall insider told press: 'It's being called the Baldrick Defence, or Deny Everything, and is quite simple really. Should ministers, or in the unlikely event the PM himself, actually find themselves in a tight spot because of the clear weight of the facts facing them, they pretend to listen attentively, look straight down the camera lens and deny everything.


'The average voter is now so thick, or misled by the endless campaign of Tory misinformation, they'll simply suck it up, leaving us to get on with making a total shambles of running the country, with I might add, absolutely no consequences whatsoever.'


When Downing Street was approached no one was available to comment, however a two-word statement has been issued online which says: Not true.











Newly elected Tory MP 'too busy to attend surgeries' says party chair


A newly elected Tory MP has thanked those who voted for him but says he is unable to visit his constituency, arrange local surgeries or attend the House of Commons because he is too busy dealing with more important issues and a backlog of outside interests.


The MP for Old Hoaxley and Sickup said he would get around to doing something about it one day but for now he was far too busy concentrating on a complex business arrangement he has with an old business chum based in the Cayman Islands and securing another place on the board of an FT listed company.


‘The phone hasn’t stopped ringing since I won the seat’ said the incoming new man ‘it would be great to meet some of the voters who elected me at some point in the future and listen to their moans and groans but at the moment it’s just not convenient.’


Party chair Olivia Cowden said the new MP would prove to be a dedicated and hard working servant for his constituency but at the moment was a bit busy sorting out a few other things.


‘Sickcup….that’s in the south-east of London right’ said the MP ‘just clarifying that before we go any further.’








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