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BBC to reintroduce homeless Stig into the wild

some say, it's all gone to cockFollowing the sacking of Jeremy Clarkson and the abrupt ending of Top Gear, the BBC have pledged they will help resident test driver The Stig and ensure he can rejoin the general public.

“Some say he is every sign of the Zodiac, some say he appeared on the short lived £100 note but what we’re all saying at the moment is that we need to help this man get re-assimilated into regular society,” said a BBC spokeswoman.

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Zayn quits 1D in protest over Clarkson

some say that's what makes them beautiful, but not manyPre-pubescent girls around the globe were left reeling from the double disappointment of their two favourite pin-ups leaving to pursue solo projects this week. Zayn and Clarkson have been long time admirers of one another, both wearing ‘mom jeans’ while singing ballads; but neither felt like continuing without the other to inspire him to smoke a joint or punch a work colleague.

Zayn Malik’s publicist released a tersely-worded statement: ‘With Top Gear losing Clarkson, Zayn felt that it was time to call it a day. You can’t be expected to sing five part harmonies about love, if the one you love is no more.’ Likewise Clarkson admitted to close friends that he could never feel the throbbing urgency of a V8 engine without thinking about ‘Zayn’s tushie’.

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First penis transplant: Clarkson moves to SKY

just dicking aboutSpurred on by abundant rumours that the curmudgeonly Top Gear presenter deliberately struck his co-employee to contrive a more lucrative TV contract elsewhere, SKY satellite engineers have vowed to work around the clock to detach Clarkson from his currently uncomfortable position and ‘re-assign’ the little fella. However, the surgical manoeuvre is complicated by the risk of damaging the attached scrotum, or James May as he is known.

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Voldemort was a ‘beautiful man radicalised by wizard baby’, claims group

bit of a kitten reallyLord Voldemort, now revealed to be former Hogwarts student Tom Riddle, was today described by an advocacy group as a ‘beautiful man’, whose violent actions can be traced back to a ‘long campaign of harassment by the same schoolboy’.

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Harvard study confirms ‘Blowin’ in the wind’ is totally ineffective

D'uh, idiot wind!A Harvard University study has challenged the mythical status of Bob Dylan by questioning the singer-songwriter’s key assertion that there are many situations in life where ‘the answer is blowin in the wind’. This claim had never been formally tested, but the theory may be finally laid to rest.

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