NewsBiscuit

Angry dog-walkers are threatening to hang on to the bodies of murder victims unless the police act more quickly to return them. A spokesman for the Ramblers Association said their members were fed up with having to hassle the police to get the corpses back after officers had finished with their forensic inquiries.

‘We found the bodies, and the police are abusing our goodwill by holding on to them for an unacceptable length of time,’ he said. ‘Sometimes we don’t get them back at all, and when we do get them back they are often not in the condition that we found them in.’

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After protests from environmentalists, Gloucestershire Police are to stop using CS gas sprays on violent suspects and will carry a deodorant-style roll-on version instead. A leaked memo sent to area commanders gives details of how suspects must be told to get their hands up so trained officers can move in rapidly to apply the roll-on to one or both exposed armpits. Within seconds, the roll-on causes nausea, vomiting and streaming eyes while its sandalwood-and-musk scent creates a disabling degree of social embarrassment that can last several hours.

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A teenager who alleges she was forced to go on a week’s holiday to Cornwall with her parents, is to take her case to the European Court of Human Rights. Lawyers for sixteen-year-old Tracey Wilkinson, said they would argue that Miss Wilkinson’s wish to opt out of Article 8 on right to family life had been violated by her parents’ unreasonable and disproportionate insistence that she accompany them on a week long caravan holiday to the far west of Cornwall.

Lawyer John Robertson QC, said ‘We believe our client is entitled to substantial compensation for the distress caused to her by her Cornwall ordeal, the unlawful enforced separation from her mates, and the fun she missed out on which included an important party, a shoplifting trip to Accessorize, and at least one sleepover with her boyfriend, Zac.’

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A retriever puppy from London has complained of being constantly greeted with adoring gasps and being told how sweet she is. ‘Tollie’ a Nova Scotia retriever living in Clapham claims the endless adoring expressions of ‘Aaaahhh!’ and ‘Sweet!’are patronizing, demeaning and amount to a form of discrimination against puppies.

She has made a formal complaint to the Discrimination Awareness Officer at Lambeth Council, who responded ‘Aaah, she is soooo cute? Aren’t you a little schweeetie-pie, yes you are, yes!’

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Four hundred elderly women have today been freed from a factory in the Midlands where they were employed to ‘knit’ Shreddies for a pittance. Police were tipped off that the ‘Nanas’, made famous by recent advertising were being forced to work sixteen hour days seven days a week in atrocious conditions. When police raided the factory, they found many women close to death and several had to be put to sleep at their workstations as they became violent when officers tried to bring them to safety. One woman lashed out with her knitting needles and badly injured one officer, she was eventually cornered in a toilet cubicle and shot in the head.

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