The move came following the Home Speedetary’s bravura recent Commons Jackanory mashup: ‘Stella was speeding. Stella has been coached to try and look remorseful. Can you spot the Very Careful Wording Stella is parroting? Let’s repeat that together. And again, children. Oh look: Stella’s publicly-funded legal advisors are clapping!’.
Targeting the glue-eared portion of the populace as likely to believe in Tory integrity and decency as dragons and fairies, the collaboration is being seen as vital for providing a basic Pimm’s and basement extension level of income once donors drop away after January 2025-ish, while also maximising the ten years required to condition a new generation of blindly credulous X-scratchers.
Determined to capitalize on the two Christmases before then, when squeezed parents will be looking for cheaper present alternatives to coal or hope, upcoming titles already announced include. ‘Suella’s Speeding Adventure’, ‘Penny’s Speeding Adventure’, ‘Robert’s Speeding Adventure’ and ‘Tom’s Telephone Swervy Fast-Lane Fun’.
Eschewing his habitual routine of spewing patronising pseudo-archaic obfuscating froth, Boris Johnson is dumbing-up to spew patronising pseudo-nursery obfuscating froth, with titles including: ‘Five Go Wild At Chequers’, ‘The Big Fun Bus to Make Believe’ and, simply: ‘Paaaaaartaaaay!’ under the pseudonym ‘Double-Digit Daddy Don’t-Care’.
Children will be supported in spelling and sounding-out everyday words, like dither, delay, whitewash and chumocracy, with Penguin forced to ditch tricksier ones such as honest, open, kind, and law-abiding.
‘Pre-orders are.. steady,’ said an unsettlingly pastel dungaree-clad Michael Gove, currently Minister Without Portfolio, But With Haribo, Kiddies! ‘Mind you, with Boris nobly knuckling down to his responsibilities, a healthy snot-nosed audience is assured for years to come.’