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Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month August 2025


ree


Another month and another cmprehensive win by Deskpilot, scoring exactly twice as many points as the nearest challenger (in this case, me!). Wren and Eppy have made great strides as well.


Thanks to everyone contributing and making this site so worthwhile. As usual the links to the FPs. NiBs and Features are below the leaderboard., followed by the cartoon of the month, followed as ever by the full list of headlines.



ree

Front Page, News in Brief and Features


billclay



Chipchase



Deskpilot
















dominic_mcg



eppursimuove








Hokeyloki



ian searle




Filthy Rich





james_doc




jeremynh





Jim Skinz




Joe



Lockjaw




McDabble



Council covers potholes with paintings of tarmac


Midfield Diamond





Modelmaker




Newsbiscuit



scribbles







sdferris5



SteveB



stewartbarclay







Sully







Throngsman
















Titus



Wrenfoe















Headlines


Adrian Bamforth    

     

Conspiracy theory web site ramps up security

MasterChef presenters to be processed on 'one in one out' basis

Palestine unrecognisable


ashbery           

 

Basal cell carcinoma thanks healthcare workers for removing it from Gordon Ramsay


bigbadbob      


BBC to renew Met Office links, Tomasz Schafernacker to get new seaweed

Fruit growers say struggling jam industry should be preserved

Sex pest cricket captain accused of ball tampering

Trump nervous ahead of “tricky” third date with Putin


Deskpilot    

     

Ailing garden centre has deep rooted problems

Ailing sofa maker has deep seated problems

Beachcomber gets shingles

Boomerang maker experiencing diminishing returns

Cash strapped universities forced to consider British students

Egg farmer poached staff from competitor

Farage stops short of promising to run trains on time

Frisbee team accused of throwing a game

Gaza experiencing a Special Nutritional Operation, not a famine, says Netanyahu

Girl scouts' cake wins brownie points

Illegal musicians thought to be working in concert

Inexperienced burrito maker gets a bad wrap

Lame duck flies from Alaska to Washington

Lotus slams on the brakes

Mortgage rate falls from Absurdly High back to Extremely High

Mr Benn dons angel costume

Posh supermarket cafe shrugs off coffee price rise - 'our customers can afford it'

Prosthetic firm to stop sales of arms to Israel

Putin agrees to give surrender a chance. Not his, obviously

Reform calls for caps on school children

Researching your grandkids? Try our 2nd generation software

Trump nominated for Nobel Piss Prize

Trump's ceasefire plan bombs

Trump's favourite movie? Chicken run

Weight loss jabs make fat profits

Worldle to finally recognise Palestine


dominic_mcg 


Bisto denies using stock photos on packaging

Easyjet passengers to pay more for sober, fully-clothed pilots

Harry and Meghan sign new Netflix deal. £6.99 for 12 months

Meghan on who said 'I love you' first, admits it was Uncle Andrew

Putin says Alaska summit 'very useful' as he prepares to invade Alaska


dumbingdown            

 

Trump and Putin meet in Alaska to start a new cold war

Rupert Lowe reports Air France flight to Heathrow as alien invasion


Granger       

      

Zoo with just one dog found to be Shih Tzu


hokeyloki       

  

Students for Forestry degree told to apply through clearing


ian searle      

   

Police to arrest all male TV and Radio presenters from the last 50 years, "Just in case"

Prince Andrew biography a real stomach turner


jim Skinz     

     

Cadbury says plan to shorten popular bar is Flake news


joe        


5/1 on Government increasing gambling tax

Attempted foreign assassin disappointingly white

Have you been mis-sold compensation potential?

Interest continues to rise in Food Banks

Lips locked over loch leak

Strictly line dancing controversy

The best exotic immigrant hotel now streaming


kman3609    

  

Government plan to change 999 to a new 17 digit number, promises to half ambulance waiting times

Heatwave forces restaurant closure, as chef unable to stand the heat

Israel defends deadly strike on children’s Pillow fort.

Scientists find a 5-minute run can extend your life, if you're running from knife wielding robbers

Trump sues Magic Mirror, after it claimed Abraham Lincoln was the best President


mcdabble    

    

All eyes on Trump. Again. He loves that. Nothing will happen. Again

Govt announces competition to create new, inclusive English flag

Labour accuse Reform of not delivering on asylum plans

Putin thanks Trump for another 'creative and entertaining' deadline

Risk of throwing the whole chaotic asylum system into chaos

Starmer to replace all No10 staff with potatoes

Successful meeting in Alaska unlikely if Trump present, says analysts

Thought For The Day lost in The Moral Maze

Trump appoints Dianne Abbott as Commissioner of Bureau of Labor Statistics

US criminals queueing up to join National Guard

US officials accuse Europe of supporting a European country


mick turate     


Organised crime group downgraded to shambolic by Offblag


Modelmaker  


AI headline generators to check spelling on 'Trump's Dumbass Deal for Ukraine'

Politician claims meaning of Egyptian hieroglyphs were never written in stone

Recognition of Palestine state, even less clear than what Brexit meant

Records reveal Dodge City, Kansas was put together by cowboy builders

Relief as violent, anti-asylum nutjobs now appear to be flagging

The Orwell Society sues Reform UK Council over breach of Ministry of Truth copyright

White House orders more chairs to seat growing list of European leaders


MrQ     


Asylum hotel offers penthouse with stunning view of riots

Chalk and Cheese authorities set to hold talks over differences

Getting out of bed strongly linked to having a crap day

Water shortage crisis deepens


ron caweleyoni       

      

Putin invites Zelensky to 1 to 1 meeting in Alaska hotel conference room, on the 8th floor

