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Blair: Everyone will catch Covid in 45mins




The former PM and unrepentant liar has given the anti-vax movement a significant boost by promoting a fourth vaccine. Complained one scientist: 'Great, just what we needed, an endorsement by Harold Shipman'.


The snake-oil salesman insisted the fourth jab was necessary, as Saddam Hussain had caused Covid. Said one voter: 'I assume Blair has just been lobbied by big Pharma to inject us with Bill Gates' nanobots. Either that, or he'll dose us up with Rohypnol and steal our bank details.


Blair explained that he would coordinate the injections from a secluded wood. It would be administered by a nice MI5 man and we won't 'feel a thing'. And, anyway, the autopsy report would just say suicide.




No. 10 celebrates new Covid high score with meeting that isn’t a party


Record breaking levels of the omicron variant have led to fears of the return of lockdowns, home schooling and Joe Wicks.


Wearing a Christmas jumper and with tinsel draped over a party hat, slightly sozzled Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘Everyone’s getting this cool new hip and happening variant. It’s a total vindication of Boris’ twin strategies of herd immunity and letting the bodies pile high.


On an unrelated note we’re playing Twister at our work-meeting-that-isn’t-a-party. Our plan is to save Christmas, then close the borders to keep foreigners out and our rabid base happy. But we won’t have an official lockdown because that means paying for furlough and Rishi did not look happy about helping people. Plus venues will close and we really want the creative arts to suffer because anyone with a soul hates us. Job done I’d say.’






Covid restrictions cause queue of chickens waiting to come home to roost outside No 10


A queue of chickens has built up outside 10 Downing Street. When questions, members of the queue explained that they were waiting to come home to roost but Covid restrictions meant that only a small number are allowed in at a time.


"I'm here about a certain blonde 'telecoms advisor'.", explained Ms Clucky, "But I've simply got to wait my turn while the Christmas parties and redecoration chickens are in there building a nest."


It's thought that Downing Street has put pressure on the Health Department to introduce even more stringent restrictions on chickens but the Health Minister has resisted saying, "It just feels a bit odd to single out chickens."


Further down the queue, there is some despondency; "I don't think I'll ever get in.", said Mrs Peckpeck of Peckham. "I'm here with a group of friends about made up articles in the Spectator, but we've two mistresses and the Brexit bus in front of us."






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