"The Tories are scum, as Angela loves to scream at the start of every shadow cabinet meeting," said a special adviser apparently overhearing an ashen-faced Sir Keir Starmer. "But I never dreamed they'd fight this dirty." Saying this, he crawled into a corner at Transport House, curled up into the embryonic position and quietly started swearing at God for once again dashing the electoral hopes of the Labour Party.
"Suella was his talisman," murmured the adviser to bemused reporters. "However divided the parliamentary Labour was over Israel and Palestine, or nuclear disarmament, or re-nationalisation, Keir could always draw them together by holding up a picture of Braverman and uniting them in shared hatred of her.
"But with Cruella gone and her replacement seeming to be really quite moderate and likeable, there is now little or nothing to stop Labour from ripping itself apart over every issue under the sun - like it's always done - and making itself totally unelectable again."
Any further words from the special adviser were drowned out by the sound of Starmer hammering his forehead on the concrete floor and reportedly wailing: "Couldn't you have replaced her with a spitting cobra, or a Covid virus? Or Priti Patel. You could at least have brought back Priti. She was horrible."