Spurred on by abundant rumours that the curmudgeonly Top Gear presenter deliberately struck his co-employee to contrive a more lucrative TV contract elsewhere, SKY satellite engineers have vowed to work around the clock to detach Clarkson from his currently uncomfortable position and ‘re-assign’ the little fella. However, the surgical manoeuvre is complicated by the risk of damaging the attached scrotum, or James May as he is known.
Lord Voldemort, now revealed to be former Hogwarts student Tom Riddle, was today described by an advocacy group as a ‘beautiful man’, whose violent actions can be traced back to a ‘long campaign of harassment by the same schoolboy’.
A Harvard University study has challenged the mythical status of Bob Dylan by questioning the singer-songwriter’s key assertion that there are many situations in life where ‘the answer is blowin in the wind’. This claim had never been formally tested, but the theory may be finally laid to rest.
In a day of frantic bidding, Sky has won exclusive rights to Operation Yewtree raids, wresting control from the BBC. The move has won especial approval from the South Yorkshire Police Commissioner, who stated that his officers ‘were looking forward to working closely with Sky.’
In a separate statement officers from Operation Yewtree praised the BBC for its ‘unstinting professionalism’ and insisted that most Yewtree officers would ‘probably continue to purchase a TV Licence.’