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Newsbiscuit: Best of July 2024

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July 2024


On the fourth of July 2024 the United Kingdom finally achieved independence from its Tory government. The Labour Party, led by a famous toolmakers' son, won a landslide victory on a campaign about change. Nothing else. Just change. The results were so bad that Reform won four seats. Keir Starmer and Rachel Reeves polished a new double act with a sketch called ‘Tory Black Hole’ that they repeated every day. Their oft-repeated catchphrase was about ‘tough decisions’.


Later in the month, a crack marksman shot a small hole in Donald Trump’s earlobe, giving him more hours of priceless publicity for his Presidential campaign. The assassination attempt proved fatal for Joe Biden, and his campaign was finally ended for him, because he couldn’t remember anything appropriate or useful. Catching Covid was the final straw.


In real news, the England (men’s) football team made it to the final of the Euros. In order to fulfil an important national stereotype, they were contractually obliged to lose, which they obligingly did. Gareth Southgate was widely seen as having done a good job, and obviously, therefore, had to go. In tennis, Wimbledon. In other sport, the Paris Olympics began. The opening ceremony went on for miles, and seemingly for days. The central theme seemed to be about torrential rain. Thames Water weren’t sponsoring the swimming events in the Seine, but they should have been. Anti-sport activists disrupted the French rail service.


There were widespread IT problems when CrowdStrike, the cybersecurity ‘experts’ messed up a software update and caused problems around the world. Switching it off and on again didn’t help.


In entertainment news, the involuntary manslaughter case against Alec Baldwin was dismissed because the prosecution had withheld evidence. And Thames Water’s credit rating was downgraded to junk status – due to ‘insufficient liquidity’. Lol.


Here is a selection of the top stories from July 2024. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


General Election

Sport

US politics

Other big stories


Headlines

CrowdStrike advises GPs to ring at 8am to book an appointment

Man suspected of meat theft faces grilling

Alec Baldwin discharged

Cheshire supergrass enters Widnes protection programme

Fears for COVID after it contracts Joe Biden

Reports of spiking incident at jousting competition

St Swithin predicts no England footie win for the next 40 years

Unkempt incontinent let himself go

Post Office report all their computers are running fine

Man looking forward to Gavin and Stacey special doesn't get out much

Raducanu fans say they understand problem of stiff wrists

Tory HQ, "We're gonna need a bigger vote!"

Russia wins early gold in Olympics Sabotage event

Trump shooter “posed an ear and present danger”

Biden 'I will continue my bid for re-electrician'

Prisoners left in corridors whilst waiting for cells to become available

Scottish bog gets world heritage status - but I'd give it 10 minutes

Farage MP's to be sent to Reform School

UK prepares to be disappointed by Labour government for a change

Chris Grayling's first week at CrowdStrike going supremely well



Picture credit: Wix AI

8 Stylish Sunglasses To Protect You From Your Toxic Family’s Gaslighting


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1. Ray-Ban Original Wayfarer Clear Blue


The blue tint and UVA filters will give you maximum Gaslight Protection Factor when your younger sister - who got her teaching degree thanks to that essay titled ‘Irony and Social Responsibility in An Inspector Calls’ that you wrote, and she handed in without even reading - starts sistersplaining at family gatherings about how her life’s going better than yours because she’s 'street smart' and 'just knows how to play the system.'


2. Hugo Bo$$


Nude-toned sunglasses with transparent edges — ideal for embracing reality in all its bare, brutal glory, just like when your aunt, whose entire existence revolves around counting every single calorie YOU ingest, and monitors everything YOU have for lunch, dinner, breakfast, everything you drink, pee and poo, tells you she’s concerned about YOUR food issues. All because you refuse to starve your way into a size 8.


3. Dior Bobby RU1 by Christian Dior


These round, tortoiseshell-effect sunnies gently blur out all the surrounding bullshit. Perfect for those moments when your dad — who flirts with the woman at the corner shop or comments on the waitress’s cleavage — tells you not to use the f-word, as swearing is very unladylike.


4. VO5212S, Vogue


Rimless, leopard-print frames that scream ‘style’ and ‘emergency shielding’. Ideal for when your dad ties a T-bone to his head and asks your Senegalese mate if that’s 'a fashion thing over there', or takes a selfie with your 'fit friend' to send to the lads’ WhatsApp group… then tells you that you should look after your mental health problems because you 'take everything so seriously' and 'can’t take a joke.'


5. Gia Sunglasses, Tom Ford


Whew! With these glam specs, you’ll be glowing like a goddess and seeing La Vie En Rose through these amazing rose-tinted lenses as your mum — married to the male specimen from points 3 and 4 — sweetly suggests there’s something off about you being 30+ and not in a relationship.


