Following a new swathe of bribery and corruption allegations being levelled at Glaxo Smithkline, the pharmaceutical industry has announced that henceforth it plans to promote its products through the power of ‘ribbons’, ‘spandex body suits’ and a judicious sprinkling of ‘jazz hands’.
Whitehall has agreed to allow G4S to bid for lucrative contracts again, on the condition that they ‘don’t make it too obvious’ when they’re defrauding the public purse of hundreds of millions of pounds.
At a press conference earlier today, a Treasury spokesman confirmed that a ‘gentlemen’s bargain’ had been struck, saying that ‘Ultimately, we know the private sector will always provide better value for money than our own bloated and befuddled ways. If we have to turn a blind eye to a few pens missing from the office, or bars of gold from the Bank of England, then that’s just the price we pay for the extraordinary expertise they bring in providing trained security guards for international events and tagging prisoners who are definitely alive and still under surveillance, rather than not really there at all, really.’
As the MtGox Exchange files for bankruptcy, virtual investors have been frantically looking for an alternative currency that could provide the twin qualities of stability and an ever present threat to bare feet.
A great white shark that was spotted crossing from one side of the Atlantic to the other is on its way to hold discussions with the board of directors at the Co-op Bank, according to the head of the expedition tracking it.