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HealthBiscuit

Daily Express to merge with British Medical Journal

everything can finally be curedTwo of Britain’s leading publications are to merge to create a vibrant new health journal containing peer-reviewed research studies, plus attention grabbing headlines about asylum seekers bringing in ebola. The new publication will be named The Daily British Medical Express, (incorporating World of Diana) and will feature ‘cutting-edge research, medical jobs, rampant speculation, conspiracy theories, apocalyptic weather forecasts and recipes’.

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NHS data systems diagnosed with ‘Incompetentitus’

can't get an appointment for treatmentThe NHS has confirmed this weekend that ‘hundreds, maybe thousands, probably lots’ of patient records have been passed to third parties against the patients’ wishes.

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Tooth fairy moving onto kidneys

pound left under dialysis machineWith half of the UK’s eight-year-olds suffering from tooth decay, all gossamer-winged withdrawals will now focus on harvesting undamaged organs. Children can now expect to wake with significant surgical scarring in the abdominal area, problems filtering urine and a pound coin under their pillow ‘for their troubles’.

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David Tredinnick MP: ‘The NHS can be rescued by rubbing a big crystal on it’

cures cancer as well, apparentlyTory MP and crystal skull-lover David Tredinnick set out his vision today for the future of the NHS. These reforms will include the pre-emptive treatment of all individuals born under the sign of Cancer with aggressive chemotherapy and Reiki massage. ‘Every child born between the dates June 22nd –July 22nd will be administered potent chemotherapeutic agents from the age of six onwards’, announced Mr Tredinnick.

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A&E departments unable to cope with influx of news teams

news crews resorting to reporting on each otherA&E departments across England are struggling to deal with the unprecedented numbers of reporters and news crews that have descended upon them in the last few days. Cameramen have reported being kept waiting in corridors for up to eight hours, and more than twenty hospitals have admitted missing their target of enabling broadcasts to be transmitted from their emergency rooms every four hours.

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