NewsBiscuit

In light of the BBC’s controversial decision to drop BBC Three from its schedules, the more conservative BBC Four have announced plans to capitalise on the decision by adopting a ‘fresher and cooler approach’ to its current offerings. The corporation’s flagship youth channel, which has introduced the world to memorable hits such as, ‘Gavin & Stacey’, ‘Little Britain’ and ‘Young, Dumb and Living Off Mum’, has an audience share of 1.5%, meaning some nine-million regular weekly viewers will soon be heading for a new channel to satisfy their entertainment needs.

‘We want a piece of that pie’, said BBC Four producer, Stephen Franklin. ‘Our current license requires us to broadcast at least 110-hours of new arts and factual programmes, so now that there’s millions of youngsters floating about with nothing to watch, we’ll just adapt our current offerings to suit a younger audience, you get me?’

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Theatre critics are in uproar today after it emerged that an American rapper has been credited with co-authoring Shakespeare’s plays.

‘It’s an art form, what I do’, he told reporters. ‘For years I’ve been talking over other people’s songs, and getting half the royalties. One day my manager asked me if I could hum. I was like, ‘yeah, man, who can’t hum?’ And then he got me humming over the top of Shakespeare’s, like, plays. Now they’re half mine – I’m part of the creative team, cos of what I done. Awesome’.

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Streets around the Shard skyscraper in the City of London have been cordoned off after reports of a 32 year old office worker standing on the 48th floor window ledge threatening to jump unless every single one of his 290 Facebook friends promises to stop sending unsolicited invitations to play Candy Crush Saga.

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Channel 4 has announced its Spring schedule today, confirming that viewers will be treated to a unique documentary that explores the struggle to gain wider acceptance between those afflicted with Serious Political Influence (SPI), and ‘regular people’.

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Radio 4 bosses have been summoned to the Foreign Office to answer questions following accusations of ‘rampant’ and ‘illegal’ colonisation of desert islands. Pacific island leaders have delivered a joint complaint to Foreign Secretary, William Hague in an attempt to halt the migration of potty professors, faded celebrities and unknown academics to hundreds of uninhabited islands in Micronesia and other areas of the Pacific.

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