‘It’s not what we want to do’, said a young medic who wishes to remain anonymous. ’But let us be honest here, after a 48 hour shift it really is quite easy to appear like a bungling buffoon who gets in all kinds of mildly amusing scrapes not knowing the difference between the words prostrate and prostate . One of us will insert a stethoscope into a patient’s anal cavity by mistake while another will carry out a comedic ‘whoopsie’ sound using a rubber glove for extra effect.’
Restaurateurs and microbiologists are bracing themselves for a seasonal fusion between the nation’s least imaginative side-dish and its most virulent side-blister. This heady mixture leads to an unsightly phenomenon that can linger on the upper lip if not treated properly by dabbing with a McDonald’s serviette, TCP and discreet spitting.
One epidemiologist said: ‘We’ve seen a huge influx of Scandinavian pickled salad coming into contact with boiled British herpes.
Following the revelation that eating sausages, bacon and anything else representing a decent breakfast, the NHS has agreed to support those addicted to meat designated as dangerous as smoking, arsenic and watching Britain’s Got Talent. Apparently the danger only applies to those who ingest such products, so those who indulge in sticking their body parts in pork products should be okay to continue running the country.
Yesterday Dave Jones (21), from Staines, wowed holidaymakers with his amazingly toned abs – showing few signs of the arduous delivery his wife had recently been through. Breaking away from his new parenting duties, he frolicked in the waves, seemingly without a care in the world. He even managed to enjoy a ‘light’ lunch of lager and pizza as he recharged on the well-earned break in Dubai.
In patterned board shorts and trendy espadrilles, Mr. Jones drew admiring glances.
Scientists have recommended cutting our media exposure to millionaires with their own reality TV show and love affair with an under-performing football team. Advisers on nutrition say that by exceeding our 5% of daily televisual Sugar, budding entrepreneurs will believe success comes with no overheads, no VAT and a ‘blagged’ interview with Claude Littner.