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Tories shocked to discover that Boris Johnson behaved like Boris Johnson again


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Senior Conservative Party members have expressed their shock and surprise that Boris Johnson has behaved exactly like Boris Johnson.


"I simply had no idea that he might be a lazy incompetent who covers his mistakes with bluster and lying." said a stunned Oliver Dowden, co-chair of the party (not the Christmas party, the Tory Party).


"I know that his entire career has been like that, but there was no indication that he would carry on in the same manner. I thought he might be a bit like John Major or Kier Starmer - oh, what am I saying."





Downing Street Christmas party this year to be ‘absolute rager’


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Following complaints that the 2020 Downing Street Christmas party atmosphere was a bit down, organisers have promised that 2021’s will be a ‘mad one’ needing a ‘totally docile press’ to avoid scandals.


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘The theme last year was “F*ck the Plebs” but that got people down because it made us think about the plebs. This year, Therese Coffey is bringing extra mistletoe and promised to grind on Jacob Rees-Mogg until his nanny intervenes. Sajid Javid is bringing all his friends, which may backfire if none turn up. Michael Gove has promised more E than Easy-E’s Scrabble set. The PM did say to “follow Covid rules” – his air quotes not mine – but then he winked, rubbed his thighs and demanded a hot totty with some hot toddy.’






Levelling up will ensure entire nation is underwater

Updated: Dec 19, 2021


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Tory measures designed to equalise north/south disparity will result in the entire British Isles being below sea-level according to a government think tank. Fears that Scotland and the Pennines would be left high and dry following the melting of the polar ice cap appear unfounded according to senior figures at number ten.


Water sports, fishing and extreme cave diving will be available to the masses as the Business Secretary launches a ‘raft’ of new initiatives to bring unemployment down to zero. Illegal immigration hotspots are likely to become a thing of the past as scurvy and poor nautical navigation lead to natural wastage.


The government will also be setting aside money for a new navy which will look very similar to Farrow and Ball’s ‘Falmouth Blue’.







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