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Government entrusts cat cull to schoolboys

Licensed schoolboys across the country have been brought in to help stem the spread of cat to human TB the Government have announced.

Under plans unveiled at a packed news conference the cull of cats will take place between the hours of after school and bed time in three pilot areas.

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DEFRA chief ‘caught wife in bed with badger’

The mystery of DEFRA’s antipathy towards badgers may have been solved, with the publication of a shocking ‘Cull and Tell’ memoir by DEFRA insider Alison Bethel.

‘When foxes turned urban, we weren’t too worried’, she writes. ‘It was just a bit of rummaging in bins, playing hip-hop music, that sort of thing. But badgers went one step further – they turned urbane. They were the talk of the Home Counties – sophisticated, witty, charming, with a hint of the night about them. Actually, quite a lot of the night, being nocturnal.

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Roman middle classes ‘furious’ at government’s response to volcanic apocalypse

infamy, infamy..Pompeii could have been saved from the magma waves if the authorities had done more to protect its buildings than stack piles of surplus slaves up in front of the doors, local residents claimed yesterday.

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Environment Agency begs athletes to stop coming out

it's all caused a bit of a splashAs further storms are expected to hit the UK, paranoid homophobes of all political persuasions are launching a concerted campaign to stop the ‘flood of sexual liberation’. Aerial footage along the Thames has revealed a ‘rising tide’ of liberalisation in the populace, which has been exacerbated by declarations from Tom Daley, England women’s captain Casey Stoney and the hint that Wayne Rooney has started to pluck his eyebrows.

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Environment Agency launches new ‘Help to Sell’ scheme

dynamic, affordable housing...In the face of mounting public criticism, the government has rushed out a new property initiative to complement the popular ‘Help to Buy’ scheme, with particular emphasis on first-time flood victims.

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