NewsBiscuit

A 47 year-old Dudley singleton has received a ’shot in the arm’ to his dreams of finding love, after it was announced that glamorous actress Kate Winslet is to split from her husband, director Sam Mendes.

Double glazing salesman Nigel Trudd claims that, while he has every sympathy for Ms. Winslet’s family, news of the split couldn’t have come at a better time. ‘I was beginning to lose hope about ever marrying a Hollywood starlet to be honest…’

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‘I am absolutely gutted,’ said the Greek hero of myth and legend, ‘I was really looking forward to representing my country and now this.’

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With his fans getting increasingly impatient for the follow-up to his era-defining live performances, management acting for global megastar Jesus Christ were yesterday again forced to confirm that the artist remains holed up in the studio working on his long-awaited second coming. Many industry insiders believe that the performer’s best days are behind him, but despite no indication of when we might hear some new material from Christianity’s No.1 artist, die-hard fans are still keeping the faith.

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‘It was horrendous,’ said fellow presenter Adam Boulton, ‘Kay was just standing there when I heard the noise of breaking news. By the time I turned round, the entire wall had collapsed and she had been crushed by the full weight of events.’

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‘‘Ms Winehouse is being downgraded because she is having much less effect on people than we first anticipated,’ said Celebrity Tsar, Christopher Biggins. ‘We reserve Class A status for celebrities who have a serious impact on people’s lives. Amy Winehouse is probably no more significant than riding a horse that has just taken an ecstasy tablet – which, incidentally, is what she often looks like.’

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