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SchoolBiscuit

Foreign languages ‘just an elaborate hoax’

'déjà vu' replaced with 'lassez-faire'So-called ‘languages’ are an ancient practical joke, it has been revealed.

‘It all started with the Romans’, said Professor Tim Williams of the University of Central England, itself also an elaborate hoax. ‘They thought it would be funny to speak gibberish to the locals when they first came here. Being an isolated population, the myth took hold better than expected and it’s been maintained ever since.

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Government favours unqualified stab victims

The Department for Education has questioned the profitability of using teachers as student ‘pin cushions’, when Academies and unqualified staff can offer much better value for money. As West Yorkshire experiences its second stabbing incident by a pupil in as many years, Ministers have proposed that staff be replaced with un-unionised piñatas.

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Teachers to talk about their divorces at primary school level

women(men) + home + life = hate + hate + hate + despairChildren as young as five will now be given compulsory lectures on their teachers’ domestic hell as Divorce Education is made compulsory in primary schools. The move comes amid fears children are accessing material such as Don’t Tell the Bride and One Born Every Minute, as well as websites depicting couples in healthy loving relationships, and getting a skewed impression of what marriage is really like.

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Old dogs no longer funded for trick-based education

might as well just curl up and sleep on it in front of the fireThe Department for Business Innovation and Skills (BIS) has decided to cut 24% from the adult education budget to remove a culture of just ‘fetching sticks’ and looking cute.

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Rocketing private school prices spark fears of elitism

best education comes in small packages - usually brown envelopes stuffed with cashA report showing that Private School fees are at an all-time high has triggered fears that the institutions could become ‘elitist’ and ‘against the principle of equality of opportunity’.

New analysis shows that, because of rising demand from Middle Eastern oil barons, Russian political exiles and South American drug lords, school fees have, on average, trebled in the past thirty years; pricing out all but the richest from access to top rated schools.

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