NewsBiscuit

Soon-to-be-released terror suspect Abu Qatada has been advised by his new PR agent Max Clifford to start appearing on as many celebrity shows as he can in an attempt to improve his poor public image.

‘Abs, as he wants to be known from now on, has had a terrible time from the press over the last few years,’ explained Clifford. ‘The public want to deport him, but that’s just because they don’t know the real Abs. He’s a lovely lad really, heart of gold. What he wants to do is bare his soul on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories (although personally I’d rather be tortured in a prison cell in Jordan than talk to Piers Morgan) then try to move on. If Kerry Katona can get a second chance, surely anyone can.’

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The friendly snog with the driver could become a thing of the past on Brighton’s public transport network, as busy-body bus bosses have told employees that intimate contact with passengers is no longer acceptable.

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The bank informed Her Majesty that it had no option but to withdraw facilities, and that she could ‘stick her Knighthood right up her big fat Royal corgi’.

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Darren Peacock, 28, today announced his intention to give the coalition government a bit of breathing space by giving them a benefit holiday while he is on ‘an 18-month business trip’.

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Millions of Britons were left rolling their eyes and shrugging to each other today as it became clear that they had all chosen the same day to fake their own deaths in a bid to escape crippling debt, dysfunctional relationships or untenable positions at work.

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