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Mr Blobby confirmed as new Co-op Chief Executive

has all the required qualificationsMottled 1990s variety performer Mr Blobby was confirmed last night as the new Chief Executive of the ailing Co-operative Bank.
The grinning pink and yellow inflatable would bring to the role of Chief Executive a greater sense of decorum, gravitas and reassurance to the bank’s customers than his predecessor, claimed one insider.

‘We’re delighted to have appointed Mr Blobby to lead our organisation through this difficult period. His name is synonymous with integrity, fiscal responsibility and prudent planning. And he’s thick skinned enough to bounce back from any early setbacks. Literally’.

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Lost tribe found in Amazon warehouse

no-one knew they were there or how primitive were their living conditionsSecret night filming has revealed for the first time a tribe untouched by civilization living deep within previously unexplored areas of Amazon’s Swansea warehouse.

Nicknamed ‘the pickers’ by anthropologists, they communicate only with grunts and beeps, and appear to live a very basic hunter-gatherer existence – hunting out cardboard boxes and gathering them into piles.

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Contrite Co-op Bank offers better financial products and great deals on crystal meth

hurry, while stocks can still be manipulatedThe newly appointed chief of the Co-Op Bank, Ursula Lidbetter, has hinted at an ‘exciting and lucrative’ change of direction for the business. At a hastily convened press conference the new Chief Executive, who gave her name only as “Heisenberg”, praised the spirit of mutuality on which the bank has always been based, which meant that customers would now be offered the innovative range of personal solutions that every other High Street Bank and their executives are currently keeping to themselves.

Products on offer include reasonable mortgages, competitive interest on savings and ‘Pure White’ and ‘Crystal Blue’ in small, neatly and discreetly branded packages at very competitive prices.

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Manager at Powerpoint presentation says ‘Robust’ and ‘Rigorous’ once too often. Bludgeoned.

audience 'empowered'A man described as a ‘twat in a senior management position, wearing a drecky Marks & Spencer two piece and light blue stay-pressed shirt (but, as if to claw desperately at the last remaining tendril of his humanity, without a tie)’ yesterday used the words ‘Robust and Rigorous’ one time too many and was found bludgeoned in front of a Powerpoint presentation featuring some crappy clip art of a stick figure with a light bulb over its head.

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Gas companies to compete on smell

EDF serving up caviar and truffles; Scottishpower scents themed around 'fried'E.On is experimenting with fresh coffee. British Gas is going for lemon zest. And N-Power invites you to a field of lilacs. In the ever competitive world of energy pricing, gas companies are enhancing their already very different brand identities with their own specially branded aromas.

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