NewsBiscuit

Financial institutions have revealed that they are extending the range of personal questions required to confirm customers’ identity. A number of banks and building societies are asking for further private details such as ‘favourite sexual position’, ‘top rated porn site’ and ‘most experimental erotic experience’.

‘Everyone already has had to suffer the mild humiliation of revealing their embarrassing middle names and date of birth to everybody within earshot while phoning their bank from work,’ said a representative from the Financial Services Association. ‘But increased identity fraud means we now need personal details that friends wouldn’t usually reveal to friends or work colleagues.’

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Global coffee chain Starbucks today unveiled its answer to the increasing pace of life by introducing ‘hands-free’ technology to the world of takeaway coffee. New designer headwear, based on the novelty hats which allow sports fans to drink beer without having to relinquish a grip on their crisps or TV remote control, will allow customers to get their essential caffeine shots while sending ‘value-adding’ emails from their Blackberry, closing win-win deals on their mobile or rushing to a critical meeting which started five minutes ago.

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The Government and the male grooming industry have today agreed in principle to take whatever action is necessary to end the dangerous escalation in the razor blades race. Recent years have seen manufacturers of men’s shaving goods increasing the capability of their razors from 2 or 3 blades up to as many as 6 or 7, and there are now real fears that if it doesn’t stop soon, someone is going to get hurt.

‘It’s not right that men are simply allowed to carry these things around,’ said Business Secretary Peter Mandelson, the newly-moustachioed face of the Government’s ‘Stop the Shave Trade’ campaign.

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Not long after its much trumpeted introduction, the A* has today been officially downrated to equivalence to the old A, or roughly the level of the traditional pass mark. A decision regarding the addition of further stars has been deferred, pending examination of new evidence from the hotel sector which suggests that foreign stars are not worth the same as they are at home. A new AAA rating is being considered as an alternative, although in grey market trading this has already been given junk status. Junk itself is improving, having picked up from its recent historical low.

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An Islington company that hires out fools for social occasions is thriving despite the recession, according to the company’s PR spokesman. ‘Fool Hire Ltd supplies clients with a stupid person to attend their gatherings as a working guest,’ explained Magnus Catchpole. ‘The client can choose from a simple idiot to top-of-the range loudmouth cretin and we charge by the hour with weekends rather more expensive.’

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