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Three ‘blind’ mice lose disability benefits in welfare crackdown

delighted to now be allowed to operate welding machinery and fork-lift trucksThe three blind mice made famous in the popular nursery rhyme have been stripped of their disability benefits, the Department for Work and Pensions confirmed today.

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Thousands of outdoor smokers perish during UK ‘Big Freeze’

doctors calling for winter to be banned on health groundsFigures released today reveal that 15,436 UK smokers froze to death during the month of March. Many of them perished in broad daylight outside High Street coffee shops whilst sitting down quietly, giving off bad smells and obscuring the visibility of passers-by and other customers as they came and went, but otherwise minding their own business.

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‘Weird old weight loss tip’ advertised on internet turns out to be heroin addiction

choose lite‘It turns out that ‘Paul from Glasgow’ does exist and really did lose the weight, but when we found him in a bedsit he was sitting in his own filth, injecting heroin between his toes and hadn’t eaten for three days.’

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Fashion retailers fear huge increase in men lurking outside changing rooms

does my face look bored in this?Shopping experts and psychologists have today warned of a previously undiscovered side-effect of the closure of high street stores.

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Waiting times to assault NHS staff ‘have tripled’, finds study

free-for-all at the point of needThe latest report on the performance of the NHS has found a familiar but depressing picture of Accident and Emergency rooms full of people who have waited up to three hours to launch an unprovoked physical attack on a medical orderly or nurse.

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