NewsBiscuit

A Solihull fitness fanatic’s annual resolution to become an overweight slob ended in failure again yesterday with a five-mile run before dawn.

Dean Hammond, 29, fell back into his old ways with a fast-paced run and a free weights session before a breakfast of grains, berries, natural yoghurt, fresh juice and spring water.

‘I can’t believe it happened again,’ said Dean, ‘I suppose it just comes down to a lack of will power. I’d love to be normal and watch hours of crap TV while pigging out on junk food and cheap lager like my mates, but I can’t seem to stick to the routine.’

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After weeks of viral speculation, ‘Catarrh Hero – The Struggle to Work’, the latest edition of the successful ‘Hero’ gaming series was launched onto the market last night at a London West End store. Attracted by the promise of a box of designer tissues, a large queue of gamers had gathered by the time the shop was formally opened by Dr Hillary Jones and a bevy of beauties dressed in pleasingly non regulation nursing uniforms.

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Dr Who’s officious new receptionist could be putting billions of patients’ lives in danger, according to a report leaked by the British Medical Association (BMA).The report says that since the Timelord installed a new receptionist in his surgery, patients such as the eight billion of inhabitatants of Planet Earth have found urgent pleas for life-saving action going unheard.

‘This new receptionist seems to think she is in charge,’ complained one patient, a Prime Minister of the UK. ‘Once it was easy to get an appointment with the doctor. Now it’s bleeding impossible. And, I swear, if I don’t do something about my Dalek problem, it could be fatal.’

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The world of cosmetic surgery heralded a new breakthrough this week, when a top Harley Street clinic announced that it has finally pioneered the first successful man boob enhancement. ‘Man boobs have long presented the surgical community with a number of challenges, not least that everyone finds them just a bit gross,’ explained Dr Angela Dreyfuss, who refused to confirm or deny whether Simon Cowell had received the surgery during its clinical trial.

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The Health and Diet Advisory commission today turned its attention to the pallid and gaunt villains of the Harry Potter saga, the Death Eaters. ‘The moment I saw Barty Crouch jnr unmasked in the Goblet of Fire, I said to myself, ‘Zinc deficiency!” said Maurice Poole, a Commission nutrition expert and policy advisor. ‘Then when they brought in Bellatrix Lestrange with her bulging eyes, we all said simultaneously, ‘She’s got goitre!’

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