UK-Biscuit
Finance manager Derek Sanders of Bromsgrove is in hiding following a humiliating visit to a guitar shop with his son Matt, 17. Derek said in a telephone interview that he’d only been trying to encourage his son to do something constructive. ‘In my day we didn’t have laptops and Xboxes,’ he said. ‘If we didn’t want to watch rubbish like On the Buses we had to make our own entertainment.’
The Christian world is celebrating today after the direct, unadulterated word of God was passed down to a Nuneaton man in the form of an updated set of commandments, saved on a brand new Apple iPad tablet.
Two elderly ‘neighbours from hell’, Malcolm and Maureen Rowbotham, have today been issued with the country’s first Overly Social Behaviour Order (OSBO) by Kingston Magistrate’s Court. This effectively bans the couple, 72 and 68, from acknowledging the existence of their neighbours in the Norbiton area.
The results of a new Government-commissioned inquiry have revealed that women benefit cheats are still earning less than their male counterparts. Despite a dramatic rise in the numbers of people claiming benefits in 2009, the figures show that the average female malingerer is still getting only 89p for every pound a male fraudster hoodwinks off the state.
The report recommends that more be done to create ‘Dole Models’ for young women to aspire to, and for a network of ‘drop-out’ centres to be established, where girl grifters can learn how to forge a dead relative’s signature or pull off a convincing limp.
Convicted fraudster Michelle is one of those helping to inspire the next generation of ‘ladybouts’. Michelle was nicknamed Miss X by fraud officers until they realised that she was using that name to sign on as well.
Millions of Brits are planning to spend their holidays at UK airports this summer, say travel agents. ‘People are already booking to spend their holidays at Heathrow and other major UK airports,’ said Tracey Jones of Heathrow Holidays Ltd. ‘People are being realistic and know a UK holiday is best and the airport is as far as you are going to go anyway.’
