NewsBiscuit

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HealthBiscuit

NHS to become online-only

Health Minister Jeremy Hunt has calculated that the NHS could save billions if it operated as a computer model, like the Matrix, instead of as a real-world service trying to treat sick people in 3D.

‘What we’re seeing is errors, cock-ups really,’ said Hunt. ‘And they’re costing the NHS billions. We contemplated a poster campaign saying something like ‘Stop Making Mistakes, You Muppets’, but then somebody pointed out that posters with patronising messages would just make people hate me even more. And what good did a poster ever do, really? It’s a stupid idea. Probably one of Andrew Lansley’s, actually.

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Emergency services rehearse for possible major outbreak of UKIP

almost every precaution taken to avoid UKIP, but is it too little too late?Every UK emergency service and the border agency took part in a coordinated exercise yesterday to test their readiness if the worst case scenario of UKIP spreading within the country and taking hold in the coming months actually happens.

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Men likely to experience much more deadly strain of Ebola, says study

far worse than any female strain, obviouslyMen are likely to experience a much more unforgiving and ruthless strain of the feared Ebola virus when it reaches Britain’s shores, a research group consisting largely of males has confirmed today.

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AA to launch nervous breakdown service

Salute you, Sir!Professionals in the motoring and psychiatry world expressed surprise and delight at AA’s new roadside Nervous Breakdown service, available free with Home Start.

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Public to be trained to give drug advice to muggers

not to be taken on an empty stomach, so mug lunch off someone firstMembers of the public are to be trained to give pharmaceutical advice to drug-users before their medicine is stolen from them by junkies, under new proposals from the Department of Health.

‘It’s a thorny issue,’ said Bill Wilkins, one of the government’s top advisors on health-related issues, ‘but the reality is that the amount of prescription drugs being handed over on the street under duress has tripled in a year. Thousands of people being mugged at knifepoint for their painkillers are falling down badly in terms of their duty of care. Some of them are also falling down badly if they get stabbed, but that’s another issue’

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