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Starmer bans Corbyn for 'looking funny'

Having exhausted any legitimate or legal means to expel his predecessor, Sir Keith (sic) has resorted to gut instinct, branding Corbyn as smelly, a bit foreign-looking and ultimately a ‘wrong-un’. Starmer denied he had an authoritarian streak, but he did confirm that all beards were now banned from the Labour Party.

Normally as Director of Public Prosecution, Starmer would have been more used to persecuting an unemployed teenager, but for Corbyn he agreed to make an exception. No stranger to fabricating evidence, Starmer said he was more than happy to lace Jeremy’s jam with cocaine.

If Corbyn wants to stand as an Independent MP, he must wear a bag on his head. Said Starmer’s aide: ‘Jeremy cannot stand as a Labour MP – although to be fair, neither is Keith.’

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