Teenage girls across Europe have today been warned to go into hiding to protect themselves from the increasingly sinister threat posed by pop star Justin Bieber. Critics of the 19-year-old Canadian, who has embarked on a campaign to cause offence throughout Europe, say he has already committed a number of atrocities to record and fear the situation could escalate.
Discussing the many benefits of life in uniform, Captain Wales admits that while his chums panicked, he remained level-headed, took out his service pistol and calmly ‘took care of business’.
Cyclical funnyman Alexander Armstrong has finally come clean, and apologised for his role in a series of Direct Line commercials. In a lengthy interview, Armstrong said he ‘didn’t feel guilty’ about promoting the RBS-owned business, and had been Direct Lining for ‘months, maybe years’. But like legendary Direct Liners before him including Stephen Fry and Paul Merton, Alexander felt under pressure to ‘earn, at all costs.’