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The news before it happens…

UK-Biscuit

Rock Dad in hiding after failing to play Stairway to Heaven in guitar shop

wouldn't even do the Rolf Harris versionFinance manager Derek Sanders of Bromsgrove is in hiding following a humiliating visit to a guitar shop with his son Matt, 17. Derek said in a telephone interview that he’d only been trying to encourage his son to do something constructive. ‘In my day we didn’t have laptops and Xboxes,’ he said. ‘If we didn’t want to watch rubbish like On the Buses we had to make our own entertainment.’

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Modern-day Moses receives Commandments 2.0 on iPad tablet

God advising everyone to covet OS XThe Christian world is celebrating today after the direct, unadulterated word of God was passed down to a Nuneaton man in the form of an updated set of commandments, saved on a brand new Apple iPad tablet.

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Surrey magistrates hit couple with first ‘Overly Social Behaviour Order’

old_coupleTwo elderly ‘neighbours from hell’, Malcolm and Maureen Rowbotham, have today been issued with the country’s first Overly Social Behaviour Order (OSBO) by Kingston Magistrate’s Court. This effectively bans the couple, 72 and 68, from acknowledging the existence of their neighbours in the Norbiton area.

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Female benefit cheats still earning less than male counterparts

woman watching tellyThe results of a new Government-commissioned inquiry have revealed that women benefit cheats are still earning less than their male counterparts. Despite a dramatic rise in the numbers of people claiming benefits in 2009, the figures show that the average female malingerer is still getting only 89p for every pound a male fraudster hoodwinks off the state.

The report recommends that more be done to create ‘Dole Models’ for young women to aspire to, and for a network of ‘drop-out’ centres to be established, where girl grifters can learn how to forge a dead relative’s signature or pull off a convincing limp.

Convicted fraudster Michelle is one of those helping to inspire the next generation of ‘ladybouts’. Michelle was nicknamed Miss X by fraud officers until they realised that she was using that name to sign on as well.

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Airports are major holiday destination for Brits in 2010

family_sleeping_in_airportMillions of Brits are planning to spend their holidays at UK airports this summer, say travel agents. ‘People are already booking to spend their holidays at Heathrow and other major UK airports,’ said Tracey Jones of Heathrow Holidays Ltd. ‘People are being realistic and know a UK holiday is best and the airport is as far as you are going to go anyway.’

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