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Southerners have been horrified to discover that Andy Burnham's 'Northernification' of the UK will include them being forced to wear clogs and breed whippets.

A Conservative party member is said to be feeling hugely let-down after being promised hot 'blue on blue action' by the media this week, in the Tory leadership contest. Humphrey Page-Turner, 66, had drawn his curtains and turned his phone to do not disturb to enjoy the televised debate between the remaining candidates alone in the privacy of his Berkshire home, but was left perplexed by the mild content that resulted. 'There was literally nothing to merit the 18+ rating I had

Electricians have poured cold water - never a good idea when electricity is involved - on the new Prime Minister's call for a 'circuit breaker' for the entire country. 'It's just not practical,' said Des from Bromley.

Andy Burnham's neighbours in Warrington are receiving fashion guidance to ensure that anybody in close proximity to the new PM meets the approval of online harridans.

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Ace deal maker and definitely not a loser Donald Trump is working to fix the Iran War. 'It's just about making a deal,' said the President in a rare moment of lucidity on waking from his late afternoon nap.

The Forde report has proven that Labour's right wing deliberately destroyed their chances of election victory, something Liz Truss has only managed to achieve by accident. An aide remarked: 'Labour officials worked tirelessly at sabotage, whereas our Liz only needs to stare vacantly at the camera, while she shouts something unintelligible about cheese. 'Ideally we'd like to be Machiavellian but Liz is barely Mac 'n' Cheese. Just by drawing breath, she can take 10% off your po