HealthBiscuit
A Solihull fitness fanatic’s annual resolution to become an overweight slob ended in failure again yesterday with a five-mile run before dawn.
Dean Hammond, 29, fell back into his old ways with a fast-paced run and a free weights session before a breakfast of grains, berries, natural yoghurt, fresh juice and spring water.
After weeks of viral speculation, ‘Catarrh Hero – The Struggle to Work’, the latest edition of the successful ‘Hero’ gaming series was launched onto the market last night at a London West End store. Attracted by the promise of a box of designer tissues, a large queue of gamers had gathered by the time the shop was formally opened by Dr Hillary Jones and a bevy of beauties dressed in pleasingly non regulation nursing uniforms.
Dr Who’s officious new receptionist could be putting billions of patients’ lives in danger, according to a report leaked by the British Medical Association (BMA).The report says that since the Timelord installed a new receptionist in his surgery, patients such as the eight billion of inhabitatants of Planet Earth have found urgent pleas for life-saving action going unheard.
‘This new receptionist seems to think she is in charge,’ complained one patient, a Prime Minister of the UK. ‘Once it was easy to get an appointment with the doctor. Now it’s bleeding impossible. And, I swear, if I don’t do something about my Dalek problem, it could be fatal.’
The world of cosmetic surgery heralded a new breakthrough this week, when a top Harley Street clinic announced that it has finally pioneered the first successful man boob enhancement. ‘Man boobs have long presented the surgical community with a number of challenges, not least that everyone finds them just a bit gross,’ explained Dr Angela Dreyfuss, who refused to confirm or deny whether Simon Cowell had received the surgery during its clinical trial.
The Health and Diet Advisory commission today turned its attention to the pallid and gaunt villains of the Harry Potter saga, the Death Eaters. ‘The moment I saw Barty Crouch jnr unmasked in the Goblet of Fire, I said to myself, ‘Zinc deficiency!” said Maurice Poole, a Commission nutrition expert and policy advisor. ‘Then when they brought in Bellatrix Lestrange with her bulging eyes, we all said simultaneously, ‘She’s got goitre!’
