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Prince Charles has intervened over Divine plans for a New Heavenly City of Jerusalem, set to descend from Heaven to Earth at the end of human history, ushering in the earthly reign of God the Father over all mankind for eternity. The Prince has branded the architectural plans - first outlined in the Book of Revelation by St John the Divine - as ‘unsympathetic’, and ‘likely to destroy the period charm of the existing City’.

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Music legend Madonna has turned her back on the controversial Kabbalah sect to embrace ‘the one true worldwide faith of Methodism’. The controversial singer explained the circumstances of her dramatic conversion at a hastily-convened press conference: ‘After the divorce and failed adoption bid I’d hit rock bottom. One night I found a copy of The Methodist Recorder in my hotel room, and I started reading it for solace. Halfway through the first story ‘Connexional working party report urges district chairs to convene ecumenical dialogue over fall in peripatetic lay preaching throughout the Methodist circuit’ I was in tears.’

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The BBC has been praised for its policy of getting comedienne Kathy Lette to comment on the important issues of the day using puns mainly related to female genitalia. The Australian author of such books as ‘Foetal Attraction’ and ‘To Love Honour and Betray’, is a regular panellist on programmes such as Question Time and Breakfast TV where she has made the ‘speaking as a woman’ slot very much her own. ‘I struggled to understand the historical context of the current crisis in Gaza,’ said one Question Time viewer. ‘But when Kathy Lette said ‘All these wars are caused by sexually frustrated male politicians who know more about Libya than labia!’ well, I was finally enlightened. ‘I had thought it went back to the Balfour declaration and then Israel’s declaration of independence in 1948 followed by four Arab-Israeli wars, but apparently its all because ‘Men these days take more interest in the Volvo than the vulva!’

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TV Chef Jamie Oliver has called for the government to introduce healthier alternatives to salt on the UK’s roads. Speaking at the launch of his new campaign, he said it was a ‘crying shame’ that the nation’s children had to walk and drive to school on unhealthily treated roads and pavements which could lead to high blood pressure, heart disease and rusty bike wheels.

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There was a champagne reception for Tony Blair yesterday as he left his job as Middle East Peace envoy surrounded by bouquets and cards congratulating him on a job well done.

‘It just shows that if you set your mind to something it can be achieved. I’m not pretending that it wasn’t difficult at times, that there weren’t huge obstacles to be overcome, but I think we can look back at where Israel/Palestine was when I started on this job eighteen months ago and agree that the peace situation is very different now.’

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