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Cameron urged not to push red button ‘before bake off final’

Presidents Obama and Putin have both phoned David Cameron pleading with him to show restraint during a period of worsening international relations and ‘bugger-all’ to watch on TV. However a spokesman for the Prime Minister was in bullish mood, threatening: ‘To wipe Paul Hollywoods’ smug smile off the face of the planet, with two tonnes of weapon grade plutonium and re-runs of Dad’s Army.’

Not wishing to be seen as a weak with regards threats to national security and BBC programming, Mr. Cameron is fully prepared to use Trident at the merest hint of a Mel & Sue double entendre.

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Stars mourn actor who made ‘policeman lifting crime scene tape’ role his own

Stars of film and television have been paying tribute to actor Roy Beck who has died at the age of 72. Throughout a glittering career which spanned nearly five decades Beck starred in over forty films and numerous television series, always playing the role of the police officer who lifts the crime scene tape to allow access to the investigating detective.

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World leaders beg Kate Bush to make it all OK for a little while

Millions of people across the world have signed an online petition asking Kate Bush to release some new material and help restore their faith in humanity. As signatures on the petition reached an astonishing 5 million people UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon added his voice to those calling for the reclusive singer-songwriter to help ease the world’s pain, if only for a short while.

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Chilcot appearance on Just A Minute “longer than 45 minutes”

Sir John Chilcot’s debut appearance on Radio 4 panel show Just a Minute has received a critical mauling, after he hesitated more than any other player in the programme’s history and caused Monday evening’s edition to last fourteen hours instead of the usual thirty minutes.

The former civil servant and independent inquiry chair appeared on the panel alongside series regulars Paul Merton, Sue Perkins and former foreign secretary Jack Straw. As usual, Chilcot was asked to speak for sixty seconds without repetition, deviation or hesitation, but after an initial burst of energy (on the topic ‘the terms of this inquiry’) he rapidly dried up and dragged the proceedings out far longer than anybody else could ever have anticipated.

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Benedict Cumberbatch ‘magnificent’ as Bloke in Tesco

Benedict Cumberbatch has blown away the critics after a ‘magnificent, power-house performance’ at the Brent Cross Hendon Way Tesco Superstore in Cricklewood.

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