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Best of Newsbiscuit - February 2024



February 2024...


Politic mudslinging in Britain continued, as election fever tightened its grip. The government continued to do nothing, which it considered the least worst option, while factions inside the Conservative Party knocked seven bells out of each other. Keir Starmer continued his policy of promising nothing, and talked tough to keep his recalcitrant troops into line.


In the US, Joe Biden (‘the gaffer’) continued to insist that he could beat Donald Trump, and wouldn’t quit the race. Trump continued to do and say strange things. How we laughed.


In other news, royal illnesses loomed large. In the world of sport, we ran the prophetic story ‘Tom Hartley to be fast-tracked to cricketing failure’. And we had some topical Valentine’s Day posts.


Here’s a personal selection of the top stories from February 2024, loosely organised by topic. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see a selection of the month’s best headlines.


Politics UK


Politics USA


Royal News


Valentine’s Day


Sport and Lifestyle


And a selection of the best headlines from February 2024


Including all the other news – taxes, net zero, Navalny, the green belt, Covid inquiry, and Gaza. We are fearless. We can make fun of almost anything….


Airfix modeller struggling with the transfer window

Overworked journalists ask Tories for just one scandal at a time

Popular Conservatives even less popular than actual Conservatives

Chancellor to raise taxes to fund tax cuts

Hermit orders contactless debit card

Pulping companies eagerly await copies of Liz Truss's new book

'My memory is fine' - Biden tells coat rack

Trawler men admit net zero isn't working for them           

‘I remember when all this were buildings,’ says Gazan grandfather

Navalny felt unwell after walk to clifftop, prison officials say

Failed pop star says he's bored hitless

Green belt loosened

Ozone Layer accused of Massive Cover-Up

‘Sturgeon harvested my tears before Covid Inquiry attendance,’ says crocodile

Netanyahu sets up Frontières Sans Médecins

Man found guilty of overusing commas is told to expect a very long sentence

'Aim for the stars' Oscars sniper told

Teachers astonished to learn they only do 26 hours unpaid overtime a week


Picture credit: Wix AI

Trump refuses to rule out military force to acquire hat



Donald Trump has refused to rule out military action in his quest to acquire a Panama hat.


Although Panama hats are widely available from reputable suppliers, and are also available on the internet, The Donald does not seem ready to acquire one this way.


‘I did have a Panama hat, but it was stolen from me,’ claimed almost-President Trump on his anti-social media platform Social UnTruth.  ‘Luckily, I have thousands of MAGA caps still in stock, at only $39.99 plus postage.  Buy now before prices rise.


‘As a free American, I have a constitutional right to wear whatever hat I like, even if it is a Panama hat and un-American by definition.  And all free Americans have the right to defend, or attack, hats of any colour, if they feel like it, including with automatic weapons.   It’s the American way.


Just to be clear, I only want a Panama hat so that I can jump up and down on it, to show everyone what my approach to foreign policy will be.’


Picture credit: Wix AI

Meghan’s new cookery show teaches you how to Photoshop a lentil


The new Netflix series, With Love, Meghan, launches on January 15. But already the fan of the Duchess is raving about some of the astonishing food hacks contained in the lifestyle-promotional televisual plea for absolution and lots, lots more attention. ‘I bought myself a House of Sussex notebook and pen and made copious content notes. And – as Meghan advised - finished each with a heart and smiley, and other emojis, to detract from the imperativeness of the standard cooking advice lexicon.’


Smiling pan-racially at every moment, the Duchess welcomes culinary neophytes into a cutting-edge world of insta-conscious gustatory presentational techniques. And what she has unleashed in sustenential positivity is being talked up in some quarters as full karmic compensation for all those years of Covid. For this is not your average cookery show. It is the full, para-royal inversion of a genre.


In the trailer for the series, Meghan can be seen picking produce from her garden and warmly ignoring her father. Back in her Montecito kitchen, while Harry cleans the oven with a very old toothbrush, Meghan spends the first hour of the show thanking her ‘amazing team’ one by one. Using words such as ‘fantastic’ and (again) ‘amazing’ she says that she is ‘beyond grateful for the support’, leaving viewers pondering how ‘beyond grateful’ might take form in language or emotion.


Then it’s down to business! Lentils, the Duchess explains, don’t look good in most close-up shots, even the red ones that are actually from India. So Ms Markle walks viewers through the process of using image editing techniques to make tasteless brown mush gleam like the diamonds worn by the whore played by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. While the food on the plate looks about as appetizing as Walsall street pizza, the resulting image would make you want to eat the screen through which it fakes.


At which point the show ends, leaving viewers gasping at the ingenuity of the knowhow, the smiliness of the Duchess, and the fantastic, amazing teaminess of the team. But be careful! Despite the Duchess’s heartfelt encomiums for a delicate moderation in all things diet, With Love, Meghan is product you might just want to binge. 



Editor's note: The best interpretation we can make of the term 'beyond grateful' is 'not grateful any more.'


Picture credit: deskpilot

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