Hot on the heels of surprise new albums from U2 and Beyonce, the music world has again been rocked by news that Radiohead had released their tenth album online three weeks ago. Postmortemism came out to coincide with the thirteenth anniversary of 9/11 and was deleted the following day, before anyone could become aware of its existence.
An urgent public health warning has today been issued after a dangerous virus that was supposed to be someone else’s problem arrived on Great Britain’s shores last night, having entered the country via a consignment of infected Apple devices. The virus is said to have already reached epidemic status.
The BBC have reacted by broadcasting public service messages giving information on how to delete the ‘e-Bono virus’ from infected phones and iPods, though nothing can be done about alleviating the early-onset symptoms, which include ear infections, drowsiness, and ‘ranting about Bono’s wrap-around specs’.
Nine Big Brother contestants received an official apology from Channel 4 today, after being accidentally left in the Big Brother House since its last showing on the channel four years ago. Two stunned producers discovered the group, who had formed a primitive society around their Big Brother ‘God’, when returning to the show’s previous location in Borehamwood.
‘We assumed that we had angered Big Brother in some way and were consequently a part of a never-ending task that the whole world was watching’, said one contestant Emma Davis, nervously cradling her two-year-old son who was born in the jacuzzi in the garden. ‘We jokingly asked BB for booze and party food for the first few months but nothing appeared, so we began pleading and praying, hoping something would turn up.
Critics have been calling for the Beeb to take action following a long term slump in viewing figures. ‘I’m sure it’s no coincidence that Mr Winky is a former CBeebies stalwart,’ suggested The Guardian’s TV critic Andrew Collins. ‘Many younger viewers will have fond memories of him in classic Teletubbies episodes such as the one where they all roll down a hill and the one when they find a bouncy ball.’
Fear has gripped online users who may have, in a furtive attempt to view intimate erotica of Jennifer Lawrence ‘before their family comes home’, inadvertently downloaded explicit images of Hollywood’s favourite martial arts veteran, ironic Buddhist and poster-boy for Cuprinol®. Although a sprightly 62, most teenage boys or frustrated husbands would admit that Mr. Segal’s squinty-eyed leer is not quite the same as a gyrating Kim Kardashian.