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Environment Agency begs athletes to stop coming out

it's all caused a bit of a splashAs further storms are expected to hit the UK, paranoid homophobes of all political persuasions are launching a concerted campaign to stop the ‘flood of sexual liberation’. Aerial footage along the Thames has revealed a ‘rising tide’ of liberalisation in the populace, which has been exacerbated by declarations from Tom Daley, England women’s captain Casey Stoney and the hint that Wayne Rooney has started to pluck his eyebrows.

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Environment Agency launches new ‘Help to Sell’ scheme

dynamic, affordable housing...In the face of mounting public criticism, the government has rushed out a new property initiative to complement the popular ‘Help to Buy’ scheme, with particular emphasis on first-time flood victims.

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False widow spider ‘ate my dog’

choose your pets wisely, and train them in martial artsDog owners are on high alert in Dartmoor after claims by a local farmer that his border collie was eaten by a giant false widow spider.

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Badger admits falsifying ‘killer spider’ story to deflect attention from cull

don't be stupid, it's only a spiderA crafty badger has today admitted to circulating a misleading and factually incorrect story about ‘man-eating death spiders’, in a desperate bid to lead the publics’ attention away from the mass badger cull that shot into action back in August.

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Cuadrilla plans to frack Eric Pickles

workers will only stop for pie breaksWith the cost of policing protests at its test drilling site in Sussex spiralling out of control, energy firm Cuadrilla has decided to try Plan B. Starting next week, it will begin fracking for oil and gas in an equally large and equally immobile site, the Communities and Local Government Secretary Eric Pickles. There are some major logistical challenges to overcome, the firm admitted.

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