‘I had reservations at first; I don’t know much about keeping the interest rate from dipping below inflation, but weirdly it doesn’t seem to matter. If someone asks me a question I just say ‘a fair deal for honest, hard-working Britons’ or ‘I have complete faith in Mr Osborne’ and they seem satisfied with that.’
Health and safety-flouting novelty rally driver Dick Dastardly is said to be locked in ‘despicable, underhand negotiations’ with BBC executives, for the post of chief host of flagship motoring show Top Gear, recently vacated by Jeremy Clarkson.
Spurred on by abundant rumours that the curmudgeonly Top Gear presenter deliberately struck his co-employee to contrive a more lucrative TV contract elsewhere, SKY satellite engineers have vowed to work around the clock to detach Clarkson from his currently uncomfortable position and ‘re-assign’ the little fella. However, the surgical manoeuvre is complicated by the risk of damaging the attached scrotum, or James May as he is known.