UK government finally delivers on Covid Delta PLUS

After failing to deliver on promises of Norway plus or Canada plus for Britain, the UK government has finally come good on Covid Delta Plus. A government spokesfiend licked its talons and hissed, 'People should be a bit more damned respectful. We always promised we would deliver the best possible outcome for Britain, and here it finally is. No, no... I just seem to... er... have something in my eye.' 'We have strained every sinew to stop bothering with any sort of restrictions and worked tirelessly to misinform people so that they give up on wearing masks and get back into schools and offices. Without the help of millions of heroic Brits who flung off their restrictive, freedom-killing, virtue-signalling masks, we just couldn't have guided everyone to these sunlit uplands. 'AY.4.2 is, however, too boring, so we're definitely not following the science on this one and instead we're calling it The Great British Covid Delta Variant Plus. It's the proper, glorious ubervariant Britain deserves, and you just know it's going to be world-beating.'

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“Covid? Oh, yeah, whatever happened with that?” asks mainstream media

By Our Health Correspondent, Ian Difference

MEDIA CENTRE, SALFORD – Newspaper editors nationwide felt a nagging sensation of having forgotten something important yesterday, as the realisation dawned on them that there is actually still a pandemic on.

With over 250,000 cases and 790 deaths from Covid-19 in the last week, the rampaging virus finally caught the attention of the right-wing press as well as the main television channels, albeit fleetingly.

“Coronavirus? I remember that thing. God, those were the days, eh? So glad it’s all over and done with now,” said the head of BBC news, looking up briefly from his crossword as a colleague mentioned the ghastly figures. “Any more stories about politicians doing karaoke?”

“Christ! Covid! I knew there was something we’d forgotten to report on for the last 100 days in a row,” cried the editor of the Daily Mail. “But, in fairness, Freedom Day announced the dawning of a new era: an era of journalists pretending the virus doesn’t exist.”

“Turning a blind eye to the ravages of the virus is better for profits,” agreed the chief executive of the Daily Telegraph. “So we’ve gone back to what we do best – publishing exclusives about woke-ism destroying our museums and universities, and bashing the gay dancers on Strictly.”

“Yes, even though infection rates have risen ever-higher since the summer and the UK has maintained a place on the red list of nearly all of our neighbours, we didn’t find room to mention any of that,” said every newspaper in a joint statement. “Some things are better left unsaid, especially if they might require self-sacrifice.”

The newsmen confirmed they could be convinced to cover the pandemic again, but only in opinion pieces lambasting the concept of lockdowns.

image pixabay/geralt

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UK to turn Covid into petrol

British scientists say they have unlocked the means of solving our fuel shortage, while at the same time getting Boris Johnson ‘out of the $hit’. Intensive care wards will soon look like petrol forecourts, with queues of BMW drivers fighting to siphon mucus from your nan.

Covid particles will gathered in the sweaty undergarments of the infected and then carefully poured into jerry cans. Then through an elaborate process of osmosis, pollination and lucky heather, the Covid ‘drippings’ will magically transform into diesel.

Petrol pricing will no longer be expressed in pounds, but by the number of sick school children to the mile. Explained one boffin: ‘It’s not so outlandish, the Department of Works & Pensions have been getting blood from a stone for years’.

image pixabay/no-longer-here

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