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A Downing Street spokesman has confirmed that Clippy will immediately be on board as part of the Prime Ministerial guidance team. Clippy is a beloved and treasured part of this nation's heritage. It first appeared in Office 97, coinciding with the Tories being out of office in the same year. Nevertheless, the current Government has decided that Clippy has many advantages relevant to today's issues. "Are you looking for a picture of a big dog?" "Do you want to convert that to

A spokesman for the Master Race has apologised to the press for some of the race’s recent representatives. ‘Okay, a few of them look like they had difficult births. Some did, to be fair. And yeah, there’s always one at a rally in a weird suit with 1940s hair who looks like his Mum still makes his sandwiches. And none of them can punctuate, spell or use English grammar. But that doesn’t mean they don’t represent Engerland, the greatest race the world has ever seen’. Master rac

"They called the UFC bout at the White House a tacky, shameful desecration of an historic site," said a spokes-savage for President Trump. "The President's saying: Duh! Of course it was. Why are you not getting this? For eight decades, New York's top rank branded Mr Trump a small-fingered vulgarian with the speaking voice of a sewage worker and the interior decor tastes of a brothel owner. The only fellow billionaire who was ever happy to be seen with him was Jeffrey Epstein.

Prince George is excited to be going to school at Eton, because his nanny has read all the books to him. He is particularly looking forward to travelling there by steam train from a secret royal platform at Waterloo. And he hopes to study Defence Against The Dark Arts, otherwise known as Media Studies. But he is disappointed that the sorting hat has not put him in Gryffindor House. He is puzzled to have been put in Boris House, which seems to be a watered down version of Slyt

It must be approaching the silly season or newspapers are fed up with printing BoJo stories. In any event yet another ‘unknown’ dinosaur species has allegedly been discovered in the Solent archipelago. A leading dinosaur expert was approached for comment:- 'To be honest I am getting a bit pissed off with what appears to be a non-stop stream of new discoveries in what to be honest is a piddly little island that people only visit when accidently getting on the wrong boat at Por

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Authorities in the quiet town of Stokely-on-the-Wey have not seen any signs of the members of a traveling mime group since their mysterious disappearance Saturday evening. Eyewitnesses’ accounts of what transpired have only served to muddle the investigation. One observer commented, 'I didn’t think they were very good to begin with. I couldn’t figure out what they were going on about.' No one in the audience seemed to know whether the troupe had finished their show or were st

In a bold move today, Keir Starmer will announce age checks on social media to protect older voters from radicalisation. ‘Social media is a hellhole’, a spokesman told us. ‘Flags, memes, outright lies – old people aren’t properly prepared. They tend to believe any rubbish if it’s in print. Twitter is like the Daily Mail on steroids’. Over 60s will need permission from their children or two medical professionals to own a smartphone. The Government will issue Nokia 8850s from o

With the government hell-bent on stopping under sixteen year old children accessing the internet, children are pointing out they use their apps to monitor their friends have returned home safely. 'Apparently I'll need to use my minutes or text allowance to check if Billy got home ok,' said Jimmy, aged eight, 'and I need that to ensure I can call my mum if I'm stuck. So I'm going to use something I found on the internet - apparently people used to dial friends and hang up afte

The fashion world has been rocked to its core by revelations that clothing exists to keep us warm and cover our nakedness. ‘No, you’ve got that wrong’ said Stella (23), never been gainfully employed yet somehow expensively dressed. ‘Life is fashion. Fashion is life. What could be clearer?’ NewsBiscuit spoke to several fashionably dressed people in central London. They were all bloody annoying. All agreed that fashion is an art form, on a par with poetry or music. Or that othe

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