With the cost of policing protests at its test drilling site in Sussex spiralling out of control, energy firm Cuadrilla has decided to try Plan B. Starting next week, it will begin fracking for oil and gas in an equally large and equally immobile site, the Communities and Local Government Secretary Eric Pickles. There are some major logistical challenges to overcome, the firm admitted.
Environment Secretary Owen Paterson has announced a widespread rewriting of all literary works that contain favourable references to badgers in an attempt to persuade the public that badgers should be shot after all.
Cynics scoffed and said that it would go the same way as the ‘War on Terror’ and the ‘War on Drugs’, two more scourges of mankind that were too ubiquitous to fight properly. Yet as of today, when the last remaining honey bee was humanely destroyed in a laboratory in Cambridge, humankind has finally triumphed over one of its most ruthless and cynical adversaries.
Whilst many of today’s trendy youngsters dream of ‘Swimming with dolphins’ in US-style theme parks, the 50+ generation is increasingly remembering youthful days spent in local rivers and canals ‘Swimming with condoms’ and now lament the disappearance of the french letter experience.