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City farm announces bumper tramp harvest

As the late September sun dips over Canary Wharf, urban farm manager Kevin Neville has been taking stock of the busy harvest that has left the barns overflowing and paused for a moment to reflect on what a difference a year can make.

Twelve months ago, the farm was on the verge of financial ruin. Crops were regularly failing, livestock was traumatised to the point of paralysis by inner city life, staff attrition at an all-time high and public support was at an all-time low.

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Cow left in Asda by protesting farmer promoted to store manager

A dairy cow which was left in an Asda supermarket in Middlesbrough last month has been put in charge of running the store, it has emerged. Daisy had been taken to the store by farmer Kevin Pritchard as part of a nationwide protest against falling milk prices but has proven to be the best placed candidate to run the store.

‘Kevin left me in the shop while he went off to talk to the local journos,’ said Daisy. ‘When there was a bit of an altercation he was manhandled off the premises, leaving me stranded in Aisle 6, Dairy, Eggs & Cheese. I felt a bit spare so when an old lady asked me if I knew which aisle the Steradent was kept in I took her round to Aisle 2, Toiletries & Feminine Hygiene, and it started from there.’

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Salary survey reveals twats continuing to prosper

Don't be niceA survey of UK incomes has confirmed that people with real jobs – defined by the government as ones they can explain to their parents – are destined to scrape along just above poverty levels until death, while total arseholes doing socially useless things that mean nothing to nobody have to compensate for their unpopularity with industrial quantities of loot.

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ISIS inundated with middle class English applicants for unpaid internship

sort of thing Hemingway would doThe Islamic fundamentalist terror group say they have been overwhelmed by applications for an internship with their world-renowned media wing, Al Hayat, from English university media graduates.

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B&Q to close 60 ‘argument zones’

after screaming at each other in the tile section, why not look at the plantsKingfisher, parent company of B&Q and the ironically titled ‘Screwfix’, has announced it plans to phase out some of its least ‘maritally fractious’ stores.

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