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Official singles chart to count high-pitched screaming‏

value of screaming finally recognised in the the music industryFor the first time ever, alongside streaming services, teenagers emitting ultrasonic squeals of delight will be used in calculating album and singles sales. Pant-wetting, fainting and ‘excitement-induced fainting’ will also form part of a complicated algorithm designed to measure contemporary trends. No longer will music journalists have to consult with dogs as to which high-pitched noise belongs to Beliebers, Directioners or ‘a guy shepherding sheep’.

While tinnitus remains the industry-standard format with which to experience the Top 40, many see the acceptance of screams as an important step in acknowledging the popularity of more obscure tunes.

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Man who sent back free The Sun football supplement ‘will probably keep Sky TV’

Never, in the field of human contact, has so much paper been wasted on so many, by so few.Political activist Andy Hutchinson feels he has emphatically demonstrated his opposition to the Rupert Murdoch empire and, in particular, The Sun newspaper, by returning the free World Cup football supplement posted through every British letterbox (except Liverpool) to the well publicised freepost address used by the publication.

Hutchinson admitted, however, that his opposition to the Murdoch empire does not extend to other products such as his Sky TV and broadband package which, unlike the Sun, he admits to finding entertaining, informative, progressive, innovative and also quite reasonably good value for money.

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1D-Day celebrations commemorate the death of music

if it wasn't for our brave boys, they'd be called 'Eine Richtung'Veterans, historians and girls with retainers are united today in marking 1D-Day a day of remembrance for ‘our boys’ struggle to overcome lacklustre hair, no musical ability and the Nazi occupation of France. Former groupies, internet trolls and serving members of the armed forces all paid their respect for the loss of melodies, the death of legible tattoos and remembered just how many ears had paid the ultimate sacrifice.

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BBC asks Google to ‘forget the 1970s’

Bosses at the BBC have instructed the tech team at Google to ‘completely forget everything that happened in the 1970s’, after the Internet search giant launched a service to allow Europeans to ask for information and personal data to be removed from online search results.

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‘Godzilla vs Romanian’ movie in the pipeline

With a resurgence in fears of both Godzilla and Romanians, British filmmakers have discussed another possible reboot of the Godzilla movie franchise by pitting the Japanese monster against a Romanian immigrant.

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