Newsbiscuit: Best of July 2024

NewsBiscuit
Jul 26
3 min read

July 2024

On the fourth of July 2024 the United Kingdom finally achieved independence from its Tory government. The Labour Party, led by a famous toolmakers' son, won a landslide victory on a campaign about change. Nothing else. Just change. The results were so bad that Reform won four seats. Keir Starmer and Rachel Reeves polished a new double act with a sketch called ‘Tory Black Hole’ that they repeated every day. Their oft-repeated catchphrase was about ‘tough decisions’.

Later in the month, a crack marksman shot a small hole in Donald Trump’s earlobe, giving him more hours of priceless publicity for his Presidential campaign. The assassination attempt proved fatal for Joe Biden, and his campaign was finally ended for him, because he couldn’t remember anything appropriate or useful. Catching Covid was the final straw.

In real news, the England (men’s) football team made it to the final of the Euros. In order to fulfil an important national stereotype, they were contractually obliged to lose, which they obligingly did. Gareth Southgate was widely seen as having done a good job, and obviously, therefore, had to go. In tennis, Wimbledon. In other sport, the Paris Olympics began. The opening ceremony went on for miles, and seemingly for days. The central theme seemed to be about torrential rain. Thames Water weren’t sponsoring the swimming events in the Seine, but they should have been. Anti-sport activists disrupted the French rail service.

There were widespread IT problems when CrowdStrike, the cybersecurity ‘experts’ messed up a software update and caused problems around the world. Switching it off and on again didn’t help.

In entertainment news, the involuntary manslaughter case against Alec Baldwin was dismissed because the prosecution had withheld evidence. And Thames Water’s credit rating was downgraded to junk status – due to ‘insufficient liquidity’. Lol.

Here is a selection of the top stories from July 2024. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.

General Election

Rising sea levels now blamed on Tory tears

Rachel Reeves says Wicked Witch had to make 'tough decisions'

Sport

Tennis Doubles partners going to do fist bump after every point

Day five & the Olympic Opening Ceremony is still going

British tourists fail to notice French railway sabotage

Paris Olympics opened by Eurovision and Eurotrash tribute

Football decides not to come home

US politics

Biden campaign leaves old folks’ home with wrong doddery old man

Disappointment as wrong senile, ineffectual elderly man leaves presidential race