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Parental advice awarded heritage status

'Don't say you weren't warned'Dubious claims by parents are to be preserved for the nation before they disappear completely, the Heritage Minister announced today.

‘Surely nobody really believes you’ll catch an airborne virus by leaving the house with wet hair,’ pointed out the minister, ‘or that masturbating turns you blind,’ he added in an interview for Mumsnet. ‘But it’s clear that British parenting myths have been proven to be the first demonstrable memes in any modern language and as such should be protected in law.’

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Last clothed selfie ‘taken in 2009′, historians discover

now collectable on iCloudWith hundreds of thousands of naked images being hacked and leaked via forums on ‘4chan’, law enforcement agencies have concluded that 99% of all photos are now of the naked variety. In fact most mobile users now find it more convenient to sign off text messages with a ‘dick pic’ or ‘nip shot’ than take the trouble to leave a few kisses, smiley icon or their contact details at the House of Commons.

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‘Death on holiday’ tops list of things no-one has sympathy for

It'll be fine...Summer marks that time of year when British holidaymakers begin their annual cull of the most idiotic by leaping drunkenly from balconies, ignoring ski helmets or combining scuba diving with outboard motors. Those unable to afford such expensive jaunts, naturally, respond with the same levels of commiseration normally reserved for small children banging their heads on tables after being told not to run.

So apathetic are our levels of sympathy for the newly deceased on holiday that one sociologist commentated: ‘Being eaten by wild animals is natural selection for the rich, as a person of average income would never see a polar bear outside of a zoo. For those on a tight budget, they are now equating death on safari with voting for Nick Clegg – something you just brought on yourself.’

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World Cup style TV screens to stream C.C.T.V. in British town centres

Smile!The government has announced plans to install enormous televisions in the streets of Britain’s town centres, streaming live footage from C.C.T.V. cameras.

‘The appeal of seeing one’s face on a huge television is so great that we anticipate a sharp decrease in anti-social behaviour,’ insisted David Cameron.

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Facebook set to launch Babybook for hubristic parents

In an attempt to stop the increasing number of users leaving the social network due to being continually bombarded with baby pictures and the related updates, Facebook is to launch an offshoot called Babybook.

The social network is receiving a large volume of complaints regarding friends or casual acquaintances constantly posting pictures with captions such as ‘Baby’s first shit’ or ‘Me at 4 cm dilated, you can almost see the head!!’. In protest at this infantile inundation, many users are returning to Myspace and other social networks they can’t quite remember.

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