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As accusations of Johnson's utter incompetence grow it appears the PM's not for turning

Updated: Nov 26, 2021



As momentum builds at Westminster acknowledging Boris Johnson's utter incompetence and total lack of integrity, Tory MPs are said to becoming increasingly more worried with each passing day.


One minister speaking off the record said: 'Look we all know he's a feckless narcissist, although he did do a job for us on Brexit. But now though, I'm rather afraid patience is fast running out among colleagues and something needs to be done.'


And it appears that something involves a radical change of tack for the PM. There are growing calls for Mr Johnson to start doing some actual work, with many suggesting 'work' cannot be defined as swanning around schools and factories shaking hands and looking for pointless photo opportunities up to five times a week.


The minister continued: 'We're talking about getting things done. Putting in a shift. Actually getting his hands dirty. You know, reading and not shredding briefings, then god forbid, acting on them promptly and decisively with real ideas and policies.'


However, it's unclear just how receptive Mr Johnson is to the rising clamour, as a leaked extract from his engagement diary detailing the period from now to Christmas, shows he has three Caribbean holidays paid for by benefactors scheduled, a trip to Covent Garden Opera House, something called Beckie's Dungeon, a half-completed game of hangman, two ink blots and a tomato ketchup stain.





Last of the "Downing Street Image Touslers" retires

Updated: Nov 23, 2021



The last of the "Downing Street Image Touslers", Janice Edwards, is to step down next week. Janice led a six-strong image management team put together to ensure the Prime Minister always had that 'just rolled out of someone else's bed' look.

"The team was set up right after he was elected. Some continuity was needed to maintain that trademark crumpled look - he referred to us as his touslers, and it sort of stuck, " confided Janice. "Initially, we had myself and Richard on hair and make-up, Carole and Laura on jackets, ties and shirts, and Garry and Katriona on trousers".

"Poor Kat. In those early days, we really didn't know how ... er ... potently fecund the PM was. Working in close proximity to 'wee Boris' , even through several layers of fabric, was enough for her to end up pregnant. We had to rotate the assignments and beef up the PPE. Then Jeanne had a couple of scares, and within six months, a third of the team was on maternity leave. Even Garry started complaining of ovulation pains."

With the COVID lockdown, the much-reduced team found their tasks far more stressful, with the PM having to tousle himself - under close Zoom supervision - for long periods of 2020.

"If you look back through the briefings, you can see that the quality of the tousle suffered dramatically", confided Janice. "This was a terrible time for us as we literally watched all our hard work unravel in front of the whole country."

The decision was eventually made to disband the Touslers early this year, with Janice remaining on to help train up their replacement - consisting of a number of ex-Warrington Wolves rugby league players in NBC suits, a couple of stout ropes, and a length of hawthorn hedge.

"It lacks finesse, but it is effective, and - hopefully - no more pregnancies."






Levelling up: Boris moves entire North offshore

Updated: Dec 3, 2021



The whole North of England has been moved to a PO Box in the British Virgin Islands, it was confirmed today.

'It’s the simplest way of levelling up', said a government spokesman.


'All northerner wages will cross the Atlantic, do the double Irish and circumnavigate the Channel Islands before hitting pockets. The only tax they’ll pay will be on Wetherspoons beer, pies and whippet insurance. Hardly any loss to the treasury, according to my mate Piers.'


However, some Conservatives expressed concern that the cost of public services for Redcar, Ribblesdale and Rotherham would fall on southern shoulders.


'There’s an easy solution to that', said a spokesperson for Jacob Rees-Mogg MP. 'Stash the South in the Cayman Islands in a multilayered fund structure. Beyond that, Jacob reckons that if a wage-earner in Wokingham is stupid enough to lose his money to a Turkmen jumble sale scam that’s his lookout. He should have gone to a better school.'





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