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The news before it happens…

ArtsBiscuit

1970s barmaid sues Sweeney for emotional distress

still refusing to 'shut it'Sandra Connor, a 58-year-old part-time clerical assistant from Dagenham, has made allegations to the Police Complaints Authority of sexist conduct on the part of two officers from the Metropolitan Police’s ‘Flying Squad’.

According to Connor, who was a buxom 22-year-old barmaid at the time, the incident occurred one night in April 1974, when Detective Inspector Regan and Seargent Carter raided the home of her then boyfriend, Frank Miller. Miller, a small-time crook from the East End of London, was suspected of leading a cigarette-smuggling ring.

‘Naturally I was stark naked,’ said Connor. ‘I woke up, sat bolt upright in bed with my breasts jiggling slightly and asked them what the hell they were doing.’

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Giant James May terrorises Kent after being given ‘wrong kind of growth hormones’

Oh, cock!Kent woke today to scenes of carnage after a giant James May roamed the countryside overnight, leaving a trail of destruction in his wake.

Scientists at the Kent Institute of Pharmacology admitted that May, 47, had agreed to take part in a trial of an experimental new drug aimed at getting middle-aged men to ‘just grow up’. Unfortunately the drug had the undesired effect of making him grow to five storeys tall, from which height it is believed that May’s instinct ‘to treat everything like a giant train set’ kicked in.

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BBC launch ‘tough’ new St John Ambulance drama

st john's ambulanceBBC bosses shocked their rivals today by announcing a new TV drama based on the extraordinary working and private lives of St John Ambulance volunteers. The drama named ‘Do you want a glass of water?’ is based on the hectic activities of the volunteers as they attempt to help the public cope with minor injuries and ailments.

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Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins fight for custody of liberal conscience

Susan Sarandon Tim RobbinsLawyers for the recently separated celebrity activists Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins have reached a provisional agreement dividing up their worth causes. Susan gets custody of the gay, lesbian and transgender issues while Tim gets to keep anti-racism, Nicaragua and AIDS. Shared custody has now been agreed over opposition to the death penalty with both parties getting access to death row inmates on alternate weekends.

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Alan Bennett doll was top-selling toy of 2009

Now with 'Eagle Eyes'The Toy Retailers Association has unveiled its list of the top five toys that are dominated Christmas lists this year. Toymakers largely played safe with a mixture of national treasures and action toys but gave them a technological or modern twist. Perhaps in reaction to the banking crisis, nostalgia was the biggest factor this year, with the number one toy being a ‘talking’ version of playwright Alan Bennett. The 75-year old is said to be surprised and slightly embarrassed at finding himself occupying the top spot.

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