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Police launch taskforce to tackle hipster-on-hipster violence

The Metropolitan Police have announced that they are forming a new task force – the Urban Beardsman Unit – to tackle the growing problem of hipster-on-hipster violence.

Some areas of East London are now regarded by many as a no-go area with gangs of bearded young men roaming the streets.

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ITV to have advertisements during Peston pauses

TV commercials will feature during gaps in Robert Peston’s ‘idiosyncratic’ speech, when he joins the independent broadcaster next year.

ITV spokesperson Micky Smyth told a press conference that said the idea would both enhance ITV shareholder’s profits and provide a useful way of informing viewers without compromising editorial standards or impartiality. Products to be unpredictably ‘micro-advertised’, while Peston thinks up what to say next include holidays in Egypt, male grooming products and something else, as yet not thought of but probably just as commercially lucrative.

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IS planning lolcats response to the Investigatory Powers Bill

British intelligence agencies are bracing themselves tonight after revelations that terrorist groups are planning to combat the new Investigatory Powers Bill with bulk trite social media posts. An insider warned that ‘Cat videos and macaroni cheese recipes will be used indiscriminately to demoralise and dishearten the infidel analysts.’

Under-resourced spymasters are furious that the Bill does not allow them to launch smart-missiles at anyone posting an Internet link to ‘That trick doctors don’t want YOU to know.’ Looking haggard and waspish, Ms Kristina DeVille from GCHQ said ‘No-one understands the stress my operators are under having to sift through tons of tedious crap only to hit a link about ‘One Weird Tip to Melt Belly Fat’, which can then cause their heads to explode. And if I have to read one more INT report about mawkish videos with the words ‘you will not BELIEVE what happens next…’, I will not be answerable for my actions.’

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‘Quids Company’ launched to assist impoverished charity chiefs

Ex charity chiefs, whose funding has dried up, are to be supported by a brand new charity ‘Quids Company’ following claims that they are likely to face severe personal hardship and social deprivation after years of financial enrichment.

The new charity will help deprived and vulnerable charity bosses in London, Liverpool and Bristol to come to terms with the ending of lucrative funding strands. A telephone support line, part funded by cash that should have gone to The Samaritans but somehow got diverted, will help those coping with the stress of any criminal investigations. Money will also be set aside to fight future legal battles and to help extended members of their families keep their mouths shut.

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RMT to protest about ‘any and all future improvements to the tube’

The Rail and Maritime Transport Union, which represents the majority of staff working on the London underground, has initiated a major change of policy.  Instead of protesting about each individual improvement to the tube network as it has suggested, they plan to protest now about all the improvements currently proposed, and any more they come up with in future.

‘It’s all part of improving efficiency and streamlining the service we provide our members,’ said one union official.  ’Rather than organising a new bespoke protest every time, we’ll put together one all-encompassing protest about progress in general, and simply wheel it out whenever it’s needed…

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