Scientists have recommended cutting our media exposure to millionaires with their own reality TV show and love affair with an under-performing football team. Advisers on nutrition say that by exceeding our 5% of daily televisual Sugar, budding entrepreneurs will believe success comes with no overheads, no VAT and a ‘blagged’ interview with Claude Littner.
Two of Britain’s leading publications are to merge to create a vibrant new health journal containing peer-reviewed research studies, plus attention grabbing headlines about asylum seekers bringing in ebola. The new publication will be named The Daily British Medical Express, (incorporating World of Diana) and will feature ‘cutting-edge research, medical jobs, rampant speculation, conspiracy theories, apocalyptic weather forecasts and recipes’.
With half of the UK’s eight-year-olds suffering from tooth decay, all gossamer-winged withdrawals will now focus on harvesting undamaged organs. Children can now expect to wake with significant surgical scarring in the abdominal area, problems filtering urine and a pound coin under their pillow ‘for their troubles’.
Tory MP and crystal skull-lover David Tredinnick set out his vision today for the future of the NHS. These reforms will include the pre-emptive treatment of all individuals born under the sign of Cancer with aggressive chemotherapy and Reiki massage. ‘Every child born between the dates June 22nd –July 22nd will be administered potent chemotherapeutic agents from the age of six onwards’, announced Mr Tredinnick.