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UK-Biscuit

Channel Tunnel NOT a gateway to Narnia

And anyway, Aslan's been shot by a dentistThe Ministry of Defence has been forced to release a blanket denial that Calais’ entrance to the UK is the portal to a fantasy kingdom of bounteous social benefits and friendly characters from classic British fiction. Sadly, immigrants have been flooding into the area under this mistaken belief that they will get to meet Aslan, hobbits and the cast of ‘Glee’.

Nightly, hundreds of desperate stowaways risk their lives to get a peek of the animals of Farthing Wood who they believe are waiting at the other end. One migrant admitted: ‘The UK is the land of milk and honey – resting on the backs of four huge elephants and one enormous space turtle. And where else can you claim child benefit for dependents living outside the UK, while at the same time sending you other kids to Hogwarts?’

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New Channel Tunnel back to North Africa unveiled

That'll sort itAfter months of top-secret excavation work, the results of a major Anglo-French construction project have been unveiled today: a brand-new extension of the Channel Tunnel that will take would-be migrants from Calais straight back to a currently undisclosed location in North Africa.

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Play Doh clean-up enters third week

evil is among us...A team of experts and volunteers at 79 Chillworth Road, Tavistock, are still struggling to cope with a major environmental clean-up, three weeks after a group of children were allowed to play unsupervised with Play Doh.

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Salmond: Second Bannockburn ‘inevitable’

Tomorrow? Belongs to me, ya ken!In his usual, measured, non-inflammatory manner, the ex-leader of the Scottish National Party Alex Salmond has insisted he will soon retake Stirling Castle and shove a red hot poker ‘up the arse’ of David Cameron to avenge both historical and current slights on a proud and powerful nation.

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Staplers to be made illegal

Finally, an end to 'lock and load'Thousands of office workers today had to make the choice between flushing their staplers down the toilet or facing the wrath of the police, as it was announced that the Government has made the possession of a stapler a criminal offence.

Speaking to the press earlier, Prime Minister David Cameron said ‘Staples are sharp, dangerous, and highly addictive. A staple-user is not only a menace to himself, but also to society. Before long a user will find himself sleeping in the gutter, cackling madly to the pigeons as he staples sodden Metros to leaflets about the salvation of Jehovah.’

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