Prince Philip to guest edit NewsBiscuit

The Palace has confirmed that the request for the Duke of Edinburgh to guest edit NewsBiscuit is likely to become a reality. Founder John O'Farrell put the request in to Buckingham Palace in 2009 after a boozy night with some BBC writers and an undisclosed bet, but the request was prioritised down to the lowest level and never reached fruition during the Prince's life.

Since the Prince passed demand for his patronage has declined markedly, with few new requests being made most weeks. Consequently, the request is now reaching the top of the list, just behind a request to open the Flint Greggs store (opened without the Prince in 2005, closed two years later and now home to a charity shop selling pre-loved porn) and a guest appearance on Jim'll Fix It.

'The Duke would have loved the guest edit gig,' said a Palace spokesman today. 'He wasn't that tech-savvy, but he loved the print version, especially the racist homophobic bits. When did you change your name from the Daily Mail?' he asked.

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Newsbiscuit generously opens borders to flood of Twitterian migrants

With the worsening situation in Twitteria catching the public eye, reports indicate tens of hundreds of thousands of millions of inhabitants of Twitteria are heading for the borders. They are seeking safe passage and a warm welcome - or a safe welcome and a warm passage - on other social sites where their acknowledged literary skills may help raise the standards of satire, debate and humour. One of the sites that has welcomed the potential influx is People's Republic of Newsbiscuitonia.

"I'll be honest," said a long time Biscuiteer, "we've never managed to reach the levels of cat photos. How do they do that in Twitteria? I'd love it if some of their top wits could work alongside us and impart their skills and knowledge."

One Twitterian, looking across the border at Newsbiscuitonia, wasn't so sure. "Don't they have emojis? Ewww, how primitive. Or maybe they just don't know how to use them? And as for arguments and rage, there only seems to be one subject they argue about - solar flannels or something? They do seem a really sleepy idle lot. I mean, it's like, a thread in Newsbiscuit lasts maybe, 6 messages, and then dies, right? Where's all the thousands of reposts and insults and likes and shares? And Y do they spel stuf out in ful 2 xplain things? I think a few good Twitterians could take this place in minutes. We'd swamp it."

Negotiations between the Twitterian ambassador and the Newsbiscuitonian Home Secretary (NHS) have progressed to a stage where the NHS explained, "We need these migrant workers to keep our staffing levels up. Many of our existing members are increasingly elderly, frail and demented.

'"An influx of healthy, vibrant, young blood is what we all need. Especially at this time of year. There will be extra demand on A&E (Amusement & Euphemism) units in the run-up to Christmas. We don't want to keep re-cycling the same old crackers jokes. We're sure these wonderful, elegant, subtle creatures from Twitteria could be just the yeast our doughy old mix needs. Or kneads. That's a joke! Ha-Ha! You see, it's working already!"

Image: Pixabay/MikeRenPening

NewsBiscuit Podcast 5 now available

For free to download on Spotify and other podcast platforms. Or you can view it on YouTube at https://youtu.be/KwHTnm9lifE

Comedy news from NewsBiscuit.

Host: Wrenfoe

Featuring Guests: Kit Caboodle, Chipchase, Bernard Castle & Al O’Pecia.

August 2021

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