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Dick Dastardly in ‘despicable negotiations’ to present Top Gear

Twat, and Double Twat!Health and safety-flouting novelty rally driver Dick Dastardly is said to be locked in ‘despicable, underhand negotiations’ with BBC executives, for the post of chief host of flagship motoring show Top Gear, recently vacated by Jeremy Clarkson.

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BBC to reintroduce homeless Stig into the wild

some say, it's all gone to cockFollowing the sacking of Jeremy Clarkson and the abrupt ending of Top Gear, the BBC have pledged they will help resident test driver The Stig and ensure he can rejoin the general public.

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Zayn quits 1D in protest over Clarkson

some say that's what makes them beautiful, but not manyPre-pubescent girls around the globe were left reeling from the double disappointment of their two favourite pin-ups leaving to pursue solo projects this week.

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First penis transplant: Clarkson moves to SKY

just dicking aboutSpurred on by abundant rumours that the curmudgeonly Top Gear presenter deliberately struck his co-employee to contrive a more lucrative TV contract elsewhere, SKY satellite engineers have vowed to work around the clock to detach Clarkson from his currently uncomfortable position and ‘re-assign’ the little fella. However, the surgical manoeuvre is complicated by the risk of damaging the attached scrotum, or James May as he is known.

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Voldemort was a ‘beautiful man radicalised by wizard baby’, claims group

bit of a kitten reallyLord Voldemort, now revealed to be former Hogwarts student Tom Riddle, was today described by an advocacy group as a ‘beautiful man’, whose violent actions can be traced back to a ‘long campaign of harassment by the same schoolboy’.

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