Barclays CEO rescues six kittens from a bin, takes them to kids’ cancer ward
‘It’s what anyone would do,’ said Barclays CEO Bob Diamond after leaping in front of a rubbish truck to save six kittens discarded in a bin.
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Notorious criminal boss elects ‘not to accept bonus this year’
The overlord of an organised criminal gang yesterday announced that due to poor corporate performance and discovery of some questionable business practices, he will be foregoing his annual bonus this year.
RBS say ‘glitch’ that caused credit crunch now fixed
The Royal Bank of Scotland has today come out and apologised for the ‘minor glitch’ in its systems which caused it to almost crumble into bankruptcy and need a multi-billion pound bail-out from every UK taxpayer, with the possible exception of Jimmy Carr.
Britain’s banks downgraded to ‘bastards’
Britain’s banks are under fire once again, after rating agency Moody’s downgraded them to ‘a shower of bastards’. While investors at HSBC are still regarded by many observers as ‘pondlife’, several other major financial institutions fear they could lose their cherished status of ‘immoral grabbing shitbags’.
Furious Facebook investors pacified by amusing picture of kitten
As its share value continued to plummet towards zero in its first week of trading, social media giant Facebook has seen off a major revolt by thousands of furious shareholders by issuing a series of heartwarming and whimsical posts featuring kittens and other adorable internet memes.
Shares in the company were initially made available at $39 each last week. But they plummeted to barely $35 within hours of trading, as new shareholders logged onto Facebook for the first time. ‘I couldn’t believe it. It was just a bunch of solipsistic ramblings and inane platitudes being ascribed to the Dalai Lama,’ bemoaned first-time investor Alex Joseph. ‘All for $39 a pop. Thank you very much Mark fuckin’ Zuckerberg.’
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