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Next door's cat telling everyone all those sh*ts in their gardens were done by you personally

That sodding cat from next door has been going behind your back and making out to everyone in the street that it was you personally who did all of those defecations. Especially the ones on doorsteps. To make matters even worse, most of your idiot neighbours believe that flippin' feline.

However, Nina Smallcake from number 8, has leapt to your defence, bless her common decency. 'The cat is clearly telling lies. Firstly, it tells lies all of the time. You all know it lied to you about the fish that went missing. And it lied about who got Mrs Furry-Snuggles from number 4 pregnant. Just look at the unmistakable stripes on her kittens.

'Secondly, most of you have seen with your own eyes the cat crapping in your own gardens over the years. You know it has form. Many of you even have recent security camera footage proving it.

'Thirdly, the person this cat is attempting to pin the blame on is a shy human being with an overwhelming inability to go for a poop in the local pub's toilets, never mind someone's front garden in broad daylight. They have their own private, functioning toilet in their own house - obviously the only place they feel vaguely comfortable crimping one off.

'To use an analogy, the cat is behaving like a disgraceful government itself responsible for wrecking the economy, now desperately trying to stick the blame on the Bank of England.'

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