SchoolBiscuit
This year’s end of term disco at Caniston St. Xerxes secondary school will receive substantial funding after the Department for Children, Schools and Families (DCSF) issued a ‘statement of intent’ to grant it academy status. Under the City Academy plan, this end-of-year event will receive £37m in funding to become the Caniston St. Xerxes Academy for Dance and Social Interaction.
A government commissioned report in to ‘the future provision of secondary education in the south west of England’, which was published today, has reached the startling conclusion that, ‘Jonesy is a big fat gayer’. The three-page analysis - conducted by the Cambridge Centre for Education Studies (CCES) and handwritten on a couple of scruffy scraps of A4 - marks the conclusion of a two-year inquiry into possible changes that could be made, to improve the quality of secondary education delivered to pupils in the South West, over the next ten years.
A comprehensive in Reading has today been ordered to admit a local demon possessed child even though the headmaster had complained they could not cater for the specific needs of satanic pupils or get the bed she was tied to through its doors.
The Minister of Education, Ed Balls, has announced today that from September 2009, the teaching of hindsight will become a compulsory addition to the national curriculum at Key Stage 3 and above.
‘Clearly, the benefits of hindsight have long been recognised, but schools have provided little or no formal teaching of the subject to date. It is to remedy this deficit that we are moving straight to an expectation that a minimum of an hour per week’s hindsight will be taught to all children aged 11 plus’ from the beginning of the next academic year.’
Osama Bin Laden has stunned intelligence agencies around the world by revealing that he is to take a sabbatical from terrorism and enrol as a student with the Open University. In his latest video diary for the Al Jazeera Living Channel, the Al Qaeda leader confirms he is to begin a joint honours degree in Early Modernist Art and Radical Feminist Literature in spring 2009.
