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Hovercraft to solve HS2 problems


The HS2 project is in a mess. The cost of the London to Birmingham link is now over £107bn, or 82 years worth of winter fuel payment savings.


The news that not a single piece of track had been ordered, let alone laid, has encouraged hovercraft fans to step forward.


Colin Keener, an enthusiastic advocate for British engineering, says that a hovercraft solution could cut costs and save the day.


'Hovercraft don't need any rails,' said Colin, stating the obvious. 'Getting to speeds of 220mph could be an issue, but jet engines would do the job. Steering could be a slight challenge, so the high speed hovercraft might need a guide wire. It is possible that carriages might sway a bit, but probably no worse than those pendolino trains.


He went on to say that the weight of hovercraft trains wouldn't be an issue as long as passenger numbers were restricted.


A spokesman for the Department for Transport acknowledged the proposal with a sigh. He pointed out that the £107bn cost of HS2 would be easily covered by the sale of 3.1 billion rail cards.



Best of NewsBiscuit - May 2024


May 2024


The small matter of the General Election date was finally announced on the 23rd of May, outside 10 Downing Street, by one of the smaller Tory Wets. That’s right – only a year ago! The Tories continued to do their best impersonation of a busted flush and Tory MPs continued to be quite defective. Labour continued to mutter about change and refused to say anything about their policies. Ed Davey started planning his tour of Britain’s theme parks.


The hearings into the Post Office Horizon scandal continued. Paula Vennells continued to protest her ignorance, and therefore innocence. It was all so unbelievable that a career in politics seemed to be beckoning. On the plus side, the convictions of many subpostmasters were – at last - overturned.

Water companies and water quality continued to make the news. Water company bosses continued to poo-poo concerns about sewage. Bookings for UK holiday resorts hit rock bottom.

Here is a selection of the top stories from May 2024, loosely organised by topic. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


General Election


Post Office Scandal


Sport


Other nonsense



Selected headlines from May 2024


Sunak ignores teams of fat ladies singing outside Downing Street

Eurovision: "Not over until the bearded lady sings"

All Universities required to become Diversities

Free Julian Assange! (buyer collects)

I'm trying to give up being a pirate, but the patches aren't working

Pals with receding hairlines say they go back a long way

Prince William accidentally calls the FA Cup 'Dad'

Tories suffering from electoral dysfunction

Cocaine worth £40 million found in car park still not enough to pay for two hours parking

Post Office paid Paula Vennells 5 million pounds to know nothing about anything

Boats on all English rivers now required to have a poop deck


Picture credit: Deep Dream Generator

Aphorisms for modern times – the unsolicited Part 2


Part 1 of our series on modern aphorisms had an erudite introduction. Part 2 doesn’t.


Here is our second selection of aphorisms for modern times. Wise, true, memorable, concise – these are none of the words that describe our efforts:


None of us are as stupid as all of us - except the really stupid ones


It's not big, and it's not clever, but it was pretty funny


If wishes were fishes you'd stink of mackerel


On the path less travelled you are more likely to sprain your ankle


Just because it feels right doesn't make it legal


Behind every successful man is a right wing think tank funded by billionaires


Let lying dogs sleep


Spare the rod and spoil the emu


The road to Hell is full of potholes


Truth Social is stranger than fiction


He who laughs last misses the next gag


If it is worth doing, someone else will eventually do it


A fairy tale is a horror story to prepare children for the newspapers


Ever notice, when finally you’ve got to a position where you’re holding all the cards,

that everybody else is playing chess?


Who cares if the world is full of apathetic people?


A fool and his money are soon partying.



These modern aphorisms are based on the collective wisdom of modelmaker, FlashArry, amd deskpilot


Picture credit: stablediffusion


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