Britain was this morning swamped with zombies as the government’s controversial benefits cutback forcing those who are clearly dead but who have been deemed to be undead by Atos assessments, and therefore available for work, came into force.
Under the new Atos rules, silence in response to such questions as ‘do you like to eat brains’ now constitutes no defence at all against a charge that those interrogated could easily dig themselves out of a grave and lumber around slowly. They might even be able to carry something useful while they’re at it for the good of the nation, according to the Atos guidelines.
Rupert Murdoch has emerged as the leading candidate to secure lucrative contracts providing services to the National Health Service. The surprise announcement followed the recent restructuring of the coalition cabinet, with industry observers using their enormous breadth of knowledge on the subject, a degree of intuition, and the fact that Jeremy Hunt’s now in charge of Health to proclaim the move ‘a masterstroke’, ‘timely’, ‘shrewd business’ and ‘gawd ‘elp us all’.
Health experts have warned members of the public to be ‘on their guard’ for aristocratic parents and relatives, after discovering such symptoms dramatically increase the chances of contracting ‘poshness’.