No hypocrisy in helping fellow rich arsehole, spokesperson for Farage says

A spokesperson for anti-immigration, pro-sovereignty politician Nigel Farage has said that his recent whirlwind visit to support Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic in his battle with Australian immigration was not hypocritical, but consistent with Farage's fundamental belief in the right of very rich people to do whatever they liked, regardless of the law or public health.

When an entitled arsehole is in trouble, Mr Farage will fly to the rescue" said a spokesperson. "First class of course".

Mr Farage has released a video of him meeting Mr Djokovic and his brother. Novak smiles, while his brother is thought to be heard saying in Serbian "So this guy's an immigration lawyer is he? He's got government connections? How da f@ck is he going to help us then?"

Following a sarcastic comment from Andy Murray about the politician being better known for "trying to get Eastern Europeans deported", Farage is thought to have been heard saying he will support Novak if he plays "that Scottish tennis player". Farage was expected to enter the Australian Open himself - the veteran's competition of course - but had to withdraw after recently straining his back jumping on a bandwagon.

Image: Pixabay/as19story

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Drinkers furious over shortage of lager flow tests

'

It's gone too far now,' observed 17-stone Rob Franks, a hotel front of house manager from Romford.

'I like to sink a few pints of Lidl Premium Pils with my mates after dealing with a very demanding clientele all day. Now the idiots who run the NHS have run out of test kits. I mean, how do I keep an eye on how many I've had? It's out of order. I can understand them running out of non-essential bits and bobs like PCR tests, but lager flow tests? It's utterly bonkers.'

Rob's girlfriend, Tarquina agreed. 'As Rob said, he likes a pint, but not having any lager flow tests so he can keep an eye on his pintage consumption is just completely irresponsible of the government. Let's be honest, we all know there's a fine line between drinking responsibly and punching someone in the face for asking you to keep it down a bit.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/analogicus-8164369/

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Covid excited about first day at new school

With the Xmas Hols coming to an end, kids up and down the country are looking forward to exchanging variants of their favourite diseases. Equally, teachers can expect to have their classroom turn into a petri dish and their scheme of work to transform into a diary of hospital appointments.

Although masks will be worn in class, Covid itself will scampering through the air, like a syphillitic Aled Jones. By the end of the first day it will have circulated faster than the rumour that someone in the Sixth Form is pregnant.

Asked if it was ready for the school safety measures, Covid replied: 'Looks like I'm the only one who has done their homework'

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