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Holiday companies to offer IS selfie execution packages

'C'mon, lighten up!' said an IS spokesmanIS today declared beheading videos are a great way to make loads of money from YouTube and are simply harmless fun.

‘I must admit they make a refreshing change from all those boring pet videos, which have been flogged to death.’ said Mrs Irene Crudwell, 88, from Bournemouth. ‘In fact, I’d quite like to be beheaded on video myself; surely it must be cheaper than Dignitas – all you need is the air fare. You would get a lasting video for all your loved ones to cherish and worldwide fame to compensate for your boring meaningless life. Besides, I’ve never been to Iraq and I’ve heard it’s lovely this time of the year.’

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Bank of England’s Governor feeds interest rate dissenters to piranhas

They really had become rather tiresomeTwo members of the Bank of England’s Monetary Policy Committee who favoured an interest rate rise have been eaten alive by a school of piranhas on the whim of Bank of England Governor Mark Carney, while shocked members of the committee looked on.

Minutes of the meeting of 6th August note that Ian McCafferty and Martin Weale ‘left the meeting early’ after a disagreement over whether rates should remain at the historic low of 0.5%.

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Maths boffins solve supermarket BOGOF quandary

buy one get another one somewhere else 'not a great deal' say Trading StandardsMathematicians at the University of Leicester have proved conclusively that whenever supermarkets use a ‘Buy One, Get One Free’ offer they should place an even number of items on the relevant shelf.

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Unions condemn action as Union of Union-Workers votes to strike

jobs for the boys for the boys, and girls, brother, er, sisterThere were accusations and no small amount of confusion today as the Union of Union Workers announced an overwhelming vote by its members in favour of strike action in their long-running dispute with Union bosses over pay and union representation.

UwU boss Jim Cooper was in defiant mood following the results of today’s vote, threatening to bring chaos to the summer strike-season after 95% of the highly unionised Union-workers voted in favour of strikes.

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Gaviscon heartburn firemen call 24 hour strike

Britain is facing a heartburn epidemic after stomach-based firemen called a 24 hour stoppage. The pint-sized firefighters, employed by Gaviscon, walked out in sympathy with public sector firemen yesterday, leaving alimentary canals across Britain seriously undermanned.

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