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King Charles III declares Absolute Monarchy at garden centre opening



In his first outing since the coronation, King Charles has declared that Britain will be returning to an absolute monarchy, following the end of Wimbledon. The announcement came as a surprise to reporters who came to cover the King’s opening of a garden centre, in Didcot, England.


In a rambling speech, Charles cited the divine right of Kings to rule and his plants were the only ones he answered to in life. He also launched a new manifesto, including the dissolution of parliament, the restoration of Shakespearean English as the national language, and the destruction of the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain. In a sign of a more muscular stance overseas, the manifesto committed to restoring the French and Russian monarchy by any means.


In a bizarre turn Charles ended his speech singing the opening lyrics from 'Don’t Stop Me Now' by Queen, ‘This year, I'm gonna have myself a real good time, I feel alive, and the world I'll turn it inside out, yeah, I'm floating around in ecstasy, so, don't stop me now.’


Penelope Orchard, a lifetime royalist who came to see the King said even she was shocked by his speech. ‘At first, I thought maybe it was a prank and that he was doing a video for TikTok, to win over young people.’ Fighting away tears Penelope continued, ‘The King refused to sign a potted Yucca plant I bought, and showed no compassion that I have to work in an office full of Meghan Markle fans.’ Despite the timing of an absolute monarchy launching in the middle of the summer, Penelope stated she was 'committed to doing whatever the King ordered, especially if I could perform a citizen's arrest on Meghan Markle at the Chateau Marmont in Los Angeles.'


Other eyewitnesses reported that the cannabis feature at the garden centre, which had to be destroyed due to lack of planning permission and was burnt whilst the King was speaking, may have contributed to the bizarre speech. A friend of the garden centre said they were distraught that the garden centre would forever be known for this speech, and added branded tea towels of King Charles III made out of hemp were now available.


Snap opinion polls show the measure is popular with the public if it means more national holidays. A spokesperson for the King did not respond to questions as to whether Harry would be brought to trial for criticising the royal family, now that King Charles had absolute power, or if David Beckham would receive a Knighthood.


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