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Mystery blight killing stinging nettles ‘nothing to get too concerned about’

Stinging nettles across the country started wilting, turning black and literally losing their sting in early September. A dog walker in Surrey was the first to notice the phenomenon: ‘I thought thank f@$k for that. There was a big patch of the bastards over by the railway line. Always used to catch my ankles in the summer. Glad to see the back of them’.

While the Head of the Botany department at King’s College, was circumspect when asked how many botanists had been assigned to identifying the virus. ‘It’s not a priority at the moment. Our thoughts are concentrated on finding a good venue for this year’s Christmas party’

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Fisherman told Green Party membership now at sustainable levels

Following on from the news that North Sea cod is to return to the dinner table, the Marine Conservation Society (MCS) has declared that ‘tree-hugging beardy-weirdys’ are no longer endangered. Members of the public are now permitted to mock environmentalists without fear of reducing their numbers and are free to ‘fry them’ in ridicule, ‘batter’ them with abuse and smother them in the ‘ketchup of their scorn’.

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Naturalists schism as Pipistrelle bats found to carry Dutch Elm Disease

Britain’s countryside and wildlife fraternity are deeply divided over the news that the nation’s most common protected species of bat is the carrier of a fungal disease which is laying waste to vast areas of traditional woodland.

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Scottish Labour MPs ‘near extinction’, captive breeding program proposed

'Just lie back and think of Scottish Labour'Fears are growing for the Scottish Labour MP after a recent report suggests there may be only a single individual left in the wild. Experts have proposed a captive breeding program at Edinburgh Zoo to help increase their numbers for eventual release.

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Avian privacy group slams RSPB ‘mass surveillance’

everything they do is known to the authoritiesAvian rights activists are demanding answers from the government today after the Guardian published tweets from an insider at the RSPB, indicating the shocking extent of directed surveillance against birds.

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