NewsBiscuit

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ArtsBiscuit

Reality TV needs to be more inclusive for Eton & Oxbridge graduates

A Social Mobility Commission study has discovered that those who really run the UK are woefully under-represented on the only thing that matters to the British public – Talent Shows. As a new season of the X Factor begins on Saturday, Simon Cowell has been forced to admit that very few senior diplomats, civil servants or ‘people like Steve Brookstein’ will be appearing on the programme.

While small elites, educated at independent schools, still dominate the business and political world, they are being excluded from trying to pronounce Cheryl Cole’s new surname. A Child Poverty spokeswoman said: ‘An infant born to millionaire parents, regardless of ability, can expect to run a major corporation or political party but they will never get the chance to meet Ant & Dec. This is wrong. It’s just wrong. Social mobility should be for everyone, not just the Shanes and Chers of the world.’

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Cameron calls for calm in the worsening Bake Off conflict

Tart!The UN is calling for air-strikes to intervene after Diana Beard, a 69 year-old WI activist from Shropshire, was filmed taking a bearded combatant’s ice-cream out of the freezer during the Great British Bake Off.

‘It was only for 40 seconds or so,’ she protested to UN observers. Billionaire Peace Envoy Tony Blair tweeted from the safety of his villa in Tuscany, ’45 seconds is all it takes. We cannot stand idly by. #ToldYouSo #MyPlaceInHistory.’

President Obama, in an unusually hawkish mood issued a statement stating that ‘Atrocities against baked Alaska are just unacceptable’. More swiftly than usual he decisively did nothing. A congressman summed up a grim situation: ‘Great Britain is a small country with most of its inhabitants forced into a narrow strip of land to the south facing the sea. The people have literally no-where to go, it is a siege.’

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Vulgaria shocked at Child Catcher abuse allegations

why didn't anyone work it out sooner?Since the sudden death last week of Vulgaria’s much revered celebrity, The Child Catcher (real name Charles Catcher OVE), national mourning has turned to disbelief as newspapers have been inundated with revelations of serial child cruelty, sadism and even abduction.

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Raid at Sir Cliff Richard’s house found ‘disturbing calendar images’

Over fifty prospective images for a planned 2015 calendar were discovered on hard-drives and mobile phone devices during the dawn bust, some of which have already been classed as ‘Category A’ and ‘totally gross’.

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Rock world mourns the passing of Colin, the 5th Ramone

News has emerged that Colin, the little known 5th Ramone has died at his Chiswick home, aged 63.

Colin, who was at the time a moderately successful draughtsman for a small architects’ firm in Brentwood, joined the band in 1975 after meeting them at the infamous punk venue The Flob and Strangle.

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