Criminals propose 'just scrapping' criminal justice system

Convicted criminals across the country have strongly suggested we should 'completely scrap' the criminal justice system.

Ben, who received a five year sentence just last week, is heading up the campaign: 'Its nothing to do with the fact I've just been convicted - that's complete pure coincidence. I've been thinking for ages we should just get rid of the criminal justice system entirely. I'm definitely right because all my mates agree. Pick-pocket-Paul backs me up, and so does Half-Inch-It-Ian. Whether I committed the crime or not is neither here nor there.'

Ben's mates have said they are 'horrified' at the current system which is 'fundamentally flawed' but couldn't really explain how. They are calling for Ben's immediate release and exoneration, saying that despite the mountain of evidence that he did commit a crime, scrapping the system entirely would override that.

This has prompted a number of other campaigns, with burglars unanimously voting to scrap security cameras, cyber criminals demanding we scrap firewalls and murderers proposing we scrap forensic pathologists.

Image: sick-street-photography | Pixabay

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Kimjongunism: An ideology so new Gwyneth Paltrow hasn’t adopted it yet

It’s another of those handy Newsbiscuit guides.

Kim Jong Un

He has an ism. Not many World Leaders have an ism. That’s very special to have an ism bestowed upon oneself, even if it has been bestowed by oneself. Now Kimjongunism can be added to narcissism, feudalism, and totalitarianism.

Education

Life is a full-time education, beginning early in the morning with daily worship before an oversized photo of the Great Leader. Candles optional but they are a nice touch. Kimjongunism is the only lesson. History? There is none. Geography? There is nothingness outside North Korea. Maths? Only if you count the infinite blessings bestowed upon you. Forget them, you are the only subjects that matter. Adhere to His teachings and you won’t get detention, or, as it’s more commonly known, summary execution.

Provider

Under the generous benevolence of this great philanthropist, you will lack for nothing. A roof over your head, albeit with eaves dropping, clothes on your back, of uniform size, and food on your table. There is no grain of truth in rumours of food shortages. Just eat your shoe leather and stop belly-aching.

Prowess

Nobody can surpass the sporting achievements of The Great Leader. A winner of every sporting competition ever held in North Korea. A man who can shoot a bow fifty metres at a moving target pinned to the back of a dissident, whilst riding bareback and signing death warrants for his nearest and dearest. Also, World Keepie-Uppie Champion, and we’re not talking football, Ladies.

Deference

Bow down before the one and only Great Leader. Ignore any who have gone before claiming that title. Remove their photos, paintings and statues. Revere only one man now. Talking about my veneration. With Kim Jong Un you can taste the deference.

Image: WaltiGoehner | Pixabay

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Ref’s vanishing spray is whipped cream, claims Webb

FIFA super-ref and occasional Manchester United squad member Howard Webb has revealed the new ‘vanishing spray’ he has been issued with for this year’s World Cup to help make free kicks fairer, is indistinguishable from whipped cream, and just as tasty.

‘I’ve been sent ten cans of the stuff, and my three kids love it on donuts, while my wife and I enjoy it immensely on a cup of hot chocolate. So far with no ill effects - except that now, everyone keeps ten yards away from me,’ he quipped.

Apart from being delicious, use of the spray has attracted some controversy, after Japanese referee Yuichi Nishimura used it to draw a number of penises on the Sao Paulo pitch at various points during the Brazil-Croatia game.

Nishimura faces disciplinary action if, as some have suggested, a dreadful late sliding challenge from a Croatian defender on Neymar was influenced by him writing ‘Kick me’ on the Brazilian’s back, 15 seconds before.

Image: coloringcuties | Pixabay

Story taken from '15 Years of Typos'