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BBC to build new Forsyth in Salford

Bosses at the BBC have confirmed plans for a new Forsyth to be built in Salford. It is thought the new Forsyth will feature newer dance moves and more sophisticated anecdotes about Sammy Davis Junior, while retaining it’s iconic shape. The original Forsyth was a much-loved part of viewers’ lives over the years, with its eccentric 1950′s design and rich history. Performers from the early days fondly recall it’s circular routines and stories which seemed to lead nowhere.

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Elton John to marry himself

Sir Elton John is to marry himself in what is expected to be one of the most glittering ceremonies ever seen. The marriage has thus far been disallowed on the basis that he is the same sex as himself, though a change in the law means the Rocket Man singer can now fulfil his lifetime’s ambition.

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Max Clifford’s penis stands up in court

In a surprise move yesterday, Max Clifford’s penis, Justin, dropped his anonymity to come forward at the hearing of 11 charges of indecent assault. Clifford has pleaded ‘not guilty’, and had since claimed his penis is ‘too small’ to cause trouble.

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Teachers stage strike over Martin/Paltrow split

As another celebrity marriage ‘bites the dust’, hundreds of schools were disrupted by industrial action this Wednesday. While the erosion of working conditions and pay may have demoralized educationalists, it is the thought of the ‘golden couple’ no longer being together that has really galvanized the National Union of Teachers (NUT).