NewsBiscuit

The government’s much criticised Home Information Packs, or HIPs, have come under renewed attack after it emerged that home owners are not obliged to divulge information regarding supernatural phenomena. A number of first time buyers have complained that they have purchased homes unaware of problems such as diabolic apparitions outside the upstairs window at midnight, the doors of kitchen cupboards flying open and closed to the sound of Karl Orff’s Carmina Burana and the rather poky and damp cellar being replaced by a flaming portal to the depths of hell. ‘I’m sure we would have remembered that if the estate agent had mentioned it’ said one distraught home-owner.

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A Redditch firm of undertakers is promising to ‘bury the competition’ by offering a range of funerals ‘to die for’. John Starling Funeral Directors have this week launched a range of send off’s that include balloon rides, spa treatments, racing at Brands Hatch, paint balling, and wind surfing. To accompany these they will also offer a savings plan and gift vouchers.

The funeral director’s owner, John Starling, says more and more people are opting to bow out in style. ‘We can offer something in death that the deceased never experienced while they were alive. This is particularly true of our extreme No Way Out funerals where the only certainty is the deceased will come to a highly destructive end. These include the Car Crusher, the Building Demolition, the Hearse Over The Cliff, and The Bomb In The Coffin.’

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The Vatican is celebrating today after finally capturing Europe’s most notorious condom smuggler in a massive bust at Dublin airport. Francesc ‘Johnny’ Vallejos from Madrid is believed to have spent the past 15 years travelling between countries in Central America, Africa and Europe making thousands of Euros from their Catholic populations in the illegally protected sex trade. But today, with Vallejos behind bars, the Church has declared victory in its War on Prophylactics after an operation conducted with ‘surgical precision’ saw the world’s biggest pipeline for contraband contraceptives ’snipped off at source’.

‘It’s a great day,‘ said Father Constantine of the Vatican’s Marital Advice Squad. ‘There were several times over the years when we thought we’d got our man, but each manoeuvre ended in anticlimax as undercover agents had to pull out at the last minute or risk blowing their cover.’

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Notorious Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, has announced that he is to return the proceeds gained from the 1963 multi-million pound train heist in an attempt to restore public confidence in the once honourable criminal classes. Biggs, currently serving a sentence in Norwich prison after returning to the UK in 2001, has described the manner by which he came into the money as ‘an honest mistake’, and has called for a change in the rules which are making morally-upright criminals look like money-grabbing cheats.

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Alistair Darling has announced that the Government is to hand over management of the economy and day to day running of domestic affairs to the supermarket giant Tesco. The decision was revealed to MPs during the Chancellor’s Budget Speech which was the last to take place in the House of Commons before it is converted to a Tesco Metro.

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