"She writes about horsey types who don't do much with their lives except commit adultery, so why wouldn't the new queen like her?" said a spokesman for the government's Honours Committee. "Jilly has modelled more or less all her female characters on Camilla and in return, Camilla sees Jilly as her spirit animal," he continued.
"Why should that entitle a smutty hack writer like Cooper to a damehood? I hear you ask.
"It shouldn't. Of course, it shouldn't. But we've been taking the piss for years, here on the Honours Committee.
"You should have guessed that when we made Jacob Rees-Mogg a knight and Michelle Mone a peer. But we don't want to bring the system into total disrepute, so next year we will be raising the bar by making Cynthia Payne the posthumous Archbishop of Canterbury and giving the Order of Merit to Mr Blobby."
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