NewsBiscuit

The news before it happens…

LifeBiscuit

New ‘Total Paunch’ magazine a huge hit with men

for the man content not to have everything‘I got sick of looking at handsome young guys with six packs smiling down from the shelves at W H Smith and getting nudged in the side by the missus. So I bought myself a copy of Paunch and I haven’t looked back. The features on ‘low definition abs’ and ’10 steps towards guaranteed sex after ten pints of lager’ have literally changed my life, and I’ll be even happier after the divorce and the court case are over.’

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Mexican standoff at Weston-super-Mare roundabout reaches third day

only thing moving for three days was their eyesThe drivers of three Nissan Micras who have all been giving way to each other at a mini-roundabout in Weston-Super-Mare have been given emergency rations by concerned locals as their stand-off passes the three day mark.

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MasterChef won by dish of twice-heated beans served on a bed of lightly-toasted bread and dressed in a rich tomato jus

'It doesn't get any better than that!'The BBC’s MasterChef competition has been won by a contestant successfully pulling off his elaborate signature dish of reheated baked beans drizzled over a bed of lightly toasted shop-bought Mighty White and served in a thick tomato sauce.

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Women out to get themselves that ‘Jan Moir’ look

hopes to be exhibited in the V&A one dayA poll by InVogue magazine, the self-styled Qur’an of British fashion, says that an increasing number of women are keen to emulate the sensible, dowdy good looks of Daily Mail columnist and all-round baggy glamourpuss Jan Moir.

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BMW relaxes ‘Dickhead Test’ for buyers

BMW has announced that it is seeking to expand its customer base beyond dickheads to include idiots, twats and pillocks as well. As a result, the company’s infamously stringent ‘Dickhead Test’ for prospective purchasers is to be considerably modified.

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