Contingency plans are in place for Donald Trump to win the World Cup. If the USA team gets to the finals, then Trump will be substituted into the US team for the last minutes of the game. The US players are then instructed to make sure that Donald Trump scores the winning goal. If the match is decided on a penalty shoot out, then the US President will take one of the kicks. Trump has been taught how to kick the ball in the right direction, and to ensure that the kick is ha

https://youtu.be/o71xEJ1F69s https://open.spotify.com/episode/1uRlciTeVrFLC6Qt3f2wz7?si=gwxOEF9CTxiHbyPJDe4ToQ Episode 61: Exploding Wheelchairs, Layby Love & Spider Balls Comedy news from NewsBiscuit Featuring Guests: Sketchly, Uncle Egg & Paul L Host: Wrenfoe. May-June 2026 http://www.newsbiscuit.com/ We are also listed on Sticher, Pocket Casts, Deezer, Listen Notes, Podcast Addict, Castbox, YouTube, Spotify, Apple iPlayer Podcast, Amazon Music & Anchor.

Trump boasted of a literal groundbreaking exchange of rockets deal to commence this Monday. Both Iran and Israel agreed to extend the exchange of rockets by another two weeks. This is another win for Trumps Board of Exchanging Rockets, that was a major factor in the exchanging of rockets agreement. Since he was given unrestricted power, the current US President at time of going to press, has started eight new exchanges of rockets between various countries. He was recently awa

Sir David Attenborough has confided in colleagues that as he begins his 2nd century, his usual leisure pursuits of dolphin drowning, chimpanzee knife fights and adding to his collection of panda-fur pimp coats, no longer hold the same appeal they once did. One cameraman said, 'Poor old Dave. Even hippopotamus porn, setting fire to rare grasslands and high stakes wagers involving poisonous frogs are now losing their lustre. But when he heard about a contest for putting British

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Companies are showing increasing interest in using brain-monitoring technology (‘neurotech’) to keep track of what their workers are up to. Trials at a French-owned TotalPrix discount store have already proved the value of the technology, by electrocuting and grassing up staff, Retail assistants on minimum wage wore a special beanie hat that monitored their brain waves. While the staff were stacking shelves, talking to customers or working at the checkout, there was no discer

The Conservative Party has no policy on housebuilding, as party grandees reckon that this is the safest option. 'House building policy is a nightmare,' a policy spokesperson told us. 'Everyone understands lack of supply drives prices up. Good news for some but bad news for most. There's broad agreement that we need more houses - but not in my neighbourhood. 'Landlords are cashing in and giving up - but everyone hates landlords, so we can't do anything for them. Renters are be

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Horizon, the faulty computer programme at the heart of the scandal in which hundreds of sub-postmasters were wrongfully convicted, is being repurposed as a helpful AI chatbot for public use. 'After all the horrendous damage Horizon did to people's lives," said a spokes-virus for its owners, Fudge-It-Su, "this is a way it can give back to British society.' So saying, the virus asked Horizon for instructions on making a cherry and almond cake and got this reply: 'Marc Almond wa

The Prince of Wales had to be suspended from duties after breaking down in tears and being towed to the nearest palace. 'Honestly, this is not the first time this has happened with the Prince of Wales,' said a Buckingham House insider. 'He's always breaking down about something or other. This time, it seems he was upset about his propeller shaft. 'f we keep on having these breakdowns, we're going to have to think very seriously about scuttling the Prince of Wales at Scapa Flo

There has been a mixed reaction to MP Natalie Elphicke's claim that the Tory party is not split. "I think she's wrong, and so do many of my colleagues", said Chris Grayling, who wished to remain nameless, but ticked the wrong box. Polling suggests that around half the party think the party is unified, the other half disagree. image from pixabay www.newsbiscuit.com First published 8 Jun 2022 If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in ou

Fears are growing over the mental state of Donald Trump following an extraordinary claim he made earlier. During a nationwide address, and as another claque of his boot-licking sycophants looked on in stunned silence, Trump claimed he created the Universe. Speaking from the Oval Office he said: 'You know the Universe is my baby. Yes it is. I was just sitting there in my void of nothingness one day when I got the idea. And what a great idea it turned out to be, too. One of the

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