Prince George is excited to be going to school at Eton, because his nanny has read all the books to him. He is particularly looking forward to travelling there by steam train from a secret royal platform at Waterloo. And he hopes to study Defence Against The Dark Arts, otherwise known as Media Studies. But he is disappointed that the sorting hat has not put him in Gryffindor House. He is puzzled to have been put in Boris House, which seems to be a watered down version of Slyt

It must be approaching the silly season or newspapers are fed up with printing BoJo stories. In any event yet another ‘unknown’ dinosaur species has allegedly been discovered in the Solent archipelago. A leading dinosaur expert was approached for comment:- 'To be honest I am getting a bit pissed off with what appears to be a non-stop stream of new discoveries in what to be honest is a piddly little island that people only visit when accidently getting on the wrong boat at Por

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Authorities in the quiet town of Stokely-on-the-Wey have not seen any signs of the members of a traveling mime group since their mysterious disappearance Saturday evening. Eyewitnesses’ accounts of what transpired have only served to muddle the investigation. One observer commented, 'I didn’t think they were very good to begin with. I couldn’t figure out what they were going on about.' No one in the audience seemed to know whether the troupe had finished their show or were st

In a bold move today, Keir Starmer will announce age checks on social media to protect older voters from radicalisation. ‘Social media is a hellhole’, a spokesman told us. ‘Flags, memes, outright lies – old people aren’t properly prepared. They tend to believe any rubbish if it’s in print. Twitter is like the Daily Mail on steroids’. Over 60s will need permission from their children or two medical professionals to own a smartphone. The Government will issue Nokia 8850s from o

With the government hell-bent on stopping under sixteen year old children accessing the internet, children are pointing out they use their apps to monitor their friends have returned home safely. 'Apparently I'll need to use my minutes or text allowance to check if Billy got home ok,' said Jimmy, aged eight, 'and I need that to ensure I can call my mum if I'm stuck. So I'm going to use something I found on the internet - apparently people used to dial friends and hang up afte

The fashion world has been rocked to its core by revelations that clothing exists to keep us warm and cover our nakedness. ‘No, you’ve got that wrong’ said Stella (23), never been gainfully employed yet somehow expensively dressed. ‘Life is fashion. Fashion is life. What could be clearer?’ NewsBiscuit spoke to several fashionably dressed people in central London. They were all bloody annoying. All agreed that fashion is an art form, on a par with poetry or music. Or that othe

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The ghost of author John Mortimer, best known for his Rumpole of the Bailey novels, is to sue Reform from beyond the grave over their selection of Robert ‘Rob’ Kenyon in Makerfield. ‘Woo, woo’, said Mortimer’s ghost, ‘It’s a straight rip-off of ‘Rumpole and the Bubble Reputation’, woo’. (Sir John Mortimer has been a ghost since 2009, you’d have thought he’d be better at haunting, but there you go). NewsBiscuit has read Rumpole and the Bubble Reputation and we can confirm simi

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Prime Minister (at the time of writing) Keir Starmer has hit back at critics who say the ban on under 16s using social media is unworkable. Stating that critics have no idea how easy it is for government to monitor online activity of citizens, he laid out the punishments being considered for children who break the new law. First offenders will be fined two packets of Panini stickers and a vape, with repeat offenders having their houses raided, all computers and phones confisc

"I give this pledge to the Labour Party and the electorate about what I am resolved to do," said Prime Ministerial hopeful and T-shirt model Andy Burnham. "I will be fearless in saying everything in my power to become leader and make Britain happy. "I will state, forthrightly and in no uncertain terms, that it's time to defy Labour's bleeding heart, left-wing backbenchers, slash welfare spending and boost Britain's defences. "I will also be utterly resolute in saying that we