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UK-Biscuit

Puppets speak out about abuse at the hands of ‘cruel ventriloquist’

'he seemed so normal on the outside...'Dozens of the nation’s puppets have today spoken about their years of suffering in the hands of ventriloquist Keith Harris, in the wake of his death this week.

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Lurpak on offer at Asda, says your wife’s mother at six in the frigging morning

and then she just wants to eat it, for heaven's sakeAccording to sources close to your wife, which during the last five seconds have have been positively identified with her mother, Lurpak is on sale at 40% off in Asda this week. The news emerged in a phone call that woke you 40 seconds ago from a dream about Little Mix playing netball in blue pleated skirts at two minutes past six, for f*ck’s sake.

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Hatton Garden raid response ‘within guidelines’, say police

'Hatton, Hatoff, it's all the same to us'Police looking into the hole in the wall at Hatton Garden after a vault heist confirmed that their response is entirely in line with current policy to downgrade minor crimes such as domestic burglary.

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Bigamy arrest near St Ives leads police to cat-trafficking ring

I've heard about this: cat smuggling!After a tip-off from an anonymous individual travelling to St Ives, the police have arrested James Green, 38, from Wolverhampton, for bigamy. In what is believed to be a severe case of benefit fraud, Green was allegedly found to be legally married to seven different women, all of whom appeared to accept the situation as they were travelling with him in one group.

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Blair named as Middle-England Peace Envoy in ongoing Clarkson row

determined to take the 'larks' out of ClarksonThe government confirmed today that Tony Blair is to take on the weighty responsibility as mediator in the Clarkson Crisis before the UK descends into all-out civil war.

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