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Garden Bridge will include ‘dogging area’ confirms Heatherwick

Garden Bridge designer Thomas Heatherwick has confirmed there will be a specially designated area given over to people addicted to exhibitionist sexual activity in open public places.  To start with the sex facility will only be open at night, but once it becomes notorious it is hoped the area will attract day-time doggers too.

Although the activity is more commonly associated with woodland parks and rural areas Mr. Heatherwick said the vast majority of Londoners do not own cars and it was only fair this was taken into account when planning ahead for bridge activities.

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Man imprisoned for failing to provide an Amazon review

‘We must have sent him four emails asking for a review, but he just ignored them,’ said an Amazon spokesman today. ‘He hadn’t marked the product as a gift, so there was no reason to not provide a review,’ he added.

Judge Roberts commented when sentencing Billy Askew (24) from Winsford to three months in gaol that: ‘it was every on-line shopper’s civic duty to provide a review, even if it’s clearly horseshit’.

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Cats still to decide on inside or outside referendum

The National Cat Association (NCA) has admitted that there is still no consensus about whether they want the free-market roaming that the garden represents or the warm monetary union offered by the airing cupboard.  A spokes-cat said: ‘We didn’t expect a swift decision; to be honest, it could be years.  What we will say is that shouting at us will not make it any quicker’.

Those in favour of staying indoors have said the deal has been sweetened by their German owner, offering additional squatting rights with any cardboard box, computer keyboard or lap of their choice.

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Mourner leaves card at crash explaining “why?”

They come in their dozens to lay cards and wreaths at the site of the crash. Among them, some simple pansies tied to a fence with a card bearing the single inscription ‘why?’ Next to that, another card with what appears to be the explanation ‘Because he walked into the path of a lorry’.

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Six year-old maths whizz demands greater transparency on household finances

Henry Willis, a 6 year-old pupil at Tunbridge Primary in Kent, has become increasingly agitated about his long-term financial security. In a heated discussion with parents, Geoff and Lynn, about family net worth, he was infuriated to learn that additional savings were not being offset to generate lower mortgage interest repayments. After unearthing a significant number of poor financial decisions, he has insisted that all future investment strategies are to be signed off by him.

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