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ArtsBiscuit

Giant James May terrorises Kent after being given ‘wrong kind of growth hormones’

Oh, cock!Kent woke today to scenes of carnage after a giant James May roamed the countryside overnight, leaving a trail of destruction in his wake.

Scientists at the Kent Institute of Pharmacology admitted that May, 47, had agreed to take part in a trial of an experimental new drug aimed at getting middle-aged men to ‘just grow up’. Unfortunately the drug had the undesired effect of making him grow to five storeys tall, from which height it is believed that May’s instinct ‘to treat everything like a giant train set’ kicked in.

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BBC launch ‘tough’ new St John Ambulance drama

st john's ambulanceBBC bosses shocked their rivals today by announcing a new TV drama based on the extraordinary working and private lives of St John Ambulance volunteers. The drama named ‘Do you want a glass of water?’ is based on the hectic activities of the volunteers as they attempt to help the public cope with minor injuries and ailments.

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Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins fight for custody of liberal conscience

Susan Sarandon Tim RobbinsLawyers for the recently separated celebrity activists Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins have reached a provisional agreement dividing up their worth causes. Susan gets custody of the gay, lesbian and transgender issues while Tim gets to keep anti-racism, Nicaragua and AIDS. Shared custody has now been agreed over opposition to the death penalty with both parties getting access to death row inmates on alternate weekends.

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Alan Bennett doll was top-selling toy of 2009

Now with 'Eagle Eyes'The Toy Retailers Association has unveiled its list of the top five toys that are dominated Christmas lists this year. Toymakers largely played safe with a mixture of national treasures and action toys but gave them a technological or modern twist. Perhaps in reaction to the banking crisis, nostalgia was the biggest factor this year, with the number one toy being a ‘talking’ version of playwright Alan Bennett. The 75-year old is said to be surprised and slightly embarrassed at finding himself occupying the top spot.

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Children’s TV presenter finding the job ‘demeaning’

'A performance? Well, yes. But is it valid?'Brian Griffiths, a 32 year old children’s TV presenter, has claimed that his role is insufficiently challenging, and that TV bosses are failing to properly utilise his talents.

‘Honestly, a two-year old could do this stuff,’ he reveals in a soul-baring interview with the Radio Times. ‘I did two seasons at the Leicester Playhouse, and two at the National. People still stop me in the street to comment on my ‘Little Dorrit’, and yet look at me now, leaping up and down alongside some crazy-haired bimbo in yellow dungarees; singing a song about how kangaroos can bounce up and down. Really? They can? No shit!’

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