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More grammar schools should lead to more Morlocks, confirms Morgan

Education Secretary Nicky Morgan is to confirm an expansion in selective schooling, in order to finally create a race of ‘troglodyte over-lords’. In a homage to H. G. Wells’ novel, Kent County Council have managed to go back in time to the 1950’s and a curriculum based on eugenics, the Eton wall game and plot of Billy Bunter.

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Playing video games lowers GCSE results, increases fun

The National Children’s Bureau for the Bleeding Obvious has discovered that dicking around on the Xbox rather than doing your homework, might be a barrier to academic greatness. By contrast research initiated by all teenagers, has revealed that all work and no play makes Jack a ‘swot who no one invites to parties’.

These almost contrasting conclusions have split scientists; particularly those who spend all day starring at data on a computer screen in the hope of proving that starring at a computer screen is bad for you.

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Phworr – lots of lovely girls get A levels

Up and down the country, thousands of nubile girls have performed the time-honoured British summer coming-of-age ceremony of smiling sexily for the cameras as they celebrate their A’level results.

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Foreign languages ‘just an elaborate hoax’

'déjà vu' replaced with 'lassez-faire'So-called ‘languages’ are an ancient practical joke, it has been revealed.

‘It all started with the Romans’, said Professor Tim Williams of the University of Central England, itself also an elaborate hoax. ‘They thought it would be funny to speak gibberish to the locals when they first came here. Being an isolated population, the myth took hold better than expected and it’s been maintained ever since.

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Government favours unqualified stab victims

The Department for Education has questioned the profitability of using teachers as student ‘pin cushions’, when Academies and unqualified staff can offer much better value for money. As West Yorkshire experiences its second stabbing incident by a pupil in as many years, Ministers have proposed that staff be replaced with un-unionised piñatas.

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