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Ill-informed Cumbrians readying for Scottish invasion

fears that reserves of Kendal Mint cake could fall into enemy handsAn eery silence has descended on Cumbria. The people are edgy, suspicious. Violence erupts in odd little bursts – a chip-shop owner advertising ‘deep fried anything’ is publicly flogged as a sympathiser; a man is stoned for telling a Billy Connolly joke.

Thousands are fleeing to the safety of Carlisle’s walls. Others are on the hilltops, eyes scouring the horizon, preparing to light the beacons at the first sign of ‘Men in Skirts’.

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Edinburgh hookers say prices may have to rise in event of Yes vote

Edinburgh nightsIn what is seen as a further blow to the campaign for Scottish independence hundreds of Edinburgh prostitutes have signed a letter sent to the Scotsman newspaper claiming that they may have to raise their prices in the event of a Yes vote in next Thursday’s referendum.

The letter states, ‘Due to the potential increase in the cost of living in an independent Scotland and the associated economic constraints it is inevitable that the cost of sexual services such as hand-jobs, blow-jobs and other non-specific kinky stuff that you would never get your wife to do will have to increase if workers in the sex industry are to maintain a reasonable standard of living’.

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Persistent cold callers and chuggers face new ‘badgerer cull’

Cute, furry creatures 'don't stand a chance'Following last year’s unsuccessful culling campaign, the Government has today announced plans for a second attempt at reducing the ‘badgerer’ population. Up to 70% of badgerers who spend their days harassing the public on the street or on the phone in attempts to extract money from them are to be culled in 2014, in an operation designed to put an end to the unpopular practice.

Last year’s attempt at culling badgerers was considered by critics to be ‘ineffective’. The Government targets for the number of personal injury compensation badgerers to be dealt with in 2013 were not met, leading to the proliferation of a new generation of ‘PPI compensation badgerers’ this year. Environment Minister Liz Truss is keen to set new targets, although she insists the aims of the badgerer cull have not changed, saying: ‘The badgerers have not moved the goalposts.’

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Polish Jack the Ripper ‘probably had a free council house too’, claim UKIP

The mystery surrounding Britain’s most notorious serial killer ‘Jack the Ripper’ has finally been solved this week, after ‘conclusive DNA evidence’ revealed him to be Polish immigrant Aaron Kosminski, a hairdresser living in Whitechapel. The startling revelation has caught the attention of the world, including UKIP, who have already claimed that Kosminski was ‘probably a sponger’.

‘This just proves that, even nineteenth-century England would have been a safer place, had UKIP been around’, said party leader Nigel Farage today. ‘Looking at his handy work, I always guessed he was eastern European. He no doubt arrived illegally and was given a massive council house, or whatever the equivalent was back then’.

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Mystery surrounds repeated absences of ‘useless fat pillock’ salesman

‘HR have established that he is 43% more likely to be away one week either side of the full moon than the new moon and this must be statistically significant,’ said Clark, author of the forthcoming ‘Secrets of the Wolf People’. ‘Whether he is in a sinister cult that pretend to be wolves to worship the Greek moon goddess Artemis at night or his migraines are caused by the fluctuating tides I have yet to establish.’

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