Updated: Sep 25, 2022
Bankers, oil executives, buy-to-let landlords and other heroes of Britain's world-beating economic miracle have welcomed the government's help with their personal finances in the back-of-an-envelope budget announced yesterday.
The Confederation of British Bankers - the C B Bs - said that "with many of our members suffering from rising costs in the private aviation and Vernier chalet valet industries, we welcome the scrapping of the top rate of tax. And any leftover wedge will buy that many more highly rentable hovels in Levellingupland now that stamp duty is cut too."
"The only quibble we have with the Chancellor is why he wasted any time cutting the tax rate for the plebs. Apparently people on the average wage will be £400 better off - I mean what's the point of that? It barely buys you a cocktail at Madame Gigi's Apres-Ski 'Sports' Massage Salon. Better to keep the dosh and use it to fund oil company profits, sorry, tackle the energy crisis."
When our reporter pointed out that, with the loss of the 45% tax rate in the UK, CBB members could be classed as plebs too now, Ms Jones merely lit a £50 note and waved it in his face, saying "I don't f*cking think so."