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Conkers crap, middle-aged man is reminded

Roger Martindale, a 48-year-old chartered surveyor from Bromsgrove, has returned from a trip down memory lane by playing conkers in the back garden with his 12-year-old son Nigel in the evening mist.  Unfortunately the memories that were revived were all awful, given that the experience served mainly to confirm that his childhood games were basically pants.

‘Nigel kept on at me to collect conkers with him, then drill holes through them and play,’ Martindale said. ‘I thought it might be a fun, quality time experience for us to share but after about 100 goes each and only dealing a glancing blow to each other’s conker twice each, I started to wonder how much longer I’d have to – AHHHH! Dammit, Nigel, mind my bloody knuckles will you?’

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Man breaks awkward, thin-lipped smile endurance record in work corridor

An office worker from Birmingham has broken the world record for sustaining an awkward, toothless grin after a colleague he vaguely knew caught his eye as they walked towards each other. Thirty-five year old Mike Ambridge unwillingly maintained the idiotic expression for almost three minutes after making eye contact with Kate from Accounts – a woman he briefly spoke to on a training course four years ago.

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Brian Sewell describes Heaven as ‘kitsch nightmare propped up by vulgar columns’

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Dying teen has tediously predictable bucket list

When Amber-Louise Bradshaw was given the diagnosis that her leukaemia was terminal, the 19-year-old’s closest friends in Caterham rallied round to ensure that she would get to do all the things she had always wanted to do in the six months she still has left. Now, having seen the depressingly awful ‘bucket list’ she drew up, they are beginning to regret it.

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New networking tool ‘Linktinder’ launched

A new website/mobile phone app has been launched, aimed at the busy professional who does not have time to separate the different areas of his life. Be it exchanging stocks and shares in the City, to exchanging bodily fluids in the country-side; if your life is morally ambiguous, this is the tool for your tool.

Known as ‘Linktinder’, the app will allow users to upload high quality photos of themselves along with their measurements, sexual tastes and details of their professional qualifications.

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