NewsBiscuit

The Ministry of Defence is said to be drawing up plans to ‘stabilise’ Scotland in time for this year’s historic referendum. Leaked official documents have outlined a novel plan to send ‘lots of armed goodwill’ over the border, initially into friendly territory.

A squadron of the RAF regiment, two platoons of territorials, three linguists and a dog-handler from Essex are currently en-route to Carlisle in a fleet of minibuses. Meanwhile, members of the Royal Irish Regiment are said to be catching the evening Stranraer ferry, thus enacting an elegant ‘pincer movement’.

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The seaside town of Hastings is in uproar today as the police reopen the King Harold killing investigation once again. Posters have been erected on billboards all around the town appealing for witnesses to the murder over one thousand years ago.

‘It’s a waste of public money,’ said one resident, pointing out that every time the authorities rake over the ashes of the Troubles there are problems, such as reduced tourist traffic from France.

The Police Commissioner is unrepentant about reopening the enquiry, though. He pointed to the original report on the killing, the Bayeux Tapestry, and noted that as evidence it was a bit thin. ‘It’s worn at the edges, too,’ he said.

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Scottish nationalists are outraged at the disclosure that the revenue from Irn Bru is being siphoned off over the border. In secret moves by the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats, an order was made in 2012 making the land upon which Irn Bru production plants operate, English territory.

It is estimated that 15% of Irn Bru revenue will now end up in English coffers unless Scottish Independence can overturn the act.

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Concerns have been raised over the absence of missing child Madeline McCann from the headlines of the Daily Express. She has now not been seen for more than two days and observers are beginning to worry. One reader said, ‘You just get so used to her being around. We’ve seen her every morning over these last few years and she’s become like one of the family. I feel like we should organise a search party.’

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On the 30th anniversary of landmark sitcom Bottle Boys, Michael Gove has waded into a row over its depiction of milkmen in the early 80s.

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