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New for Christmas 2013: Sky+ remote now lets you pause and rewind live arguments

rewind, pause, go over it again, and again and againHurried onto the market for the important Christmas period, Sky TV have announced a new upgrade of their Sky+ remote control.

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Leicestershire prison to find Sam Bailey replacement, X-Factor-style

has served her timeIn their pursuit to fill the vacancy left by Sunday’s X-Factor winner, Sam Bailey, HMP Gartree in Leicestershire has announced plans to scrap its traditional hiring policies and instead host the UK’s first ever ‘Screw Factor’.

Bosses at the Category B men’s prison have said they were inspired to adopt the more modern and glitzy approach after watching their former employee hit the big time on ITV.

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Iain Duncan Smith to host primetime TV immigration quiz show

Fair, transparent and completely on scheduleIn an initiative to make its strict new rules for immigrants to the UK more palatable to the British public, the Department for Work and Pensions are to introduce a TV quiz show into the popular teatime slot.

‘Dole Or No Dole’ will be compered by DWP Secretary Iain Duncan Smith as inquisitor ‘The Quiet Man’, and features 100 immigrant applicants being whittled down to one successful candidate every episode.

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Large sums of money hold press conference to express ‘joy’ at Python reunion

silly walkers‘I for one can’t wait to be joining John Cleese’s offshore bank account once again,’ said a cheque for an estimated £1.72 million pounds, at a city press conference held by the celebrity money to be paid to the Pythons for their reunion show. ‘Frankly, I don’t expect to be there long though. Something tells me I’ll find myself in an ex wife’s cosmetic surgeon’s account pretty soon!’

The five very large sums of money told financial journalists that they were all ‘thrilled’ to be working with the Pythons again. ‘The parrot sketch alone was a fantastic financial instrument,’ said an undisclosed sum.

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Afghan Jirga undecided on Strictly

smart money's on Ellis-Bexter, but is it too soon to give up on Susanna Reid?Afghan president Hamid Karzai has called a Loya Jirga, or grand assembly, to decide, once and for all, who to vote for on the popular BBC show Strictly Come Dancing.

‘This is a question that is tearing our fragile democracy apart,’ he said in his opening address to more than 2,000 Afghan elders. ‘Issues of sovereignty and legal immunity with the Americans, while of vital importance to our nation, cannot even begin to be considered while we are divided on whether Ben Cohen or Abbey Clancy should raise that glitter ball trophy.’

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