Russian man imprisoned for almost smiling
Kremlin Chief of Despair, Vladimir Krasnob, has been notified that a man in Petropavlovsk nearly broke into a beam.
'Our advanced early warning lip flicker prevention system detected a microscopic upward movement in one cheek,' explained Krasnob without a hint of charm.
'This is completely unacceptable. Such matters are taken very seriously. An unnamed area the size and shape of Russia is a strict no smirking zone. Joy of any kind is forbidden, and there is a zero tolerance policy on pleasure.
'Irrefutable evidence confirms the most heinous of thought crimes has been committed. A moment of non-utter-wretchedness entered his mind. He considered that his glorious, brave, bare-chested, bear-wrestling leader who personally masterminded the instantly successful invasion of Ukraine four years ago, had graciously allowed him to exist so far East that Ukrainian drones which don't exist cannot reach him.
'For this unpatriotic breach of protocol, he will be rightly and fairly denied an unfair trial, immediately transported to a Siberian prison, and reeducated in permamisery.
'The capitalist dogs of the West reveal their mental inferiority through grinning like idiots. If they had the intelligence to realise that the wealthiest Russian oligarchs play the capitalism game far better than they ever could, it would wipe the smiles off their stupid faces.'
In other joyless news, a plastic surgeon from Moscow has been awarded the Russian Medal of Honour for miraculously bulldog clipping Putin's face back tighter than a snare drum without it ever causing a hint of a smile.
