With supermarket shelves already being stripped of Top Gear Box Sets and black arm-bands for white van drivers, the former British Prime Minister is believed to be the ‘only man for the job’ after his recent success in bringing lasting irony to the middle-east.
The living relatives of Richard III, the last English king to perish in battle, are now faced with a bill of over £100,000 from Leicester City Council for a parking space the monarch occupied for well over five hundred years.
A spokesman for the council said: ‘We don’t care who you are; you can’t avoid Hawkeye Parking Enforcement sensors. Given that Richard arrived at the site about half a millennium before we installed the system, we didn’t clock him arriving, but we saw the whole exhumation thing. He’s been down there for ages. We are fully within our rights to issue parking fines retrospectively, even to those with alleged spinal disabilities.’
Liverpool Street Station today became a hive of activity as engineers working on London’s ambitious Crossrail project, tunnelling through the bedrock, broke into a cavernous area and discovered a group of commuters who had been missing for 40 years.
‘We had some seriously scary moments last week’, explained an officer. ‘Last Thursday this guy from Leeds told a complete stranger his name, his business, everything. A complete stranger! Even worse, he was called Alan, and people thought he was saying something about ‘Allah’ and legged it down the carriage.’
After 30 years of hard labour at a top investment bank, city worker, Alan Baxter, has finally admitted that he no longer needs to rush on the London Underground. This painful realisation has come at the cost of 3 divorces and child support payments to 4 daughters who like Prada but refuse to acknowledge his existence.