Supermarkets blame carrot shortage on 70 + year old drivers panic buying!


rowly   


Highway Code states that we should give way to the Right at roundabouts

santosh            

Trump and Putin had productive meeting talking about Taylor Swif


sinnick     

         

Kimi Badenoch suggests migrants should be sent to Danish zoos

Remaining Masterchef episodes to feature just a still photograph of a set of saucepans


SteveB 


Kamala's security detail removed to help protect Trump's security detail from Trump

Retired thief can't take it any more


stewartbarclay    

         

Trump to cut crime in Washington DC by leaving it


sully   

 

Germany feeling ‘much less embarrassed’ about Nazism thanks to America


Throngsman  


Trump to host next season of Deal or No Deal


Titus    


BBC decides to just tell it like it is, and simply re-names its TV series 'NastyChef'


Titus    


Corbyn's new 'Invisible Party' still has fewer members than Reform has MPs

'If protesters try to paint slogans high on walls, steps will be taken'

Starmer leads Europe's Coalition of the Reluctant


tonymc    

          

Badenoch pledges more Oil & Gas, and to call in Nat. Guard

Cooper to order critics of Israel to wear a badge

IDF not an army , IDF not an army , look into my eyes not around the eyes

IDF: we dont target kids ,we just got lucky

Reform and Taliban both reject Human Rights Convention

Reform insists food delivered by illegals tastes different

Tel Aviv confident UK now under Israeli control


will      

 

Farage announces engagement to Zia Yusuf





Newsbiscuit: Best of August 2024

ree

August 2024


The Paris Olympics come to an end. Britain wins 65 medals and comes in third behind the USA and China. More importantly, we are top in Europe, and we get more medals than Australia.


To tarnish Olympic success, the month is marred by summer rioting. This is fuelled by nonsense spread by social media, which is lapped up by the gullible. After warming up (ha!) on winter fuel payments, Keir Starmer continues to play the tough guy. He releases some old lags from prison to make more cells available to lock up the rioters.


UK water companies are fined millions for sewage spills. Again. Does this happen every month? It seems to.


In the entertainment world, police issue an arrest warrant for Katie Price after she fails to attend a bankruptcy hearing. And Harry and Meghan go to Colombia to ‘make the internet safer for children’. And to promote their charity work. And themselves. How could they choose Colombia over the Edinburgh Festival?


In overseas news, Ukraine, Gaza.


In the US, a judge rules that Google have an illegal monopoly over internet searches. Finally, an American news story that isn’t about the US Election.


Here is a selection of the top stories from August 2024. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


Crime and punishment


Politics


Sport and entertainment


Other news


Headlines


GCHQ close to decoding rules for cycling Keirin

'I take my job as an MP seriously,' wins joke of the Fringe

Puppeteer offers to explain string theory

Search for 'Google's illegal online monopoly' yields no results

Top uni accepts students with 25m back stroke certificate

Police tasked with arresting Katie Price have no idea what she looks like

Builder who lost his plans of the stairs told to retrace his steps

Israel and Hamas, in a rare show of unity, agree to continue hostilities

Starmer pledges to transform UK steel industry into no-steel industry

No signs of green shoots on Conservative party stump

‘The UK is too dangerous for me and my family’ says Harry as he lands in Colombia

English tourist resort attracts more visitors with rioting mini breaks



Image credit: Wix

Horoscopes for August by Simon the Scryer

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Aries


You will be the man about town this month, in that you will be paraded through the streets with a noose around your neck, before the inevitable end. They don't take kindly to people messing with the landowner's daughter in these parts. I advise forgoing that journey to foreign parts


Taurus


You will be knighted. Sorry, you will be benighted. That is to say, you won't have a clue about what will be happening to you this month.


Gemini


Don't be fooled by the person looking back at you in John Lewis. It's a novelty mirror and you really don't have a doppelganger, you utter imbecile. If there were two of you, the end of days would have already occurred. But that doesn't happen until next Tuesday.


Cancer


Suggesting a game of rock, paper, scissors to your mugger will not turn out well for you this month


Leo


Good looks, wealth, impeccable taste. You really must stop staring into posh restaurant windows.


Virgo


Unlucky in love ? Persevere, there is someone out there for everyone, but your current 'plucked-chicken-coated-in-cuprinol' look could be making a mockery of this advice.


Libra


You will be working at a review of a public enquiry into an investigation probing the level of scrutiny of a feasibility study into the scope of the processes and procedures of some cobblers or another. Still, looks like you have employment for at least a few months making the sandwiches for the lunchtime recess. Result!


Scorpio


As an intelligent, questioning Scorpio, you've always wondered if ultra processed foods are really that bad for you.  Good news - your curiosity is about to be satisfied.  Always assuming that St. Peter knows what the answer is.


Sagittarius


The first book in a series of children's books will be dedicated to you. Make what you will of the motive behind 'The Stupid Old Fart’.


Capricorn


A man in a grey suit is haunting your dreams. While you contemplate your current life challenges, the man in the grey suit hovers in the background. Sometimes he offers suggestions but these aren't helpful and he often changes his mind anyway. He is interested in your benefits and pension pot and your savings and you are worried that he will take your purse.


Try not to worry about this. Things will be clarified in the Autumn Statement.


Aquarius


A black cat crossing your path will be the harbinger of a minor but painful incident or injury. If you own a black cat, or a number of black cats, this month will be a particularly trying one for you.


Pisces


Your diligent searching finally achieves the desired result this month. A treasure trove of hedge porn is yours for the taking.



Contributions from


StveB: Gemini


Deskpilot: Scorpio, Capricorn


Flasharry: Virgo, Aquarius




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