NewsBiscuit

‘I for one can’t wait to be joining John Cleese’s offshore bank account once again,’ said a cheque for an estimated £1.72 million pounds, at a city press conference held by the celebrity money to be paid to the Pythons for their reunion show. ‘Frankly, I don’t expect to be there long though. Something tells me I’ll find myself in an ex wife’s cosmetic surgeon’s account pretty soon!’

The five very large sums of money told financial journalists that they were all ‘thrilled’ to be working with the Pythons again. ‘The parrot sketch alone was a fantastic financial instrument,’ said an undisclosed sum.

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Afghan president Hamid Karzai has called a Loya Jirga, or grand assembly, to decide, once and for all, who to vote for on the popular BBC show Strictly Come Dancing.

‘This is a question that is tearing our fragile democracy apart,’ he said in his opening address to more than 2,000 Afghan elders. ‘Issues of sovereignty and legal immunity with the Americans, while of vital importance to our nation, cannot even begin to be considered while we are divided on whether Ben Cohen or Abbey Clancy should raise that glitter ball trophy.’

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The meaning behind a pre-Christmas perfume advertisement has been successfully decoded for the first time in television history, it has been revealed.

An expert team of academics, working with some of Britain’s top code breakers and cryptanalysts, spent the last seven years studying and dissecting a pre-production commercial for this season’s must-have scent: ‘Labrynthé’ by Dior.

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The playful spat between veteran broadcasters David Dimbleby and Jeremy Paxman has been blown apart after fellow political pundit John Humphrys appeared on live radio sporting a full array of metallic genital piercings.

‘It was like a piece of installation art,’ revealed a member of the Today programme production team, ‘special guest Rupert Grint didn’t know where to put himself – mind you, neither did John after all that.’

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Thousands of men who live with their parents have criticised the latest instalment of the hugely successful Call of Duty franchise today, claiming the game ‘lacks the reality of real, hardcore modern combat’.

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