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HAPPY HUMBUG DAY & A SEASONS CONTRAFIBULATIONS TO ALL OUR READERS



Yes, it’s that time of year again. Sod all in the news, and the only thing you could find for your significant other was a windscreen wiper for a Nissan Micra in the Halfords pre-Xmas sale.


If you can tear yourself away from a simmering row with Great Aunt Pumice over the desperate state of the sprouts, want to stop laughing at Boris’s address to the nation for five minutes and avoid you know who’s bloody speech, then check in with us at Newsbiscuit central. Our world-beating editors are still hard at work in the main bar of The Nelson’s arms, taking lager flow tests on the hour every hour in case anything newsworthy happens anywhere, at all, whatsoever.


Today, for one day only, we are pleased to announce the Newsbiscuit TITUS HEADLINE XMAS SPECIAL. Titus is a legendary Newsbiscuit contributor, who valiantly floods our Writer’s Room with hundreds if not thousands of contributions on a daily basis, many of which remain unpublished, also on a daily basis.


Whether this is because of the Newsbiscuit VAR machine, good taste or for completely biased editorial reasons, scientists can’t say for sure due to Russian hackers refusing to share their data.


ENJOY


Ye Merry Newsbiscuit Editorial Team



First published 25 Dec 2021


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Newsbiscuit generously opens borders to flood of Twitterian migrants




With the worsening situation in Twitteria catching the public eye, reports indicate tens of hundreds of thousands of millions of inhabitants of Twitteria are heading for the borders. They are seeking safe passage and a warm welcome - or a safe welcome and a warm passage - on other social sites where their acknowledged literary skills may help raise the standards of satire, debate and humour. One of the sites that has welcomed the potential influx is People's Republic of Newsbiscuitonia.


"I'll be honest," said a long time Biscuiteer, "we've never managed to reach the levels of cat photos. How do they do that in Twitteria? I'd love it if some of their top wits could work alongside us and impart their skills and knowledge."


One Twitterian, looking across the border at Newsbiscuitonia, wasn't so sure. "Don't they have emojis? Ewww, how primitive. Or maybe they just don't know how to use them? And as for arguments and rage, there only seems to be one subject they argue about - solar flannels or something? They do seem a really sleepy idle lot. I mean, it's like, a thread in Newsbiscuit lasts maybe, 6 messages, and then dies, right? Where's all the thousands of reposts and insults and likes and shares? And Y do they spel stuf out in ful 2 xplain things? I think a few good Twitterians could take this place in minutes. We'd swamp it."


Negotiations between the Twitterian ambassador and the Newsbiscuitonian Home Secretary (NHS) have progressed to a stage where the NHS explained, "We need these migrant workers to keep our staffing levels up. Many of our existing members are increasingly elderly, frail and demented.


'"An influx of healthy, vibrant, young blood is what we all need. Especially at this time of year. There will be extra demand on A&E (Amusement & Euphemism) units in the run-up to Christmas. We don't want to keep re-cycling the same old crackers jokes. We're sure these wonderful, elegant, subtle creatures from Twitteria could be just the yeast our doughy old mix needs. Or kneads. That's a joke! Ha-Ha! You see, it's working already!"




First published 20 Nov 2022


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