NewsBiscuit

A police detective from Somerset is suing his former constabulary for unfair dismissal after he was dismissed for being ‘too well-balanced and clean cut to be a ‘proper’ detective’.

But Chief Constable Colin Port defended DI Turner’s sacking, saying he had no drink problems, no discernible skeletons in the closet and never had an affair with anyone at the station. ‘With a personal life like that not hampering his investigations in a way that provides a bit of colour and occasionally juxtaposes with the criminals he was investigating he couldn’t possibly be successful at solving difficult crimes. All the best detectives on the telly have got issues. We had to take action.’

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‘I have been using a pair of sock puppets for years,’ said Lord Chief Justice, Lord Judge, ‘The jury love it when I bring them out from under the bench to explain legal terms such as ‘habeus corpus’, or the difference between murder and manslaughter. In such cases it really helps to lighten the mood.’

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Jason Collins, a 32 year old car salesman from Solihul, has confirmed that creating his own Wikipedia entry to impresss his friends was an inspired move that is sure bring him fame and fortune. Collins said his initial entry ‘Summarised my life quite nicely. It said when and where I was born, talked about my parents and described himself as being ‘Recognised as an ambitious but grounded individual, certain to achieve much in life.’

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Finance manager Derek Sanders of Bromsgrove is in hiding following a humiliating visit to a guitar shop with his son Matt, 17. Derek said in a telephone interview that he’d only been trying to encourage his son to do something constructive. ‘In my day we didn’t have laptops and Xboxes,’ he said. ‘If we didn’t want to watch rubbish like On the Buses we had to make our own entertainment.’

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The Christian world is celebrating today after the direct, unadulterated word of God was passed down to a Nuneaton man in the form of an updated set of commandments, saved on a brand new Apple iPad tablet.

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