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Gregg Wallace fixed grin device cures depression, provokes violence

‘Why the long face?’ is a question that may soon be relegated to the past thanks to the release of the incredible Gregg Wallace fixed-grin device. Fitting neatly and invisibly into the corners of the mouth ‘The Wallace’ claims to turn all frowns upside down in a nano-second. Anger management specialists and medical practitioners are hailing the device as an amazing alternative to anti-depressants and expensive courses of therapy.

‘Valium, librium and mogadon once seemed to provide the perfect answer to stress,’ said Dr Hilda Radcliffe from her Harley Street clinic, ‘but The Wallace comes without any of the typical side-affects, such as altering the chemistry of the brain and turning people into vegetables. However, it is not without its problems and patients do need to take care where and when they wear it.’

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Multiple Archers characters to die to stop BBC listeners downloading podcasts

The BBC has announced that an unpredictable outbreak of murder, suicide, accidental death, lethal machinery malfunction, alien abduction and Ebola will hit Ambridge, leading to a veritable genocide of characters from The Archers. This, the corporation added, is the result of an initiative to keep listeners tuning in to the familiar speech service, rather than turning to commercially-backed podcasts. At least one Ambridge resident a week will be dying in order to protect listening figures and safeguard jobs at BBC Birmingham.

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Art world admits: ‘We just like tits’

Fetching $170.4 million at auction, Modigliani’s ‘Reclining Nude’ has proven to be one of history’s most expensive pieces of pornography. Gratifyingly for those embarrassed by their lusts, millionaire art collectors are just as susceptible to the delights of a huge rack as the riff-raff taking a gander at Page Three.

One art critic explained: ‘It’s important to note that even the cultural elite love the sight of a cracking pair of jugs. Who can forget David Hockney’s ‘The Big Tit’ or his follow-up ‘The Even Bigger Tit’? And I don’t need to remind you about Pablo Picasso’s ‘The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies’.’

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007′s car rendered useless by spilt milk

In a pivotal scene, during the twenty-forth ‘James Bond’ film, movie-goers will be treated to a high octane action sequence involving sour smelling diary product. Britain’s most inebriated spy, after Guy Burges, is seen spilling a small cartoon of full-cream milk on his car upholstery, after inadvertently plugging his USB charger into the ejector seat.

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Vanilla Ice ‘regrets’ problem solving pledge

‘At first I thought it was a joke when a little girl wanted me to find her cat. I told her to scram, but then she came back with a lawyer. It’s been non-stop ever since’. Ice’s DJ has also struggled under the workload, having to revolve his hook (the stately bass riff from Queen and David Bowie’s ‘Under Pressure’) whilst Ice solves the problems. ‘It wasn’t even a very good line’, Ice quipped, though his smile didn’t extend to his eyes.

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