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GB News ‘devastated’ by the death of their only viewer

Updated: Jan 9, 2022



The GB News presenters and crew were said to be shocked and saddened by the news that their only viewer passed away yesterday. They were even more shocked and saddened to hear the news first from the BBC.


Tom Thirkettle, 75, had watched the channel since it first aired. His daughter June described him as a one-off and said although he would be greatly missed there was consolation in knowing he died doing what he loved best, shouting in agreement at another Dan Wootton monologue.


For GB News, Tom’s passing means a temporary hiatus in the scheduling. A spokesperson told us, “Having just the one viewer did have advantages in that presenters could take time off if we knew Tom was not in front of the TV. Like that time he was unwell and had to recuperate upstairs. But now we need to find a replacement and quickly. Perhaps we’ll advertise in the Guardian.”


When asked if it was worth the effort, they said they took a dim view of any suggestion that they should call time on the station. Although with their lighting setup they admitted they took a dim view of most subjects.


However, GB News did at least get a chance to pay a very quick tribute to Tom this morning when a viewer from Essex tuned in for a couple of minutes during the Great British Breakfast, before hastily departing again, presumably looking for an adult channel.






Tories to form breakaway Super League of Lobbying

Updated: Nov 26, 2021



Conservative MPs have criticised the House of Commons’ Standards Committee for failing to show a sufficiently convivial fraternal spirit, as the Parliamentary Premier League of Lobbying is rocked with rumours of a breakaway.


Right-wing commentator Clementine Carruthers said ‘Honest Conservatives have got no alternative but to reform the system so they can never be found guilty or face any consequences. They almost called it a European Super League of Lobbying, but Mark Francois’ face turned a shade of magenta I’ve never seen before. You can’t trust an MP not taking a kickback. What’s their agenda? They should have to sign a register and have the good grace to be embarrassed. For Tories, being an MP should more of a side hustle. The real green is in the brown envelopes.’






Hollywood greenlights new film - The Conte of Ouste Nuno

Updated: Dec 25, 2021



A Hollywood studio has given the go ahead to a new film of the timeless classic, The Conte of Ouste Nuno.


The story, thought to have been written by a well-known dumbass, sees the hapless Conte lured into a trap by the treacherous Levy de Manque d'Argent (literally - the north Londoner who lacks silver). Finding himself imprisoned miles away from civilisation in the Chateau Dire, Conte meets another prisoner, the Abbé Harrykané, who says he's been trying to escape for years. Harrykané claims to be so old he can remember Spurs winning something, and also tells Conte of a fortune in silverware, said to be housed in the Chateau's trophy room.


Using the spittle emitted whenever Harrykané speaks, the two of them wet the cement around their prison bars until they're loose enough to remove. When they're about to escape, Harrykané says he can't go with him as he's dying, though Conte suspects he's just feigning injury as usual. Conte breaks out and finds the trophy room, only to discover it contains nothing but dust and a small cup for jointly winning the FA Community Shield in 1991.


Embittered by this dashing of his hopes, Conte falls into a remorseless cycle of despair, anguish and self-pity i.e. he takes the Man United job.






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