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ArtsBiscuit

Critically acclaimed street performer actually ‘pissed angry dosser’, says Fringe

Fringe Festival organisers have confirmed today that a man who has been delighting tourists on Edinburgh’s High Street is not an ‘artsy street performer’, but actually a local homeless man with alcohol issues and an aggressive personality disorder.

The clarification comes after the Guardian gave the man, known locally as ‘Mad Davie’, a five-star review. ‘Street theatre doesn’t get any better than this’, claimed critic Fenton Barnes in the misguided and widely-read review. ‘The boorishness of Mad Davie’s performance is a wonderful counterpoint to all that is going on around him – in Mad Davie’s hands being told to ‘eff off back where ye come from’ – is truly exhilarating.

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DIY show does makeover for normal, healthy family

Viewers of a DIY makeover show were left a little bemused last night as they watched the transformation of a house occupied by a normal healthy family. John Thompson, 49, and his wife Debra and two children were the lucky recipients of some fairly costly renovations to their ‘tired-looking’ home.

‘The producers asked me on arrival if I’d lost a child recently or if any of them were terminally ill, or disabled, or had Down Syndrome, spina bifida, meningitis, leukaemia, eating disorders, a colostomy bag or were being bullied or just ugly. My boy had tonsilitis a few years back but other than that everyone is fine,’ said Mr Thompson.

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Bill Oddie ‘will be next’, says massive cock

set to be woken up at 5am by the dawn chorus squadA new twist has emerged in the Operation Yewtree saga as details began to emerge of an undercover operation investigating a well-known ‘bird watcher’.

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Thousands desert London as Andrew Lloyd Webber announces return of Cats and Evita

Thousands of Londoners have been filmed leaving the capital in fear for their musical sanity this week, as rumours surfaced that Andrew Lloyd Webber intends to carpet bomb the West End with ‘theatrical turds’ from the 1980s. Not since the Great Fire of 1666 have so many people abandoned their homes so readily. One eyewitness reported seeing a father of three throw his young daughters into the Thames rather than expose them to ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’.

Refugees clutching tickets for ‘A Book of Mormon’ attest to being shell shocked at the news that such productions will be returning to London’s theatre land. Many fear that Webber’s planned attack on the city could mean that they will now be exposed to the next generation of Wayne Sleeps and Bonnie Langfords.

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Threat of Dolly Parton and Metallica fails to put off mud enthusiasts

Plimsoll Act headlining this yearFans of unsanitary fields of muck descended on Worthy Farm in their thousands today for the annual Glastonbury Festival, uninhibited by gloomy forecasts of performances by Dolly Parton, Lily Allen, Arcade Fire and Metallica. The Glastonbury Festival has long been the premier destination for aficionados of mud, and those who just want to ‘open their minds’ to new and challenging types of flooding.

This year’s festival promises a stellar line-up of waterlogged fields, fetid toilets and poor amenities. However, forecasters have predicted spates of shoegazing indie rock, unmitigating showers of experimental electronica, and a deluge of country & western scheduled for Sunday night. Revellers have also been warned to come prepared for outbursts of circus skills, poetry, theatre and comedy.

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