NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

ArtsBiscuit

State of emergency declared after the e-Bono virus hits Britain

An urgent public health warning has today been issued after a dangerous virus that was supposed to be someone else’s problem arrived on Great Britain’s shores last night, having entered the country via a consignment of infected Apple devices. The virus is said to have already reached epidemic status.

The BBC have reacted by broadcasting public service messages giving information on how to delete the ‘e-Bono virus’ from infected phones and iPods, though nothing can be done about alleviating the early-onset symptoms, which include ear infections, drowsiness, and ‘ranting about Bono’s wrap-around specs’.

Read more >



Forgotten Channel 4 Big Brother contestants finally released from captivity

no-one ever bothered to ask; 'where are they now?'Nine Big Brother contestants received an official apology from Channel 4 today, after being accidentally left in the Big Brother House since its last showing on the channel four years ago. Two stunned producers discovered the group, who had formed a primitive society around their Big Brother ‘God’, when returning to the show’s previous location in Borehamwood.

‘We assumed that we had angered Big Brother in some way and were consequently a part of a never-ending task that the whole world was watching’, said one contestant Emma Davis, nervously cradling her two-year-old son who was born in the jacuzzi in the garden. ‘We jokingly asked BB for booze and party food for the first few months but nothing appeared, so we began pleading and praying, hoping something would turn up.

Read more >



Tinky Winky to join Eastenders cast in desperate bid to boost ratings

Dipsy, La-la and Po-Face already in the regular castThe BBC has revealed that former Teletubbies favourite Tinky Winky is to join the cast of flagship soap opera Eastenders later this year.

Critics have been calling for the Beeb to take action following a long term slump in viewing figures. ‘I’m sure it’s no coincidence that Mr Winky is a former CBeebies stalwart,’ suggested The Guardian’s TV critic Andrew Collins. ‘Many younger viewers will have fond memories of him in classic Teletubbies episodes such as the one where they all roll down a hill and the one when they find a bouncy ball.’

Read more >



Public warned not to download naked photos of Steven Seagal

it'll ruin your dayFear has gripped online users who may have, in a furtive attempt to view intimate erotica of Jennifer Lawrence ‘before their family comes home’, inadvertently downloaded explicit images of Hollywood’s favourite martial arts veteran, ironic Buddhist and poster-boy for Cuprinol®. Although a sprightly 62, most teenage boys or frustrated husbands would admit that Mr. Segal’s squinty-eyed leer is not quite the same as a gyrating Kim Kardashian.

Read more >



Will Self claims he could have written Kate Bush’s songs – ‘only better’‏

Having already dismissed George Orwell’s contributions to twentieth century literature, as ‘mediocre’, Mr. Self has humbly explained why other artistic icons are not worthy to be considered a genius. To this end, the 6′ 5″ Playboy journalist has announced his plans to tour with an album of his own compositions and prove that he is ‘…the greatest female singer-songwriter of his generation’.

Read more >