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Saying ‘Cheryl Cole’ three times will kill you, confirms security firm

Our Cheryl amourCheryl José de la Concordia García Márquez Ann Fernandez-Versini, or ‘Coley’ for short, has been identified as the UK’s ‘most dangerous online celebrity’.

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BBC to mix’n’match old stories with new

updated, on the hour, every three yearsFollowing the success of its website, which takes visitors to old news items as if they were recent events, the BBC has decided to randomise all news coverage, with old events appearing alongside new.

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Radiohead announce surprise release of new album ‘three weeks ago’

Will somebody, please, pull them out of the air crashHot on the heels of surprise new albums from U2 and Beyonce, the music world has again been rocked by news that Radiohead had released their tenth album online three weeks ago. Postmortemism came out to coincide with the thirteenth anniversary of 9/11 and was deleted the following day, before anyone could become aware of its existence.

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State of emergency declared after the e-Bono virus hits Britain

An urgent public health warning has today been issued after a dangerous virus that was supposed to be someone else’s problem arrived on Great Britain’s shores last night, having entered the country via a consignment of infected Apple devices. The virus is said to have already reached epidemic status.

The BBC have reacted by broadcasting public service messages giving information on how to delete the ‘e-Bono virus’ from infected phones and iPods, though nothing can be done about alleviating the early-onset symptoms, which include ear infections, drowsiness, and ‘ranting about Bono’s wrap-around specs’.

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Forgotten Channel 4 Big Brother contestants finally released from captivity

no-one ever bothered to ask; 'where are they now?'Nine Big Brother contestants received an official apology from Channel 4 today, after being accidentally left in the Big Brother House since its last showing on the channel four years ago. Two stunned producers discovered the group, who had formed a primitive society around their Big Brother ‘God’, when returning to the show’s previous location in Borehamwood.

‘We assumed that we had angered Big Brother in some way and were consequently a part of a never-ending task that the whole world was watching’, said one contestant Emma Davis, nervously cradling her two-year-old son who was born in the jacuzzi in the garden. ‘We jokingly asked BB for booze and party food for the first few months but nothing appeared, so we began pleading and praying, hoping something would turn up.

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