NewsBiscuit

A 20-year-old straight man has told of his terror at being set upon by a gang of openly gay thugs.

The victim told reporters that earlier that evening he had been the subject of a series of bitingly waspish remarks from what had either been two men and a woman, one man and two women, three very effeminate men or three very butch women. Their comments, which were of a ribald nature, were accompanied by a lot of ‘oohs’ and ‘ahs’ and high-pitched shrieking.

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Fire and rescue services would be much better if staffed by ultra-powered giant robots, according to an independent review commissioned by the Government.

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Graduate trainee social workers will handle complex cases after five weeks and be well on the way to depression and a nervous breakdown within just two months, under a new fast-track training scheme unveiled today by the Government.

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Police in Greater Manchester are questioning a 93 year old man in relation to an alleged series of self-abuse incidents which took place in the 1940s.

It is understood that the man was arrested following claims by a former girlfriend that he had confessed to performing self-abuse while they were still in a relationship.

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In a move that stunned many of the country’s fans, Britain today issued a formal statement saying it was coming out as openly racist.

Giving his reaction to the UK’s ‘outing’, President Obama simply said: ‘Shit.’

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