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X-Factor panel to be replaced by actual judges

'You didn't own that song. Give it back.'In an effort to combat accusations of bias amongst the celebrity judging panel in the forthcoming high-profile final of the X-Factor, the current panel will be replaced by a more traditional panel of judges.

Taking the place of Louis Walsh will be Lord Chief Justice “Clockwork Duck” Thomas, a QC since 1984 and appointed a high court judge in 1996. Lord Thomas commented ‘It is an honour to be asked to preside over this presigious event, and I have treated to myself to a new gavel which I will use to stop any disruption. I may find the summing-up difficult as I am not a great singer, and may have to mime, but the audience, or as we call it, jury, will get the idea.’

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Turner Prize to be ‘artist-free’

a worthy winner next year: the most important work since 'Dunk' from 1983From next year, works which come with an artist’s name attached will be disqualified from the prestigious contemporary art prize’s selection process. Instead, judges will concentrate on works that have not been made by artists.

‘The very idea of artists has now been totally discredited by new and exciting works like ‘James Milner’s Shin Pads’,’ explained chief Judge Mike Smythe. ‘These exist free of the bourgeois taint of personality cult. No formal ‘artist’ has been involved, strictly speaking.’

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Scotland to be allowed to choose their own plot directions in EastEnders

'it ain't wurf it'In yet another concession towards Scottish nationalists, Westminster has announced that from Summer 2015 Holyrood will be able to take control of plot and character development in the version of EastEnders broadcast in Scotland.

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‘Grand Designs’ house constructed entirely out of forgotten Christmas puddings

owners 'couldn't build another thing'In one of the most ambitious self-building projects to date ‘Grand Designs’ presenter Kevin McCloud has revealed the first house to be constructed entirely out of forgotten Christmas puddings.

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Thousands turn out in Birmingham to see Noam Chomsky switch on Christmas lights

That's what makes him beautiful...Thousands of revellers have turned out in Birmingham city centre to celebrate the switching on of the Christmas lights by anarcho-syndicalist activist Noam Chomsky.

Chomsky, who wooed crowds at a similar event in London earlier this month, delivered a speech on revolutionary industrial unionism to rapturous acclaim before flicking the switch to herald the start of the city’s festive celebrations.

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