NewsBiscuit

Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced that in the future all new schools will be built and maintained by the pupils. ‘This is what I mean by ‘free schools,’ he said, ‘the kids build them and it doesn’t cost us a penny.’ Mr Gove announced that from September every school pupil in England and Wales will be issued with a hammer, some nails and a pot of paint.

‘Obviously we want them to do a good job,’ said Mr Gove, ‘which is why I have set up a range of ‘Building Academies’ in which the kids will get basic training in woodwork, bricklaying and plastering. The brighter kids can have a go at architecture while the thicker ones can focus on wolf-whistling and showing their bottoms to passers by.’

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IBM Global Services has clinched the lucrative contract to make sure Sebastian Ponsonby always produces the most impressive homework assignment at Richmond Primary School.

The parents of Sebastian Ponsonby say they are equally delighted at clinching the deal with IBM. ‘Whether it’s writing an essay on the Egyptians, or drawing a farmyard animal, it’s imperative that Sebastian always produces the most impressive homework assignment in his class. We are confident that IBM Global Services will keep us ahead of the game,’ said his father, Julian.

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Chemistry standards among student suicide bombers are getting lower and lower, the recruitment manager of Al Qaeda has complained. Speaking after yet another London student failed to set off an incendiary device, the terror group’s human resources supremo, Al Maqtoub, said British university graduates are unable to carry out their duties.

‘Quite frankly, the quality of some of this year’s intake has been appalling,’ he said. ‘We’ve had to retrain some of them in basic tasks, such as shoe detonation and liquid explosives.’

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Terrorist organisations including Al-Qaeda, Shining Path and ETA today joined leading business and education bodies to support the government’s flagship Diploma qualification for 14-19 year olds. The Diploma, which sits alongside existing qualifications such as GCSE’s and A-levels, mix hands-on experience with traditional classroom learning.

Hasan Nasarallah, leader of Hezbollah, says: ‘What we like about the Diploma is the emphasis on core skills like English, Maths and ICT, all of which are crucial at all levels of the organisation, from mastermind to disposable martyr. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve had operations go pear-shaped because someone can’t work out the timing on a detonator or read a SatNav properly.’

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‘I’m now completely comfortable with my sexuality’ said Adam, ‘but I’m sure I wouldn’t have found it so easy to come out if it wasn’t for the kind observations of the boys at King Edwards.’

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