Ed Sheeran is Keir Starmer’s lovechild
DNA evidence may say otherwise, but it is clear to anyone with eyes that the reason for their unpopularity is that they carry a unique apologist gene. Both possess the rare ability to appear as though they’re saying ‘sorry’ when clearly they’re not. And both can not see a PR rake without standing on it.
Ed has long career of music collaborations – which is now branching out into regime collaboration. His early demo tapes contain a faint background hum that, when slowed down, resembles Keir saying ‘free the sausages’. Ed’s trainers and Keir’s brogues share a manufacturer, evidence of a genetic fondness for sensible footwear. And mysteriously both men like the exact milk to foam ratio in their latte and the exact 50/50 on how they see genocide.
Ed once dropped a custard cream in a studio; at that precise moment, Keir felt ‘a sudden sense of loss’ and couldn’t explain why. Said one fan, ‘No one can be that unpopular by accident. Keir is the son of a toolmaker and Ed is the son of the tool.’
Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here
