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Publisher launches magazine for Terms and Conditions industry

Fans of misleading offers, dishonest advertising and devious contracts filled the Albert Hall yesterday, as Zeitgeist Publishing launched its latest modern lifestyle magazine T&C.

The launch, which some were disappointed to discover was in Catford’s Albert Hall, was attended by thousands of wannabe scamsters…

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Facebook taxed £1 for each sincere comment

Today HM Revenue & Customs (HRMC) defended their decision to levy £4,327 from Facebook in 2014, based on the social network giant’s contribution to the ‘sum of human kindness’. HRMC also rejected calls to link Facebook’s corporation tax to their global profits of $701m, their share bonuses of £96,000 per UK employee or, the most accurate measurement of their worth, the number of sycophantic remarks on a member’s timeline.

One user complained: ‘If they had linked their tax bill to every time someone tried to stalk a friend, we’d all be millionaires…’

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City farm announces bumper tramp harvest

As the late September sun dips over Canary Wharf, urban farm manager Kevin Neville has been taking stock of the busy harvest that has left the barns overflowing and paused for a moment to reflect on what a difference a year can make.

Twelve months ago, the farm was on the verge of financial ruin. Crops were regularly failing, livestock was traumatised to the point of paralysis by inner city life, staff attrition at an all-time high and public support was at an all-time low.

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Cow left in Asda by protesting farmer promoted to store manager

A dairy cow which was left in an Asda supermarket in Middlesbrough last month has been put in charge of running the store, it has emerged. Daisy had been taken to the store by farmer Kevin Pritchard as part of a nationwide protest against falling milk prices but has proven to be the best placed candidate to run the store.

‘Kevin left me in the shop while he went off to talk to the local journos,’ said Daisy. ‘When there was a bit of an altercation he was manhandled off the premises, leaving me stranded in Aisle 6, Dairy, Eggs & Cheese. I felt a bit spare so when an old lady asked me if I knew which aisle the Steradent was kept in I took her round to Aisle 2, Toiletries & Feminine Hygiene, and it started from there.’

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Salary survey reveals twats continuing to prosper

Don't be niceA survey of UK incomes has confirmed that people with real jobs – defined by the government as ones they can explain to their parents – are destined to scrape along just above poverty levels until death, while total arseholes doing socially useless things that mean nothing to nobody have to compensate for their unpopularity with industrial quantities of loot.

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