NewsBiscuit

Food writer Nigella Lawson has denied reports she had a ‘steamy’ affair with a lemon risotto. The allegations are made in the News of the World, which claims to have photographs, transcripts and recipes to back up the claim. Lawson has become renowned for her flirtatious manner of cooking, with tabloid journalists dubbing her the ‘queen of food porn’.

‘I have never been inappropriately intimate with any of the dishes I have worked with,’ she said. ‘Sure, I like to have fun in the kitchen as much as the next girl, but I keep things strictly professional. The risotto in question was moist, rich and dripping with flavour, but I kept it covered from the moment it came out of the oven.’

Lawson then slowly ran her tongue around her bottom lip and added, ‘It’s the only way to keep its… juices… intact.’

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Sir Richard Branson has been forced to call off an attempt to circumnavigate his ego in his own flamboyant and challenging style. The 59 year old industrialist set off from Necker Island, a 74-acre island that Branson owns, accompanied by a team of experienced ‘ego-trippers’ but only got as far as ‘having his own spaceship’ before being forced to turn back.

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Katie Price and Martine McCutcheon today led a star-studded protest against a move their ghost writers described as ‘insidious and sinister’: the launch of a new novel by a completely artificial celebrity.

The novel, ‘Daddy don’t hurt little princess happy ever after’, combines three best selling genres of child abuse, memoir and romance and is expected to dominate the Christmas best seller lists. The book is remarkable in that it required no input from an expensive celebrity at all but was computer generated and then edited by a team of self employed journalists, reducing costs considerably.

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It was the news campaigners had been dreaming of. Yesterday, the UN declared that Cell 23 on D Wing at HMP Wayland, where Lord Archer was imprisoned for nearly 18 months, to be a World Heritage Site. Accorded only to places of significant interest to people across the world, World Heritage status will mean that the historic cell can be preserved for future generations to see where ‘FF-8282′ began to write his seminal ‘A Prison Diary’. A blue plaque will also be placed on the nearby balcony where Archer sold cigarettes to Ronnie Kray.

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The spider involved in the Little Miss Muffet incident has spoken for the first time about what actually occurred between them. The nursery rhyme, which is well known around the world, apparently tells the story of an innocent girl who is frightened away by a spider. The reality is very different. ‘She is a lying cheating bitch,’ claims the spider, ’she was one of my girls, if you know what I mean, and she owes me money. I was only trying to recover what I am owed, and to get back some of my drugs. She wasn’t even eating curds and whey, who would eat whey? It is a disgusting by-product of cheese manufacture. No, she was about to snort a massive line of coke and when I appeared she ran to avoid paying me. Last I heard she was turning tricks in Manchester, but I’ll find her.’

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