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PM refurbishment: Johnson now accused of 'papering over the cracks' of shite leadership

Boris Johnson looks to be facing further investigations into his refurbishment activities, after evidence revealed a litany of trading standards breaches, and cowboy behaviour by the PM.

A dossier against Johnson includes numerous examples of misleading quotes for refurbishment work, including an unfulfilled promise to build 40 new hospitals, and to return £350 million a week to some customers from a client that he no longer worked with.

'A decade ago he was suspended on a zip wire over the Thames', noted one voter today. 'Now he's using 'build back beaver' soundbites and doing that really annoying elbow-pump thing with his sleeve rolled up and an inane grin on his face all the time. It's hardly a Grand Designs style transformation, is it?'

Experts in the DIY trade have suggested a range of tips and techniques that Johnson should use. 'He needs a basic primer on leadership', said one painter and decorator. 'And please stop using that rag and roll technique on his hair. Its so 1980s Eton.'

'If its a distressed style that he is aiming for, though what most of what he does is certainly distressing', continued the decorator. 'And this insistence on only using Farrow and Ball wallpaper? Well, with his actions through the pandemic he's half way there as that's been a total Balls up.'

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