NewsBiscuit

The news before it happens…

CelebBiscuit

Teenage girls told to ‘hide in lofts’ to avoid Justin Bieber

the finale solutionTeenage girls across Europe have today been warned to go into hiding to protect themselves from the increasingly sinister threat posed by pop star Justin Bieber. Critics of the 19-year-old Canadian, who has embarked on a campaign to cause offence throughout Europe, say he has already committed a number of atrocities to record and fear the situation could escalate.

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Red Nose Day appeal: Help to save a comedian’s career

Comic Relief founder Richard Curtis has spoken out about the many comedians who rely on the aid of Red Nose Day to sustain their careers and offset their tax liabilities.

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Rejected reality TV contestants discovered in sack in river Thames

 just being chosen for the sack meant the world to themA London man was shocked last night when he pulled a writhing sack out of the river Thames and discovered that it contained a collection of half-drowned, almost-forgotten reality TV stars.

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Prince Harry had three confirmed ‘kills’ in Vegas

Game over!Prince Harry has admitted in an interview that his training as an Apache helicopter pilot and gunner was invaluable when it came to disposing of three dead hookers in Las Vegas.

Discussing the many benefits of life in uniform, Captain Wales admits that while his chums panicked, he remained level-headed, took out his service pistol and calmly ‘took care of business’.

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Armstrong apologises for Direct Line adverts

Cyclical funnyman Alexander Armstrong has finally come clean, and apologised for his role in a series of Direct Line commercials. In a lengthy interview, Armstrong said he ‘didn’t feel guilty’ about promoting the RBS-owned business, and had been Direct Lining for ‘months, maybe years’. But like legendary Direct Liners before him including Stephen Fry and Paul Merton, Alexander felt under pressure to ‘earn, at all costs.’

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