After the delivery of a ministerial attaché case containing an 11lb tuna to the headquarters of Ofsted, it has been hinted by sources at the Department of Education that the Chair of Ofsted, Labour Peer Baroness Morgan ‘Ain’t gonna be around no more, capisce?’
Sauron, the Dark Lord of Dol Guldur, whose eye falls like a pestilence upon the peoples of Middle Earth, is reported to be ‘Spitting black bile’ at reports leaked by advisers at the department of Education, critcising his rule of Mordor for being ‘too Orc-Centred’ and ‘trapped in 60′s Orthodoxies’.
Schoolchildren up and down Britain are still struggling to come to terms with the acclaim accorded to Malala Yousafzai, a Pakistani school pupil and activist blogger who was shot in the head by the Taliban in 2011 for campaigning for girls’ education rights. They have unanimously agreed that her conduct is ‘well rank’ and that she should have been grateful not to have to sit through double Maths every Tuesday morning.
Malala’s courage and determination has earned her acclaim all over the world. Since her miraculous survival, she has been instrumental in the ratification of Pakistan’s first Right to Education Bill, was named one of Time Magazine’s ’100 Most Influential People in the World’ and was nominated for the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize among many other things. However, British teenagers have dismissed all this as ‘totally gay’.
The Secretary of State for Education, Michael Gove, has announced the appointment of a new Chief Inspector for Schools. Ronnie ‘The Animal’ Henderson has been brought in, he said, ‘to add rigour and robustness to the schools inspection framework’.
Scores of rubbish Media Studies degrees around the country are facing closure, according to the lecturers’ union NOPULU (Not Proper University Lecturers’ Union). The warning follows new figures from UCAS, which show the lucrative ‘crap sector’ of higher education in sharp decline following the rise in tuition fees.