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Mr C banned from Billingsgate market for excessive ‘salmon’ requests

e's, obviouslyMr C, enigmatic frontman of early ’90s rave outfit The Shaman, has been handed a lifetime ban from Billingsgate fish market, lawyers representing the vendors’ association said today. The association lodged a formal complaint against the artist, real name Colin Angus, accusing him of habitually enquiring as to whether or not vendors stocked a certain product. He would then say ‘sorted’ and walk off without buying anything.

‘At first we all had a laugh about it,’ said one vendor. ‘He’d walk up to Archie in stall 48 and ask about salmon, then he’d hop over to Eddie on 37 and ask him the same thing. He’d just be walking from stall to stall all morning and we would just rip the piss out of him shouting ‘laaaaavely’ and ‘a ha ha ha haaaa’ and stuff like that, but after a few months it turned nasty. He’d walk up to old biddies after trading and start turning out their trolleys looking for salmon.’

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Derbyshire destroyed as romantic hero smoulders that little bit too much

'George Clooney, and now this!' bemoan spinstersAccording to unofficial reports, most of Derbyshire was destroyed by fire yesterday following an incident in the grounds of Pemberley House, near Lambton. It appears that the owner, Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy, a handsome gentleman with a fortune of £9,000 per year began to brood out of control when taking a turn in the gardens with Miss Elizabeth Bennett, the demure yet witty daughter of an impoverished local parson.

‘With hindsight, Mr Darcy was an accident waiting to happen,’ said Commander Ray Walker of the Peak District Fire Brigade. ‘Such was the ardour of his unspoken passion that his breeches had spontaneously combusted several times before. Apparently this once forced him to dive into a lake in the grounds. Several young ladies who witnessed him climb out were later found reduced to ashes and damp petticoats.’

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‘The only way is Essex’ confirms Farage

This could be their finest hour‘The people have spoken, and we have heard their voices loud and clear,’ said Nigel Farage on the phone after the stunning UKIP victory by Douglas Carswell in the by-election in Clacton on Sea, Essex, before saying; ‘Yeah, see you later, babe’, hanging up his mobile, downing a couple more pints for courage and planning his next trip to try it on with another easily obtainable bimbo, anywhere else.

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New ‘Dad’s Army’ cast ill-prepared for Ebola storyline

fans were wondering who'd spot that firstScriptwriter Hamish McColl has been told that he needs to ‘reboot’ his big-screen remake of the 70’s sitcom, in a way that reflects the perils of modern warfare.

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Saying ‘Cheryl Cole’ three times will kill you, confirms security firm

Our Cheryl amourCheryl José de la Concordia García Márquez Ann Fernandez-Versini, or ‘Coley’ for short, has been identified as the UK’s ‘most dangerous online celebrity’.

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