UEFA hope to knobble Russia by taking GazProm sponsorship

An UEFA spokesman confirmed today that the organisation intended continuing its commercial association with Gazprom. 'Think about it - we're bleeding the Russian company dry with every football match we host worldwide - it's the most cunning thing we could think of. We did consider - very briefly - taking a moral stand, but given our reputation nobody would have believed it anyway,' he added.

In related news, NewsBiscuit has also confirmed it will attempt to bleed Russian sponsors dry, strangling the finances of the Russian commercial sector. 'Anyone who has invested a bean in NewsBiscuit will understand what a financial drain that is,' said a spokesperson. 'We're going to bleed Putin dry one satirical article at a time,' he said. A Kremlin spokesperson confirmed that President Putin was 'Quivering in his boots and insisted that NewsBiscuit withdraw from satire immediately' and threatened to surround the NewsBiscuit HQ with thousands of funny Russians 'if we can find any.'

Image: Pixabay/jarmoluk

Johnson says he didn't realise parties were work

Boris Johnson's office has clarified that the reason he only stayed at the Downing Street 'work meeting' for 25 minutes was that he didn't realise that he worked there. In fact, according to a statement released exclusively to his most trusted media organisation (NewsBiscuit), he has only recently become aware that he is the Prime Minister of the UK.

"I may have spent some time in Downing St, but I thought I was at a party, and so I take no responsibility for our tragically chaotic on-off covid response and anything else that may have happened in the last 2 years" says the letter. "I suppose, looking back, it was a very long-running party, and I did wonder why people kept going on about politics - i mean, 'what should we do about Europe?' f@*ked if I know, or care. Yes, and there was this little scruffy prep school bod who seemed to be angry all the time. But all in all it was rather agreeable: for two years the fizz kept flowing and the female company was charming, so, mine not to reason why, I thought. Oh, hello Carrie!"

The statement has caused a constitutional crisis, with some experts claiming this means everything Johnson's government has done is illegal, instead of only 90% of their actions being criminal as everyone previously thought.

While the statement was initially expected to lead to his departure from the job he didn't realise he was supposed to be doing, MPs, party members and citizens at large are in fact calling on him to stay in post after hearing that the concluding part of the statement reads "I now realise it was a all a bit of a cock-up, as Suetonius put it, and I suppose I should go now. So I'll just leave Jacob and Ravey Govey in charge, eh?".

Image: Pixabay/geralt