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PM denies Houses of Parliament are ‘institutionally corrupt’





Despite mild criticism of UK politicians in recent days / weeks / months / years / centuries, PM Rishi Sunak denies that both the UK Chambers (and bastions) of democracy are in any way institutionally corrupt. a spokesperson for the PM, explained:-


“Use of the word ‘institutionally’ is unhelpful because it politicises what is really down to a few individual rotten apples.


"Yes I admit there have been isolated instances of illegal payments for lobbying. And sexual harassment. And photo-copier abuse. And bullying. And ignoring Covid lock-down rules and lying to Parliament. And religious bigotry. And awarding lucrative Covid contracts to chums without tendering. And anti-semitism. And using ‘imaginative’ tax-avoidance schemes. And sucking up to Russian oligarchs (and their money).


"But I don’t think we should concentrate on a few minor misdemeanours. What the public really wants to know is how I am making the UK great again. This is of course not easy after 12 years of Tory misrule – oops I meant challenging global trading conditions.


"However after the four previous lazy, deadbeat, incompetent, ‘economical with the truth’ and batshit incumbents, voters will hopefully realise the sunlit uplands are just around the corner”.




Do you suffer from cognitive dissonance? A guide.



Does your behaviour contradict your avowed beliefs?

Perhaps you are a PM who declares he believes in integrity but delays taking action to enforce it.

Maybe you are millionaire who became an MP "to serve the people", but are just helping out yourself and your chums. You may have been in charge of the Exchequer but were unable to monitor your own tax affairs. Are some of your actions described as "careless" rather than deliberate?


Despite all available information indicating that you have been economical with the actualité, you have the brass neck to stay in your post? Do you have no shame? Does it appear that honour and principle are concepts outside your moral compass. Welcome to the Conservative Party.



Image:

All MPs to be serial killers by 2030



Government ethics advisers have called for new, tougher targets for parliamentary behaviour.


‘Lying, cheating, awarding billion pound contracts to friends – they’re a good start’, explained a spokesman, ‘but we can do better’.


MPs must have had multiple extra-marital affairs by 2025 and have drowned a kitten (or puppy) in a canal by 2027. The serial killing rules won’t apply until 2030 to give MPs time to undertake training in Forensic Awareness, Body Disposal and Creative Use of Poisons.


‘We’re organising expensive in-service training for all 650 MPs’, said the spokesman. ‘It’s quite a step up from shagging your secretary to drowning a kitten, and then to killing three random strangers, but the current Cabinet is extraordinarily talented. We wouldn’t be surprised if a certain former minister had already jumped the gun – that’s a serial killer’s smirk if ever I saw one’.


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