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Self isolation to be measured in nanoseconds, unless you are Prime Minister

The government has admitted to following the science, if only out of curiosity, and has determined that isolating for extended periods isn't actually that necessary.

Unless you notionally run the country, in which case it's imperative that you self isolate at the first inkling that someone you are remotely related to has tested positive, even if you no longer admit to being their father or seeing them. Apparently the virus can reverse itself up the maintenance BACS payment into your account, through your wallet and into your body, so best be careful.

For everyone else, from Monday the self isolation period will be limited to the time it takes to drive to work, unless you travel by public transport, in which case it will be limited to however long it takes to walk to the bus stop or railway station. 'We can't put a defined time on the isolation,' a government minister said today, 'because you might have a half hour walk to the station, or you might have a bus stop outside your door. Anyhow we've really gone to town with the science now. We've asked them what is the shortest period of measurable time and they tell us it's the nanosecond, so that'll do. Now get back to work you work shy bastards, and don't cough all over me again. No -one is exempt.

'Apart from you Prime Minister, of course,' he added.

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