Lord Voldemort, now revealed to be former Hogwarts student Tom Riddle, was today described by an advocacy group as a ‘beautiful man’, whose violent actions can be traced back to a ‘long campaign of harassment by the same schoolboy’.
A Harvard University study has challenged the mythical status of Bob Dylan by questioning the singer-songwriter’s key assertion that there are many situations in life where ‘the answer is blowin in the wind’. This claim had never been formally tested, but the theory may be finally laid to rest.
In a day of frantic bidding, Sky has won exclusive rights to Operation Yewtree raids, wresting control from the BBC. The move has won especial approval from the South Yorkshire Police Commissioner, who stated that his officers ‘were looking forward to working closely with Sky.’
In a separate statement officers from Operation Yewtree praised the BBC for its ‘unstinting professionalism’ and insisted that most Yewtree officers would ‘probably continue to purchase a TV Licence.’
Media analysts are warning that the impending release of the film ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ could lead to a sudden spike in spurious, made-up tosh in newspapers that could be used as an excuse to print a picture of a half-naked woman tied up and blindfolded in order to sell a few extra copies.