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Lib Dems to eliminate main cause of childhood illiteracy – stupid children

another vote winner!In a bold statement of intent, Liberal Democratic Party leader Nick Clegg has set out his kid-free vision of the future. With a clear manifesto commitment, the Liberal Democrats expect to put an end to small people saying ‘I’m bored’ or ‘It’s not fair’ and monopolising all the jelly. By 2025, the Lib Dems have also promised to eradicate nose-picking in public.

A party spokeswoman explained: ‘We are not going to euthanise the grammatically challenged kiddie-winks as such. That would be cruel and, more to the point, time-consuming. We are just going to reclassify them as ‘stupid very young adults’. As such, they will be legally entitled to vote Liberal Democrat.’

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Half of PE students would shower if we stopped watching them

cleanliness is next to Godliness, with all that that entailsA recent study in the European Journal of Sports Sciences concludes the majority of students do not wash, yet the same students would happily start if the European Journal of Sports Sciences would stop ‘creeping them out’. The same teenagers admit that the main causes of self-consciousness in the shower were body self-image, duelling banjos or someone called Big Gonzo telling you to ‘pick up the soap’.

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Boko Haram criticises ‘excessive’ GCSE coursework

just the first step...Boko Haram, the Islamist movement opposed to Western education, has joined forces with Mumsnet to criticise GCSE coursework requirements. Abubakar Shekau, leader of Boko Haram, took part in an online debate yesterday where he slated Department of Education guidelines and called for a boycott of GCSE coursework in non-core subjects, as well as the establishment of a global caliphate and the wholesale slaughter of infidels.

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Students ‘ecstatic’ to be returning to parents’ homes

and booze is even cheaper than in the union barThe nation’s university students are said to be ‘overjoyed’ to have escaped the oppression and abject tedium of government-funded piss-ups and sexual exploration and returned home to the exciting, argument-free households of their parents for the festive season.

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Private schools must be more patronising to keep tax relief

A*Labour’s education spokesman, Tristram Hunt has announced plans to make private schools’ tax breaks conditional on being a lot more patronising towards state schools.  ‘Some independent schools are already being extremely patronising and we welcome that, but if the sector as a whole is dodging tax to the tune of £165 million a year they must elucidate why they think they’re totally superior in every possible way.’

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