6. Symbole, Prada


These sharply angular black sunglasses go with anything — especially on those occasions when your grandma suggests that leaving the house without blow-drying your hair, painting your nails, or wearing your cousin’s wedding guest outfit, just to pop to Tesco means you’ve officially given up on life.


7. Origins 45, Police


For when your brother-in-law from the 'send ‘em all back' school of politics opens his mouth. Just put them on. Keep them on. Doesn’t matter what he says. Do not take them off. Under. Any. Circumstances.


8. PRC Solar 999X Perovskite Solar Panel


Sunglasses won’t cut it if you’re from a large, toxic family. But don’t worry, love! This eco-friendly solar panel is your salvation. It packs enough punch to power your own off-grid system. Harvest every drop of family gaslight and knock some pounds off your next electricity bill. Go green. Go independent. Let toxic energy pay you!



Picture credit: AI generated image of sunglasses

Are You the Abuser of Someone Who Has Been Abused by You? A Step-by-Step Guide to Finding Out

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Are You the Abuser of Someone Who Has Been Abused by You? A Step-by-Step Guide to Finding Out


These days, it seems increasingly common to come across people who may have been abused by you. Maybe they were taken advantage of because of your position of power, or perhaps they were manipulated by you, humiliated by you, insulted by you, infantilized by you, gaslit by you—or, why not say it—also murdered by you.


But… how can you really tell if YOU have killed someone who was murdered by YOU?


Well, first things first: stay calm. Self-blame helps no one. Do you even have any proof? One can never predict when someone you’re about to attack will decide to be attacked by you. Losing your cool and accusing yourself of having abused someone who has been abused by you is simply not reasonable.


Watch for the signs that might indicate whether you may or may not be abusing someone who is currently being abused by you.


1. Fear of retaliation


Abusers can sometimes fear retaliation from the person being abused by them—be it in the form of police reports or public shaming in their social circles. These days, anyone can be abused by you and, even without being able to prove it, can go ahead and accuse you on social media of, indeed, abusing them.


This might make you feel that not abusing could put your status as an abuser at risk.


Do you feel like you can’t stop coercing or manipulating that person or their network? Are you afraid that if you do stop, you’ll discover that you’ve actually been a pathetic little turd your whole life, and that your way of keeping a job, maintaining friendships, entering relationships, climbing the ladder, and generally co-existing with the world has been through bullying, manipulation, and deceit?


Then you might actually have abused that person.


2. Shame and guilt


A complete lack of shame or guilt after committing abuse is a strong indicator that YES, you have abused someone who has been abused by you. This lack of remorse often leads to self-justification, or even to claiming the victim “likes it” and was basically “begging for it.”


If the victim stays strong, the abuser might develop ThisIsBullshit Syndrome: an overwhelming indignation toward the victim for daring to find ways to defend themselves.


Do you feel like you can’t abuse anyone anymore without them feeling abused? Is your lack of shame so deep that you actively try to limit the victim’s means of defence?


Hmmmm… then it’s very likely you are the abuser of someone who has been abused by you.


3. Social stigma


Society often stigmatizes abusers, cancelling and blaming them—get this—for abusing.


This sometimes causes abusers to fear social judgment and dedicate their entire professional careers to writing books, producing documentaries, joining talk shows, and starting anti-abuse political parties, all with the noble goal of discrediting and cancelling the hard work of other abusers, thereby aligning themselves with their victims.


In this way, the abuser builds the perfect alibi to ensure no one ever suspects that they too might be abusers.


This stigmatization can even lead some abusers to become abusephobes, spreading irrational fear and panic around the figure of the abuser.


Is that you? Don’t panic. Ask yourself: Do I have something to hide?


If the answer is yes, then you’re probably an abuser who doesn’t want to be exposed for fear of being judged as such.


Don’t be afraid! Be brave and unleash your inner sociopath!


4. Misunderstandings on both sides


Sometimes a person who has been abused by you didn’t mean to be abused, bless them.


It might have been a simple misunderstanding—on both your part and theirs—that occurred during a moment of heightened emotion. And well… if you’re the abuser, then you’re the abuser. No need to get all picky or blow things out of proportion.


Nowadays, prisons are quite comfortable anyway—they feed you and give you a bed, all paid for by the public! Pretty sweet deal, actually. So no whining, okay?


In summary...


It’s essential to recognize the red flags of a person who is being abused by you and seek help immediately.


We know it’s hard—judges and police often won’t listen to you. Just look at prisons: they’re full of abusers!


Why? Because abusers clearly live in a disadvantaged position compared to their victims.


But don’t let that stop you from continuing to abuse, brother.


Speak your truth on prime-time talk shows, find support among other abusers, and most importantly, never give up hope.


If you’re feeling really down, just think about the stats: while only 1% of the global population qualifies as psychopathic, all of them are in positions of power.


Hope that makes you feel better!



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