NewsBiscuit

The small Dorset village of Fromley has been thrown into turmoil in recent weeks after a local plumber carried out a series of small jobs in a punctual, efficient and inexpensive manner. Many villagers have been left confused and are struggling to come to terms with the situation.

Margaret Taylor, a 38-year-old Fromley housewife was the first to notice that something was amiss three weeks ago. ‘Our downstairs toilet wasn’t flushing properly so I called a plumber called Kevin Hobbs I’d found in the Yellow Pages and he said he’d be round the next morning at 8,’ she said.

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As UK primary schools announce their allocated places, aspiring parents have been forced to make some tough decisions between living with the shame of an infant in an average OFSTED institution or to ‘cut their losses and run’.

Social services have observed a spiked increase in the number of Jacobs and Jemimas left outside orphanages with nothing but a small bowl of couscous, a Boden catalogue and a £20 M&S voucher.

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Hundreds of television journalists have taken photographs of themselves with bands of sticky tape fixed to their anuses.

The images form part of a campaign aimed at telling the world the relentless stream of crap known as ‘rolling news’ must never be stemmed by a return to more traditional journalistic values, such as proportion and relevance.

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The government is to introduce self-policing for UK law breakers. Unveiling the radical new scheme, government spokesman, Maria Miller, explained; ‘The old saying is ‘it takes a thief to catch a thief’ and this measure is simply an extension of how Parliament itself works. That system has met with such universal approval from the British public, that it seemed logical to trust people who continually try and avoid the police to henceforth police themselves.

The scheme, which has been launched to coincide with the beginning of the new avoiding-tax year, will involve muggers, burglars, car thieves and investment bankers being charged with making sure that no laws are breaking in the course of their law-breaking.

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A global audience, set to be in the millions, will witness a lavish TV spectacle combining mediocre athletics, the smugness of Alex Salmond and a ‘much needed’ nuclear deterrent. Glasgow is already committed to demolishing its iconic Red Road flats for the Opening Ceremony but has now been given the ‘green light’ to unleash atomic devastation on the remains of the city, leaving nothing but a deep-fried mushroom cloud in its place.

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