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Lego to Replace Bitcoin - and other stories


NewsBiscuit – the media outlet that brought such scoops as ‘Queen punches Emma Watson’, ‘Dog wins custody of Johnny Depp’ & ‘Piers Morgan beheaded by CNN’.


NewsBiscuit – who warned ‘Hobbits to be culled’, ‘Ducks to become our new Overlords’ and ‘Public told not to download naked photos of Steven Seagal’.


NewsBiscuit - raising delicate issues of faith, such as 'Child finds Jesus in her Kinder Surprise™', 'Jedis still outnumber Nuns' and 'Pope fails to give birth'.


NewsBiscuit – the first to reveal ‘Last man to fake Moon walk dies’, ‘Chocolate bars aren’t smaller, we’re just fatter’ and the prophetic 'Sex originated in Scotland and will probably end there'.


NewsBiscuit. Not a biscuit. Definitely not news.


Another backdated compilation of NewsBiscuit from befgore the start of time - or shortly after



REVIEWS


W. Shakespeare: ‘If only I’d thought of it first.’


Johannes Gutenberg: ‘It’s what the printing press was invented for.’


Amazon Reviewer: ‘What do you mean I can’t get a refund?’


Lego to Replace Bitcoin makes a great gift for your friends and for yourself





Newsbiscuit: Best of July 2024

July 2024


On the fourth of July 2024 the United Kingdom finally achieved independence from its Tory government. The Labour Party, led by a famous toolmakers' son, won a landslide victory on a campaign about change. Nothing else. Just change. The results were so bad that Reform won four seats. Keir Starmer and Rachel Reeves polished a new double act with a sketch called ‘Tory Black Hole’ that they repeated every day. Their oft-repeated catchphrase was about ‘tough decisions’.


Later in the month, a crack marksman shot a small hole in Donald Trump’s earlobe, giving him more hours of priceless publicity for his Presidential campaign. The assassination attempt proved fatal for Joe Biden, and his campaign was finally ended for him, because he couldn’t remember anything appropriate or useful. Catching Covid was the final straw.


In real news, the England (men’s) football team made it to the final of the Euros. In order to fulfil an important national stereotype, they were contractually obliged to lose, which they obligingly did. Gareth Southgate was widely seen as having done a good job, and obviously, therefore, had to go. In tennis, Wimbledon. In other sport, the Paris Olympics began. The opening ceremony went on for miles, and seemingly for days. The central theme seemed to be about torrential rain. Thames Water weren’t sponsoring the swimming events in the Seine, but they should have been. Anti-sport activists disrupted the French rail service.


There were widespread IT problems when CrowdStrike, the cybersecurity ‘experts’ messed up a software update and caused problems around the world. Switching it off and on again didn’t help.


In entertainment news, the involuntary manslaughter case against Alec Baldwin was dismissed because the prosecution had withheld evidence. And Thames Water’s credit rating was downgraded to junk status – due to ‘insufficient liquidity’. Lol.


Here is a selection of the top stories from July 2024. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


General Election

Sport

US politics

Other big stories


Headlines

CrowdStrike advises GPs to ring at 8am to book an appointment

Man suspected of meat theft faces grilling

Alec Baldwin discharged

Cheshire supergrass enters Widnes protection programme

Fears for COVID after it contracts Joe Biden

Reports of spiking incident at jousting competition

St Swithin predicts no England footie win for the next 40 years

Unkempt incontinent let himself go

Post Office report all their computers are running fine

Man looking forward to Gavin and Stacey special doesn't get out much

Raducanu fans say they understand problem of stiff wrists

Tory HQ, "We're gonna need a bigger vote!"

Russia wins early gold in Olympics Sabotage event

Trump shooter “posed an ear and present danger”

Biden 'I will continue my bid for re-electrician'

Prisoners left in corridors whilst waiting for cells to become available

Scottish bog gets world heritage status - but I'd give it 10 minutes

Farage MP's to be sent to Reform School

UK prepares to be disappointed by Labour government for a change

Chris Grayling's first week at CrowdStrike going supremely well



Picture credit: Wix AI

Five Go Dobbing in the Neighbours


Uncle Quentin was seen in Smuggler’s Cove, without a mask,’ exclaimed Julian.


‘What a frightful bore,’ said George. ‘Doesn’t he know that Timmy has an undying medical condition? He keeps eating poisoned food’.


They said it couldn’t be done. A new NewsBiscuit annual. Or maybe it was ‘shouldn’t’. That’s right, it shouldn’t be done. In fact, there was a petition. Maybe a march or two? Now that I think about it, there was a Court Order. People chaining themselves to railings. The threat of a military coup.


But we said to hell with them. We were going to publish. Regardless of the suffering and derisory sales. If we could get Brexit done, how hard would it be to write a NewsBiscuit book?


BTW how’s the Brexit thing going?


From the same team that brought you 'Fifteen Years of Typos' comes an extensive anthology of twelve months of fake news from the UKs original fake news site, Newsbiscuit. Over 800 carefully curated comedy fake news articles and more than 700 one-line news gags all together in one volume written by some of the funniest and most creative comedy writers known to work for free.


Articles drawn from September 2020 until August 2021, approximately mirroring events in the real world, include:



Bloke in pub to join Cabinet


NATO to tut and shake their heads at Russia


Second wave of press conferences to hit the UK


National Fiasco Memorial built in the wrong place


Coronavirus will be with us for between two years and forever, say scientists


Biden selects Kamala Harris to be his running-mate and carer


Government finally admits it has 'no idea' why we have daylight saving time


and hundreds more


Five Go Dobbing in the Neighbours makes a great gift for friends and to yourself





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