NewsBiscuit

IBM Global Services has clinched the lucrative contract to make sure Sebastian Ponsonby always produces the most impressive homework assignment at Richmond Primary School.

The parents of Sebastian Ponsonby say they are equally delighted at clinching the deal with IBM. ‘Whether it’s writing an essay on the Egyptians, or drawing a farmyard animal, it’s imperative that Sebastian always produces the most impressive homework assignment in his class. We are confident that IBM Global Services will keep us ahead of the game,’ said his father, Julian.

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Chemistry standards among student suicide bombers are getting lower and lower, the recruitment manager of Al Qaeda has complained. Speaking after yet another London student failed to set off an incendiary device, the terror group’s human resources supremo, Al Maqtoub, said British university graduates are unable to carry out their duties.

‘Quite frankly, the quality of some of this year’s intake has been appalling,’ he said. ‘We’ve had to retrain some of them in basic tasks, such as shoe detonation and liquid explosives.’

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Terrorist organisations including Al-Qaeda, Shining Path and ETA today joined leading business and education bodies to support the government’s flagship Diploma qualification for 14-19 year olds. The Diploma, which sits alongside existing qualifications such as GCSE’s and A-levels, mix hands-on experience with traditional classroom learning.

Hasan Nasarallah, leader of Hezbollah, says: ‘What we like about the Diploma is the emphasis on core skills like English, Maths and ICT, all of which are crucial at all levels of the organisation, from mastermind to disposable martyr. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve had operations go pear-shaped because someone can’t work out the timing on a detonator or read a SatNav properly.’

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A team representing the University of Life acquitted itself well on its first outing on University Challenge last night. With a line-up comprising Keith MacKillop, a 54-year-old pub bore from Swindon, Penny Plant, a 44-year old basket weaver from the Isle of Skye, Kyle Jessop, a 29-year-old ’self-made’ building contractor from Shropshire and embittered 64-year-old heating engineer Terry Ince from Dublin, the team scored a respectable 125 points, narrowly losing out to Magdalen College, Oxford.

‘We didn’t have to go on the show,’ Ince insisted, ‘but we had a bit of a point to prove, didn’t we? Spoilt kids doing useless courses on pointless bloody crap…’

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An extensive study by the National Union of Teachers has damned the ailing quality of coursework written by cheating parents. ‘Samples taken from thousands of pieces of fraudulent coursework overwhelmingly indicated that most parents were consistently failing to reach the standard of sham coursework required for GCSE and A-Level,’ said an NUT spokesman, who admitted marking isn’t really that big a deal. ‘It’s a sad reflection on our education system when you find pupils frantically re-writing their parents’ hastily bodged coursework on the day of the deadline. We may as well send them into the exams to write it themselves.’

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