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Newsbiscuit - Best of October 2024

NewsBiscuit
2 days ago

October 2024

After all that stuff about a fiscal black hole, and the winter fuel payment thing, there was considerable anxiety about the Budget. Sound familiar? Rachel Reeves delivered her budget on October 30^th and whacked businesses with big rises in National Insurance and minimum wage costs. Still, at least she didn’t break any manifesto commitments. Kind of. The Conservatives continued to grind through a leadership election process, hampered by the complete lack of any decent candidates. Just think, back then Robert Jenrick was still considered middle of the road.

In the US, presidential candidate Kamala Harris (remember her?} released her medical records. And Donald Trump continued to not release his.

In entertainment news, Jeremy Clarkson had a cardiac thingy, and had to go to the NHS. Turns out, he does have a heart. Who knew? In sporting news, female pensioners were aghast at Wimbledon’s plans to remove their eye candy, and replace line judges with Hawkeye. No, not the guy from M*A*S*H.

Here is a selection of the top Newsbiscuit stories from October 2024. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.

UK politics

Budget changes are disastrous / brilliant

Labour puts taxes up to avoid tax rises

Box of Frogs hiding in Kemi Badenoch suit

Gardeners on alert as MI5 say attacks planned on UK soil

US and world politics

Donald Trump's Medical Report, by Dr Seuss

Elon Musk has a paddy because we’re still calling it Twitter

Israel’s day of atonement extended to full week

Jeremy Clarkson

Dodgy moment during Clarkson heart operation as the surgeon’s hand slipped and Jeremy’s nose lit up.

Other news

Shop fitting error traps 29 in Ikea

Tate to charge £400k to throw food at art works

Post Office admits pre-Horizon system Abacus may have been faulty

Police return £8 million worth of chips stolen by seagulls

Fans of Mrs Brown's Boys Shocked by Rehearsal Revelation

Headlines - politics

Lettuce makes late bid for Tory leadership

Burning rubbish overtakes politics as dirtiest form of power

After attacking UN, Israel to start stomping on kittens

Gen Z and Gen Alpha reject GenRick

Special episode of Little Britain to feature Badenoch & Jenrick

Starmer: I won't raise taxes for working people... but Rachel will...

'Feels like 14 years already' says Starmer

All of Starmer's decisions so far described as complete no-brainers

Strange drone over the Pentagon revealed to be a broadcast of Keir Starmer’s speech

Tory party lumbered with choice between two Liz-Truss-calibre leadership candidates

...more headlines...

Are you wasting your time online? Take our quiz to find out

Barefoot man finally realises Socktober is not a thing

Charity regrets its slogan 'Let's help bone cancer patients'

Are transparent urns the future? Remains to be seen

Local selling Cuban food, drink and cigars becomes Castro pub

Elderly nuns to star in action movie Old Habits Die Hard

Local dog-sitter flattened hundreds of pups

Man with a chip on his shoulder attacked by seagulls

...and some more...

Woman who wants to have her cake and eat it buys two cakes

Man who ‘always goes the extra mile’ sacked from taxi driver job

Man who fights fire with fire sacked from the Fire Service

Printer admits it hasn’t run out of ink, it’s just taking the p!ss

Where to look to see the comet passing by for the first time in 800,000 years. Up.

London Eye 'on the blink'

Hawk-Eye to replace line judges? You can NOT be serious!!

Man enters 11th hour of 5-minute DIY task

Nottingham Council isn't going to talk to NewsBiscuit anymore

Throngsman
Sep 9

The Nottingham Post has found itself blacklisted by Nottingham Council, a subsidiary of Reform Ltd. The Councillors aren't allowed to answer questions from the journalists or even to let them judge their colouring-in.

NewsBiscuit understands that its journalists (sic) are also banned from being provided soundbites, dubious factoids or frankly unbelievable claptrap from any part of the council, but especially from the elected morons. In the absence of access to low quality information from lower quality councillors playing at running a council NewsBiscuit has no other option than to make stuff up and write articles that are almost, but critically not quite, libellous about the bell-ends running Nottingham Council. Their colouring-in, by the way, is atrocious. They can't find the line, let alone stay inside of it. Not libellous, just fact.

To save being banned by other Reform Ltd run councils it is now NewsBiscuit policy to write absolute bollocks about each and every other Reform Ltd council in the UK, just as we do and have done about any political entity since we started.

However, following Reform UK Ltd CEO's claim in Washington that Reform Ltd doesn't silence critics or media, NewsBiscuit is now looking forward to seeing the Nottingham Post in Reform briefings soon.

image from Gemini

Newsbiscuit: Best of September 2024

NewsBiscuit
Sep 5

September 2024

Labour have been in power for three months now, and the rhetoric about the ‘Tory black hole’ in the nation's finances is starting to sound like a broken record. If you repeat a truth often enough, does it become a lie? Keir Starmer launched his ten-year plan for the NHS, kicking any measurable improvements firmly into the second term. And he famously said sausages when he meant hostages. I expect he was hungry. The Tories remained very, very quiet, as if gagged. And enjoying it.

In royal news, there were two new TV programmes about Prince Andrew’s laughably bad interview on Newsnight. And King Charles was trying to kick Andrew out of Royal Lodge for not paying his rent and not paying for repairs. And still probably one of Andrew’s better months.

In the entertainment world, people were talking about the Oasis reunion tour and complaining about the cost of ‘dynamically priced’ tickets. And protestors chucked some more soup at Van Gogh’s sunflowers. Can you remember why? Me neither. In weather news, the Met Office said that the summer had been the coolest since 2015. Which sounds like the set-up for a joke about the Oasis reunion...

Further afield, there was another failed assassination attempt on Donald Trump. Donald was out golfing in Florida and narrowly avoided a hole in one. And four NASA astronauts continued to be stranded in space, rotating helplessly and unable to do anything. Like the Democrats. On the plus side, the Hubble telescope found a supermassive black hole. Another one. Keir will be pleased. And Ukraine and Gaza continued to be difficult territory for humourists. Sorry, guys.

Here is a selection of the top stories from September 2024. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.

UK Politics

Scientists turn James Webb Space Telescope on Labour’s black hole

Ambitious young Tories vie to be next leader but one

Starmer quickest PM to become grey haired old bastard

Mobile phones will enable people to X-ray themselves and other proposed NHS reforms

"Leave NHS overhaul to us," chuckle management consultants

US Politics

Six assassins die in crossfire while trying to kill Trump

Dressing Trump as a schoolboy would give shooters a chance

Royal News

New BAFTA award - Best Dramatisation of Prince Andrew Interview

Prince Andrew launches York Riviera Orchard brand