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Ebola to take on MRSA in world title showdown

It’s the bout everyone’s been waiting for: Ebola ‘The Kidney Musher’ versus Britain’s very own home-grown bacterium, MRSA ‘The Superbug’. The two contenders are to meet in 16 days’ time at Mid Staffordshire Hospital or whatever it’s called by then, to fight for the undisputed title of the world’s baddest disease. And, predictably, the macho boasting has begun already.

‘Ebola’s going down,’ said MRSA’s promoter Mickey ‘The Regional Health Contractor’ Fillery. ‘The NHS won’t suit it. By the time we’ve finished with it, Ebola won’t even know what its host species is.’ However, Ebola said that it had ‘plenty of ways of getting inside your defences. You’re going to need more than a doctor after what Ebola does to you, people of Britain’.

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NHS to become online-only

Health Minister Jeremy Hunt has calculated that the NHS could save billions if it operated as a computer model, like the Matrix, instead of as a real-world service trying to treat sick people in 3D.

‘What we’re seeing is errors, cock-ups really,’ said Hunt. ‘And they’re costing the NHS billions. We contemplated a poster campaign saying something like ‘Stop Making Mistakes, You Muppets’, but then somebody pointed out that posters with patronising messages would just make people hate me even more. And what good did a poster ever do, really? It’s a stupid idea. Probably one of Andrew Lansley’s, actually.

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Emergency services rehearse for possible major outbreak of UKIP

almost every precaution taken to avoid UKIP, but is it too little too late?Every UK emergency service and the border agency took part in a coordinated exercise yesterday to test their readiness if the worst case scenario of UKIP spreading within the country and taking hold in the coming months actually happens.

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Men likely to experience much more deadly strain of Ebola, says study

far worse than any female strain, obviouslyMen are likely to experience a much more unforgiving and ruthless strain of the feared Ebola virus when it reaches Britain’s shores, a research group consisting largely of males has confirmed today.

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AA to launch nervous breakdown service

Salute you, Sir!Professionals in the motoring and psychiatry world expressed surprise and delight at AA’s new roadside Nervous Breakdown service, available free with Home Start.

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