Scientists and ‘guys with leather jackets’ have hailed the number of smokers across the world reaching the one billion mark as a ringing endorsement of nicotine, pulmonary disease, Dot Cotton and everyone who has appeared in a French film ever.
Affecting mainly self-loathing, middle-class fortysomethings whose boozy excesses during the festive season have led them to taking a ‘dry’ January, so-called ‘binge abstinence’ has side-effects which often prove fatal.
Dr. Kate Thompson from Guys Hospital Accident and Emergency Unit says, ‘Since about the 3rd of January, we’ve been under huge pressure every night. We’re dealing with wave after wave of men who are simply unaccustomed to dealing with the grinding monotony of their two free hours an evening sober.’
Under new plans unveiled by the government, citizens are now being allowed to set up their own GP surgeries and hospitals without having to worry about the levels of bureaucracy which currently force them to use qualified staff.
In a bold move, the Conservative leader has pledged to keep all under-25s in education, meaning a bumper crop of GPs, and the occasional frighteningly large kid who never quite made it out of primary school.