Updated: Feb 9, 2025
Winner: tonymc
Runners-Up:
"Jane resorted to using the A-Z to figure out where she was." (Sinnick);
"Tourist waits days for London bus." (MrQ)
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February 2024...
Politic mudslinging in Britain continued, as election fever tightened its grip. The government continued to do nothing, which it considered the least worst option, while factions inside the Conservative Party knocked seven bells out of each other. Keir Starmer continued his policy of promising nothing, and talked tough to keep his recalcitrant troops into line.
In the US, Joe Biden (‘the gaffer’) continued to insist that he could beat Donald Trump, and wouldn’t quit the race. Trump continued to do and say strange things. How we laughed.
In other news, royal illnesses loomed large. In the world of sport, we ran the prophetic story ‘Tom Hartley to be fast-tracked to cricketing failure’. And we had some topical Valentine’s Day posts.
Here’s a personal selection of the top stories from February 2024, loosely organised by topic. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see a selection of the month’s best headlines.
Politics UK
Politics USA
Royal News
Valentine’s Day
Sport and Lifestyle
And a selection of the best headlines from February 2024
Including all the other news – taxes, net zero, Navalny, the green belt, Covid inquiry, and Gaza. We are fearless. We can make fun of almost anything….
Airfix modeller struggling with the transfer window
Overworked journalists ask Tories for just one scandal at a time
Popular Conservatives even less popular than actual Conservatives
Chancellor to raise taxes to fund tax cuts
Hermit orders contactless debit card
Pulping companies eagerly await copies of Liz Truss's new book
'My memory is fine' - Biden tells coat rack
Trawler men admit net zero isn't working for them
‘I remember when all this were buildings,’ says Gazan grandfather
Navalny felt unwell after walk to clifftop, prison officials say
Failed pop star says he's bored hitless
Green belt loosened
Ozone Layer accused of Massive Cover-Up
‘Sturgeon harvested my tears before Covid Inquiry attendance,’ says crocodile
Netanyahu sets up Frontières Sans Médecins
Man found guilty of overusing commas is told to expect a very long sentence
'Aim for the stars' Oscars sniper told
Teachers astonished to learn they only do 26 hours unpaid overtime a week
Picture credit: Wix AI
A man with an extraordinary likeness to Boris Johnson has denied being the Prime Minister, calling for all police investigations into his alleged Covid rules breaches to cease.
‘This has been a bally awful confusion over my identity,’ the man told a press conference held in Downing Street last night. I’d like to thank the real Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister, who last night went missing, for giving me this opportunity to clear my name. At this jolly difficult time, I would appreciate it if, if if if the media would give me and my my my wife Carrie, my children Wilf and, er er the other ones, the privacy we deserve after this ghastly experience based on sheer coincidence.’
The Johnson look-alike was asked what his name was and admitted it was 'Boris Johnson', in inverted commas, as opposed to the missing Prime Minister’s name which is unpunctuated. ‘Boris Johnson’ promised to provide a copy of his birth certificate which shows the inverted commas. He also promised to provide a picture of him and ‘the real’ Boris Johnson at a Downing Street party, thereby demonstrating there are two Boris Johnsons, one entirely innocent, the other entirely absent.
Later Prince Andrew observed that such photographs are easily forged, while issuing a similar denial, claiming to be ‘the other Prince Andrew’. The Telegraph later reported that two Prince Andrews were secretly born as identical twins, and he was the one who never met Geoffrey Epstein and spent his whole life in the shadows, much of it working ‘behind the scenes’ in Pizza Express Woking, only transferring to Mama Dough’s in Reigate after being spotted by Royal correspondents and former victims.
Boris Johnson left a note before his disappearance saying ‘All regulations at the work event at which I met my doppelganger were followed, but unavoidable circumstances mean I now have to disappear. However, this ‘Boris Johnson’ character with whom I hit it off quite markedly would make a great substitute here at Number, er, er, er Ten, not least because he is free from the taint of rule breaking, whereas it may take months to clear my name while I am unavoidably in the Caribbean. While I am away I will be investigating serious claims that the Leader of the Opposition was responsible for the crimes of the Yorkshire Ripper, Jimmy Saville and that bloke who flushed away his victims down the drain in a TV documentary I saw last night.’
He went on to say that opposition claims of deception were ‘a tissue of lies not worth sneezing into.’
First published 3 Feb 2022
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