NewsBiscuit

The outcome of the campaign for Scottish independence has been thrown into doubt following reports that the border between Scotland and England has been stolen.

The theft, which has left locals, tourists and SatNav manufacturers in a state of confusion, is believed to have been carried out by a gang of international frontier thieves who steal borders from across Europe and then sell them to developing countries with poorly defined or maintained frontiers. While thefts of small parts of European borders have been on the increase in recent years, this is believed to be the first time the gang has stolen a border in its entirety.

Read more >

An undercover police operation has revealed that a Mafia-like organisation is behind the huge number of retired people queuing in banks and post offices during lunchtimes. Pensioners across the country are being strategically deployed between noon and 2pm to bring frustration and anger to the working public under the overall control of one man known only as ‘The Godgrandfather.’

Read more >

‘The benefits system should be about incentivising people,’ said the Work and Pensions Secretary, ‘and by placing benefits on the tops of mountains we are encouraging the unemployed to get off their backsides and make a bit more of an effort.’

Under the new system all benefit payments will be hidden somewhere on the top of a high peak. ‘It could be on Mount Snowdon; it could be Scafell Pike,’ explained Mr Duncan Smith. ‘That’s the fun of the system. And just to keep people on their toes, sometimes there won’t be any benefit at all.’

Read more >

Police and charity workers have liberated a 47-year-old woman from a terraced house in the suburbs of London after being alerted to claims that she had been living there for over 20 years during which time she repeatedly had to cook, clean and iron with barely a word of thanks. A 52-year-old man, described by police as ‘a miserable git’, was arrested at the scene.

‘People think that domestic servitude is a thing of the past, but it isn’t so,’ said campaign leader Andrea Marsden. ‘Here, in 21st century Britain, something like this could still be going on in the street where you live. My case workers are already describing this as the worst case of serial insensitivity they have ever seen’.

Read more >

In a frank interview with the Economist, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, loveable upper-class scatterbrain George Osborne has revealed that the British Economy is in fact being run by his unflappable Manservant, Smedley.

Read more >